Just set a record for most games played in a day, grinded 120 games today...woot. On the 29th I called CJ right away and told him about the FT situation, July 3rd I received the stake $$ and immediately jumped right back in business. 600 games later im up $1750ish on stars w/ the bonuses. I turned the $60 rob shipped me on cake for the husng membership into $600 in less than a weak grinding 5s, 10s, 20s, 30s. That put me at about $2300 so far this month...not bad at all considering what happened. Thanks to CJ for being understanding and putting his full trust in me...I had to ask him to help me out cuz I didn't want to go through July with no income...Time is $$.
I made about $5000 in June playing 55s mostly on FT...have about $7000 still on the site though...I'm getting to the point where if there is a chance that I might never get that back, I won't be as pissed off as before. Life goes on...Nobody coulda foretold this, and it had to happen on my first year of going pro. At least I took most of my roll off the site after April 15th, I coulda easily had over 10k+ on the site like I used to...
This will be another test to my patience and persistence, since april 15th, I haven't played a single game > $100s...mostly at the 50s....patiently grinding it out, put in more volume than I did back in the 1st 3 months of the year to make up for profit loss...
In all honestly, I feel like it's always such a close call for me in these, narrowly squeezing through tight situations like I've been doing all my life. I guess I failed at my goal to reach $200-$300s this year. Is it entirely my fault? Obviously not but again I coulda done much better controlling my spending habits. Such is life though....right now I am focused, and feel purpose in what I do...I will forever be my biggest and only critic, other than a few friends I trust, most of you ppl don't ever get to criticize me...don't brag shit to me man, I keep a low profile, real dudes move in silence, your best success is my worst blunder HA.
o ya....and one last thing, ppl get lazy as they grow old in life i think, STOP FKN ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS, THERE IS NO TRICK, NO SECRET.....PUT IN WORK AND GET PAID. Phil Ivey is not good because he's a poker prodigy, he's good because he's played more hours of poker than a lot of ppl same age as him when he was young, he lived in casino hotels to up his game, he would bust his tech support pay checks to rebuild his roll, he would repeat that until he gets to that point of awesome. PERSISTENCE IS OMNIPOTENT, ALL I GOT IS PERSISTENCE BOOOOM.
Online poker is so damn sketchy...If I paid more attention to what went on, if I read more subjectpoker.com, about FT and its 60million player loans, I would've cashed out my entire roll and moved over to stars after black Friday. Too late now, I've been optimist for the past month, patiently waiting for my withdrawals, digging into my savings, putting shit on my credit cards. When I got a $1k instadebit monday it felt like rain on a forest fire. The $2k check was sent out apparently but I am honestly not hopping for much at this point. Plus another 1k in process and 4k life roll, I guess I have about $8k in limbo status...
I'm gonna stop reading 2p2 for a while, so much emotion in ppl's posts...I still think everyone will get their money back in the long run...how can these pros show their faces if they don't? don't disappoint me mr. Ivey ,you're still my hero.
my dad's always told me about debt, never to go in debt, pay back credit card bills on time, don't easily take loans...etc I've been thinking, what the fk is the point? you can make a good living, make enough to support yourself, your family, your house, cars, and in the end find out even though you yourself's not in debt, your fkn employer is...U.S Gov't has some 20 trillion debt, printing money like it's nothing...Cereus poker had over 50mil in player debts while having only 6 mil liquidity LMAO....moments like black friday show what ppl's true colors are...I heard the reason Stars management was better than FT and handled their money better was because their owners are jewish..
I try to remain calm...but I don't blame anyone getting emotional over all this...I feel like such a pawn and the game's jus getting dirtier...How can I trust FT, or even Stars after this past 2 months? I had just talked to CJ about staking me on Stars when I go back to Beijing...I feel now I am responsible to let him know that there are factors and risks outside our control, and the sketchy nature of this business.
We all feed off each other, positively or negatively, doesn't matter what the distance is...CJ's gonna be alright, for the past month all I could do was call and check up on him from time to time, try to take some pressure off him. He's tough, handling everything to protect his mother. I can seriously picture everything he's going through. Now everything's turning for the better, we're feeling positive, looking towards Beijing, the future...
