i've always thought that i'm the most self aware person. I can be lazy but those periods usually don't last longer than a day or two. For the past month I haven't made a dime from poker. For the past 2 weeks i've been waking up in the am, I cut down on bf4, grinded shorter hours, cut down tables and tried whatever I could to make things better.
Last night I even played a few hours of cs just as a line check to see if my confidence is really damaged to the point of no return. Stars really screwed me over, I swear no matter how tempting their traffic is, I don't want to return there in the near future. my 120 bi downswing from a year ago was on stars, and although my current downswing took place mmostly on ftp, I felt something really cynical and disgusting after loading money there 3 weeks ago. I loaded up tables continuously, playing 5-6 at a time at the 30s cuz action was ridiculously good. It was so good I considered using a piss bottle so I don't have to use the washroom.
Pokerstars raised some really stupid questions, I started to believe that the game can no longer be beaten, I started to believe that the RNG was truly rigged to favor the russians. I started to believe my femto avatar had something to do with me being card dead.
I need to push through, until I start crushing again I won't be confident, and if i'm not confident, I would never be able to take a break. I flat out told hiromi over the phone, that in the future when I'm married I would hand over finances to her. I fkn suck at managing money, it's the truth, i've always been like that since I was a kid, and after 27 years nothing has changed.
I had a discussion about materialism with john coroza the other day, I defended myself and ultimately convinced him that I am not a materialistic person compared to most people. I measure myself and others in terms of ability to crush, rape at whatever it is we do in life. The only type of ppl I absolutely can't stand are people who don't work for what they have and talk shit, act cocky, or the type that sit around and do nothing, those that lurk and observe, passing judgement, too fake, too dishonest, too scared to fail.
fail to succed, grind to succed. i was born with an automatic understanding of the game, i crushed in cs, i will crush in poker, my competitive mindset will not die out anytime soon, i have an addiction to hardship, CJ said it the best, my life is like playing an old school 8 bit tactical rpg in the highest difficulty.
