Back after 6 months of living in Beijing. As I sit in the chair of my grindstation at the comfort of home, I count my blessings. At times i felt like giving up completely, nothing was going my way at all...from the moment i set foot in Beijing everything went wrong. I tried my best to make everything work out but in the end reality is harsh, when it doesn't work out it doesn't work out...nothing I could possibly do. Things don't always need an explanation, a series of events led to myself breaking down mentally and physically.
It was a tough choice to make but looking back if i delayed it further, I don't think I would've taken on the additional stress. a lot of it was just pride and being my own enemy I guess. My friends always told me to stop bitching and move forward but I couldn't...not when I get reminded the REASON why for the past year I woke up every morning like a zombie and frantically turned on my computer to check news. If 2012 really is supposed to be end of the world, mines started on April 2011.
Everything I built upon since I went pro crumbled and fell down on me, buried me deep under. Confidence, motivation, pride...Truth was myself including everyone else....nobody saw it coming. As the anniversary of Black Friday approaches, I recount everything that I've learnt during this time and the feeling I get is the same feeling after going through a 2k downswing...It feels awesome...It's like that same feeling I got when I realized I was a lvl above my competition in CS. It's like guts becomming a better fighter after killing 100 men and comming out of it half dead.
I can't stress enough how valuable this whole experience was for me...The 1st 6 months of my poker career making 5-6k a month to losing my entire bankroll and grinding low stakes for the next 6 months...deliberating over whether to cashout for living expenses or build up bankroll to move up the next month was no fun...The Beijing trip really magnified that entire situation...money became something else for me completely. For the first time ever I realized that my poker decision makings were greatly affected by pressure. Being down $1k a day really started to hurt more than ever.
I arrived home on the last day of February. took no break, setup my workstation the following day and got straight to it. Pulled off my biggest month since setting foot in Beijing back in August. I did so by starting to grind at the $30s to warm up. The figures aren't impressive at all compared to what I used to make but I will forever look at this past month as my greatest achievements. I jus want to say that I couldn't have done any of this without the support I got from my friends. The ones in China and the ones back home...no matter what I go through I often remind myself that I am real lucky to have the realest friends watching my back at all times. When my own family lost faith on me you guys were there and instilled confidence back into me.
REBUILD is 2012 for me. Nothing flashy, imma be lowkey, grind myself back to where I was a year ago. I know this whole experience made me a better, stronger person and I gotta prove it now.
WILL IS TOO STRONG