Poker's going back on track, my cashflow's messed though, having only cashed out 400 in the past month lol...I guess there's a give and a take, the challenge I set up with Ian is working, I haven't been spewing money at least. $3400 still processing...I'm not too worried anymore, up $4400 so far this month. CJ said the real money will be made after I go to BJ...I know this is true as well, I can feel it now as the date gets closer. A brand new environment, more ways, reasons for me to work hard and make dough...life will be good. I will never be contempt with what I have.
My dad would ask me if it's possible for me to get a legit job in Beijing, work at a big pharmaceutical company using my family connections. I said no, I will not work another job for someone else, Medical Pharmacy will be the last workplace for me. When asked if I would keep playing poker I said yes, he goes "你。。上了贼船“ (you're fallen and can't turn back or some shit) LOL.
I was bragging to someone recently that I get to wake up whenever I want and work whenever I want but the truth is I am getting more and more bored by the day...Plus the stress built inside me from few months ago is taking a toll on me, I decided to smoke up a few days in a row...1 blunt 1st day, didn't get high at all, 2 on the 2nd and on the 3rd I got baby girl over and smoked a couple real big ones...I realize that when I get really drunk or high, unlike most people who get loud, I stay dead silent and immobile. I felt lazy while my friend jus acted gayer than his usual gay.
The kush did nothing for me, I don't think I will do it for a while actually. In all seriousness I am currently considering to volunteer at some bud-hist temples in toronto. This idea came from reading Hokie Greg's blog where he mentioned that for a while he felt empty with just grinding and felt the need to contribute to society in some ways rather than just taking money from people on the internet. I'm feeling the same way recently...disconnected and selfish. I gotta do something more meaningful to balance my mind.
$3k after rakeback and bonuses, average stakes i played was only 60. I played conservatively and only played for 80 hours last month. The feeling of having my funds in limbo is probably the reason why I played so little volume and at lower stakes. sure I wasn't rolled for 100+ but my $2000 check from 4 weeks ago is still "processing"
I feel it's a time to look at how I've done over this past year since I started playing on FT in May 2010. From May - November 2010 I played part-time while working a full time job, and I took a whole month off in September 2010 away from poker. Nov 2010 - present I've been playing full time, averaging at about 90 hours/month. These are the results from FT, Stars, Cake. May 2010 to present
With store, leaderboard, reload bonuses, I've made about 41k, 6 of the 12 months playing full time volume. I should be contempt with these results, and happy to continue doing this for another year at least. I just hope online poker stays the way it is for me.
Got my plane ticket for end of august, if i can make 5k/month in beijing i'll be baller status. I estimate that my monthly expense in beijing will never exceed 1500 u.s. (rent 500, food 300, the rest = whatever i want) What's even more exciting is the fact that we'll be setting up shop ASAP. I'm getting pumped, I honestly hate depending on poker as a sole source of income, I've learnt this especially post black friday. Put it this way....if i ever vote on election day it would be because online poker is at stake in canada...im sick of watching these illiterate fks blow up and rake in so much dough in china...I'm so much better than these people in every single way...I need to get my slice.
People feeling my pain, a mental bond shared
Been through so many struggles only to persevere
Remember when we hustled, knowing the 1st was near
That's when that money doubled, then we purchased gear
Now was it worth my trouble? It was my first career
"Fuck your life, You try to stop mines from growin, I'll make your blood stop flowin"
-prodigy
what's going on lately, one thing after another, it's so unreal...from the 10th to the 14th I woke up everyday with a headache. I alrdy got over the poker setback I had. after a few overdrafts, I managed to go on a heater and cash out some, jus in time to make my monthly contribution to the family. My dad sensed it, he asked me how poker was going lately and I just said not good...glad he didn't ask anymore questions after that, long as i keep my end of the deal, he keep his mouth shut and that's that, anymore unnecessary pressure I swear I fkn won't make it past 30.
shit, i knew from the start it was a mistake to prematurely go pro with no savings. on top of that I have no excuses for my degen spending in the past 2 months. I've finally calmed myself down, well it's not like i have a choice now, i spend like i did in march i'll go busto for sure...
may 14th, after dinner i saw a missed call from CJ at 7pm...rare for him to call me at this hour. I looked everywhere in my house for a phone card but couldn't find. I had a good reason to panic, the night before he told me to call him because he was depressed, which is so rare for him. i made him feel better by reminding him how lucky we are compared to a lot of other ppl our age. this method always work when we have to cheer each other up, we've belittled enough ppl around us to make ourselves feel good in the past...i broke it down for him that he's probably just bored because business' been slow this past month, then proceeded to feed him stories from other unfortunate ppl around me.
