poker diaries ep 1

i've always thought that i'm the most self aware person. I can be lazy but those periods usually don't last longer than a day or two. For the past month I haven't made a dime from poker. For the past 2 weeks i've been waking up in the am, I cut down on bf4, grinded shorter hours, cut down tables and tried whatever I could to make things better.

Last night I even played a few hours of cs just as a line check to see if my confidence is really damaged to the point of no return. Stars really screwed me over, I swear no matter how tempting their traffic is, I don't want to return there in the near future. my 120 bi downswing from a year ago was on stars, and although my current downswing took place mmostly on ftp, I felt something really cynical and disgusting after loading money there 3 weeks ago. I loaded up tables continuously, playing 5-6 at a time at the 30s cuz action was ridiculously good. It was so good I considered using a piss bottle so I don't have to use the washroom.

Pokerstars raised some really stupid questions, I started to believe that the game can no longer be beaten, I started to believe that the RNG was truly rigged to favor the russians. I started to believe my femto avatar had something to do with me being card dead.

I need to push through, until I start crushing again I won't be confident, and if i'm not confident, I would never be able to take a break. I flat out told hiromi over the phone, that in the future when I'm married I would hand over finances to her. I fkn suck at managing money, it's the truth, i've always been like that since I was a kid, and after 27 years nothing has changed.

I had a discussion about materialism with john coroza the other day, I defended myself and ultimately convinced him that I am not a materialistic person compared to most people. I measure myself and others in terms of ability to crush, rape at whatever it is we do in life. The only type of ppl I absolutely can't stand are people who don't work for what they have and talk shit, act cocky, or the type that sit around and do nothing, those that lurk and observe, passing judgement, too fake, too dishonest, too scared to fail.

fail to succed, grind to succed. i was born with an automatic understanding of the game, i crushed in cs, i will crush in poker, my competitive mindset will not die out anytime soon, i have an addiction to hardship, CJ said it the best, my life is like playing an old school 8 bit tactical rpg in the highest difficulty.

oxymoron pt 2

walking that thin line between loyalty and treason
facing these obstacles like its a head on collision
emptiness redefined, the rest of the world frozen in time
those by my side never see my vision
my biggest supporter shift through the seasons
i wanted to bake with you from the ground
you settled on shortcuts, stealing crumbs
i can never win, a hentai demon seeking innocence
all i induce are grins, sins, nothing heaven sent

I wish you got to the bottom of things instead of games with me
a black and white, colour blind panda, you did not see in me
I put my hands together, and pray for my frenemies
how long will this last, before we lose our sanities?
made it to the enlightened stage of my 20s
faded, swimming in a pool of liquor like a drunk pisces
you laugh at my loses, while I compete top tier
your best success is forever my worst failure

heart of the grind

I would start off by saying this: I continue to amaze and surprise myself. The months that led up to November were depressing but so what? I came back so strong, 2 years and counting I still grind hard and my mental stamina is still improving.

SECOND CUP CHAPTER

November was a very mediocre month for me, I remember the day FTP came back I lost 1k in almost 1 hour while my friend watched me play. I was overly ambitious then, jumped into 200s and played semi-scared. By end of December I made a decision that would change the course of my career thus far. CJ suggested that I grind at Starbucks/KFC when I was in Beijing. I thought the idea was meh, if anything it was slightly -EV cuz I wasn't sure about office ladies in skirts distracting me or what to do if someone gives me shit (strict gambling law)

I bought a cheap 17" laptop on boxing day ($400 after taxes LOL), received it and headed to the second cup a walk away from my house, I didn't even bring a mouse, used laptop mouse and 4 tabled 5 hours, made $800. I remembered it so clearly, I wasn't necessarily playing better and was fully aware of the upswing I experienced.

January I broke my old record, and if I make more than $800 tomorrow I will repeat the same result for February. I feel so focused, $$ on my mind, sipping on green tea and bluffing niggaz while babygurls stare at my screen and ask "ARE YOU THE PANDA"?

I want to keep this up, it's been 2 weeks straight since I had my last cigarette, I don't feel the need to take long breaks in between sessions anymore, just washroom breaks and a 5 minute breakdance video is good enough. January I drank everyday 3 weeks straight, rum, soju, beer...I thought it was helping but this past week I haven't had a single drink.

I'm once again proving to myself that I don't need these things, stress would always be there, how I deal with it is up to me but why ruin my health, my body?

I am making a full comeback, keeping in mind the mistakes I made these past 2 years. FAST 5 DAYS STRAIGHT TO MEDICATE, BUILD HUNGER, AND FOCUS ON THE DAYS AND TIMES THAT APPROACH US.

PANDA OUT