My phone died pretty fast and i went to bed. 7pm, after dinner, I throw on some clothes and ran to TNT for my phone card, scratched it at the lotto desk and called him right away...it rang a few times, when I heard his voice, I expected the worst and got the worst. "guess what? my dad died"
I remember stopping where i was, and went silent,
"how is he right now?"
"did you hear what I SAID? MY FATHER DIED, GONE"
The walk home was the most uncomfortable walk I've made in my life, my knees weakened and some kids walked past me looking at me funny, I got to my front porch, sat down and lit a cigarette, thunderclaps started, I stayed dazed and felt the same feeling I had when I was 19, when i had jus moved into a new apartment and the same night the washroom mirror fell to the ground by itself, waking everyone up. after that day, i got expelled from school and my life turned for the worse...
It eventually started raining, I went inside, and heard the laughter of my parents in the living room, it felt strange. My dad's on sick leave from work because 2 weeks ago he underwent a minor surgery. I walked over to him and asked him how he was feeling, he said he was alright and asked me what was wrong.
I returned to my room, turned the lights off and went to bed, not to sleep but I find the best way to calm myself in these situations is to just lie down in darkness. hours passed, I decided to call CJ. earlier I did not say anything on the phone, i didn't know what to say to him. Dude's really my blood brother, the headaches I had leading up to this, his random mood swing, how he told me he dropped a plate on the floor for no reason while holding it the night before. I finally got my shit together and told him to be strong, that his priority is to stay with his mother, make sure they're both in good health.
I feel like a coward, i've been loathing throughout these past years because of petty shit, parents, feuds with ppl, stressing about ways to make more money, girl problems. Fear's a weak emotion, and I've been living in fear. After black friday, I was afraid poker would die out, i panicked, cashed out, played underrolled and fearful... after losing AQ, I felt I finally gave up on relationships, self destructed and couldn't be sincere with anyone. I called her for some reason and told her about what happened....seriously wTF...i hate myself, I don't know why I do these things. The biggest fear of them all is CJ, I feared losing my bro, and to what i ddidn't know at the time...but recently i realize I fear he'll change because of losing his father.
Me and him go way back, from the chemistry developed from holding ramp room on nuke, holding each other's secrets, lying to our significant others' at times needed, to now, doing business together. The amount of trust and chemistry can't be explained in words, think mobb deep without either one of P, hav. I honestly never bother going through the accounting at the end of the month, and he never ask twice when i tell him the numbers in poker. I give him my #s, he tells me how much I owe and I ship it to him. I remember when I blew 13k RMB in my 1st week in beijing, and had to withdraw from my canadian checking acct, he put a 10k stack in my hands without me asking, right before i went on a 3 day trip with this girl I just picked up. He did it to save me the trouble, but most importantly HE THOUGHT OF IT...when i got out of his car with the cash, ready to head back to my hotel w/ my girl, all he said was "be safe, for the trip and your dick"
since the 14th, the rain never stopped...the heavens cries for cj's dad. I would call him everyday to check up on him, and he would just assure me that he's alright and he told me to focus on poker. I did what he said, since it was always raining, i stayed in and played a lot of focused, patient and fearless poker. I'm up 3.4k so far this month, I feel I have a purpose again to what I'm doing. past 3 months I've been indecisive about beijing, every time CJ ask me about it, i can't give him a straight answer. He trust me so much that he never doubted for a second that I would bail on him about the whole thing...truth is the thought of starting a new life in BJ has always been a debate in my mind.
I'm finally gonna make it happen, let go of all the petty shit in canada, it's seriously all fake, no real meanings. I gotta give everything to this team we built, to all we worked for in the past. I can't let one person dictate how my life goes, I used to think it'd be worth it, certain people in my life, friends, friends who are now enemies...then i realize we're not built the same at all, i glance through your facebook, blogs, and you stressed about the same things teenage girls stress about. don't ever try to convince me how painful your sick life is, you have it all...you spend ur paycheck on handbags, making your face look pretty, you spend your time on bitching about not being treated with respect by others, how the fk do you expect to get respect when you don't respect yourself or your parents. shit makes me sick.
CJ's words just got realer...these bitches all crave attention and get spoiled by losers who do nothing but sweet talk...DUDES take no action, they sing praises, sweet talk, end of the day they don't have the balls or the quality to get girls but what they do accomplish is give a false sense of SICK NARCISSISM to these bitches...they forget their real self worth. next time you give me a lecture on the ways you don't like to be treated, take a look in the mirror. AND ALSO, THIS IS 2011, NOT 1958, your parents spent $$ to educate you, so you can have a nice career, GET CONFIDENT, GET SEXY, STEAL SOME DUDE'S HEART. you're not disabled, you have a job, don't take shit for granted, we don't have to pay for you, buy you shit...next time you pay for the motel, you pay for the lifestyle.
We all have to play with the cards dealt, explore your options while you're still young, don't do something you'll regret. be ambitious though, nothing will happen if you sit around and cry. CJ's tough as a rock, I heard him cry for the first time ever but I know he's tougher than me...It's because at times like this he don't have a choice but to be solid, for his mother.
I look happy but under the sky
You see someone who know, out of three women 2 out of 3
will love you but lead you to they own, hidden evil
BITCH! You the reason dudes be beefin, hoe get on
Posed to be Earth, ain't worth the pussy that you sit on
Opened the joint account today, the lady at the bank looked at us in a funny way. I lost my patience when I she asked me what is a "poker professional".
Plan is in motion, I am feeling good. CJ's betting that i'll either cheat or pay my way out of this lol...
SELF EXCLUSION ENDS TOMORROW NIGHT.
Reality is Nourishment but people don't believe it
i've self-excluded myself for the 3rd time...since black friday, it's been one pain on top of another. I had just cashed out $2k at the start of April, after hearing the news, I panick cashed out another $2k which left my roll at around $4k...the plan was to grind $100 and below for a while to keep it low variance. In the next 5 days I lost another $2k and finally was forced to grind $33s...for the first time in over a year...
I tried to look at it positively, thougth to myself by playing 33s i can take some pressure off and focus on my play rather than the results...however, little did i know I would continue to break even at the 33,50,55s for the next 10+days, running below EV on most days. Roll is at $2k now, lowest it's ever been...I've gotten past the stage of panick, took these past 2 days off to read and get sufficient sleep.
Prodigy's new book is sick, I like how honest he is about everything...I'm at the part where he's talking about the dark period before dropping hell on earth where his friends started dying one by one and losing his father to aids. I often times would think that karma's catching up or someone I angered is putting a curse on me. Taking a break is so important, I can't stress enough...I just wish that I had done this much sooner rather cuz I've wasted so much time stressing, worrying, coming up with worst case scenarios over and over again in my head. I was looking for some kind of answer but the truth was right infront of me. A lot of people would tell me to take a break, not think about it, go on a vacation, but it really is easier said then done. I still have myself to blame for all this, I knew from the start I needed a nice balance not just for my roll but at least $10k in my savings so i can sleep better when the checks aren't coming in. Problem is, I can't execute my own ideas, no matter how good they are, they become useless in the end.
I feel like i've been stuck in time since going pro, I haven't really improved outside of poker, outside of lifting, working out my muscles. In a lot of ways, I've gone backwards. I've come up with a plan to stop spewing money for next month, gonna open a joint account with my friend, basically whatever I spend on other than food I have to put 2x that amount into this account and never touch it again. Spewing money might really be my downfall if this continues...I really could be playing much higher if I didn't cash out so much.
I won't sugarcoat it, you'll die from diabetes if these other niggas wrote it~
