poker diaries ep 1

i've always thought that i'm the most self aware person. I can be lazy but those periods usually don't last longer than a day or two. For the past month I haven't made a dime from poker. For the past 2 weeks i've been waking up in the am, I cut down on bf4, grinded shorter hours, cut down tables and tried whatever I could to make things better.

Last night I even played a few hours of cs just as a line check to see if my confidence is really damaged to the point of no return. Stars really screwed me over, I swear no matter how tempting their traffic is, I don't want to return there in the near future. my 120 bi downswing from a year ago was on stars, and although my current downswing took place mmostly on ftp, I felt something really cynical and disgusting after loading money there 3 weeks ago. I loaded up tables continuously, playing 5-6 at a time at the 30s cuz action was ridiculously good. It was so good I considered using a piss bottle so I don't have to use the washroom.

Pokerstars raised some really stupid questions, I started to believe that the game can no longer be beaten, I started to believe that the RNG was truly rigged to favor the russians. I started to believe my femto avatar had something to do with me being card dead.

I need to push through, until I start crushing again I won't be confident, and if i'm not confident, I would never be able to take a break. I flat out told hiromi over the phone, that in the future when I'm married I would hand over finances to her. I fkn suck at managing money, it's the truth, i've always been like that since I was a kid, and after 27 years nothing has changed.

I had a discussion about materialism with john coroza the other day, I defended myself and ultimately convinced him that I am not a materialistic person compared to most people. I measure myself and others in terms of ability to crush, rape at whatever it is we do in life. The only type of ppl I absolutely can't stand are people who don't work for what they have and talk shit, act cocky, or the type that sit around and do nothing, those that lurk and observe, passing judgement, too fake, too dishonest, too scared to fail.

fail to succed, grind to succed. i was born with an automatic understanding of the game, i crushed in cs, i will crush in poker, my competitive mindset will not die out anytime soon, i have an addiction to hardship, CJ said it the best, my life is like playing an old school 8 bit tactical rpg in the highest difficulty.

oxymoron pt 2

walking that thin line between loyalty and treason
facing these obstacles like its a head on collision
emptiness redefined, the rest of the world frozen in time
those by my side never see my vision
my biggest supporter shift through the seasons
i wanted to bake with you from the ground
you settled on shortcuts, stealing crumbs
i can never win, a hentai demon seeking innocence
all i induce are grins, sins, nothing heaven sent

I wish you got to the bottom of things instead of games with me
a black and white, colour blind panda, you did not see in me
I put my hands together, and pray for my frenemies
how long will this last, before we lose our sanities?
made it to the enlightened stage of my 20s
faded, swimming in a pool of liquor like a drunk pisces
you laugh at my loses, while I compete top tier
your best success is forever my worst failure

heart of the grind

I would start off by saying this: I continue to amaze and surprise myself. The months that led up to November were depressing but so what? I came back so strong, 2 years and counting I still grind hard and my mental stamina is still improving.

SECOND CUP CHAPTER

November was a very mediocre month for me, I remember the day FTP came back I lost 1k in almost 1 hour while my friend watched me play. I was overly ambitious then, jumped into 200s and played semi-scared. By end of December I made a decision that would change the course of my career thus far. CJ suggested that I grind at Starbucks/KFC when I was in Beijing. I thought the idea was meh, if anything it was slightly -EV cuz I wasn't sure about office ladies in skirts distracting me or what to do if someone gives me shit (strict gambling law)

I bought a cheap 17" laptop on boxing day ($400 after taxes LOL), received it and headed to the second cup a walk away from my house, I didn't even bring a mouse, used laptop mouse and 4 tabled 5 hours, made $800. I remembered it so clearly, I wasn't necessarily playing better and was fully aware of the upswing I experienced.

January I broke my old record, and if I make more than $800 tomorrow I will repeat the same result for February. I feel so focused, $$ on my mind, sipping on green tea and bluffing niggaz while babygurls stare at my screen and ask "ARE YOU THE PANDA"?

I want to keep this up, it's been 2 weeks straight since I had my last cigarette, I don't feel the need to take long breaks in between sessions anymore, just washroom breaks and a 5 minute breakdance video is good enough. January I drank everyday 3 weeks straight, rum, soju, beer...I thought it was helping but this past week I haven't had a single drink.

I'm once again proving to myself that I don't need these things, stress would always be there, how I deal with it is up to me but why ruin my health, my body?

I am making a full comeback, keeping in mind the mistakes I made these past 2 years. FAST 5 DAYS STRAIGHT TO MEDICATE, BUILD HUNGER, AND FOCUS ON THE DAYS AND TIMES THAT APPROACH US.

PANDA OUT

oxymoron

promises that i keep, the tears that you weep
promises I kept, hello kitty never looked so filthy
plenty of ambition, small goals, lost in a big city
malicious intents, snakes that slither, a flesh wound withers
your face so pretty, a distant memory
your face ever ready, my blast radius
iron sights no laser, that's my reflex
scrub you hard, my whites sticky like semtex
same day booty call, express fedex

i hate your lack of passion
i hate you with a passion
i blamed her for being hostile, you for being docile
so much friction, my pants need a heatsink
not enough attention, wrapped in plastic, sealed with your scent
i fucked you with wisdom, after her vocal chords gave me rhythm
you need pain, and i just need a reason
when you bleed, it's blooming season

robbyallen's tribute to me lawl

john wang
he may be light, but his presence astounds
hoes are like interest, their attraction compounds
he busts on their faces and loses five pounds.
crown this raw nigga the greatest panda around
i'm not done with these bamboo jewels
he's a gemini, he was born on the banks of the passion pools.
a confucius panda trained him from birth.
he drank the water but he still has the thirst.
he does his thing while hoes drink his juice.
he's a fly canadian but he aint no goose

ranting

What I'm going thru right now is sick like diesel inside my veins, I get hit hardest at the harshest times, at the most critical moments when all critics have their eyes on me. I feel like everyone's watching, I'm getting paranoid, trying to keep track of EV in everything I do related/unrelated to grinding.

CJ recited me a horoscope piece where the author used one trait to describe what each horoscope depend on to get by. Cancer's was obviously family, Gemini = courage. I'm already over the fact that poker dictates how my mood is, it's been like this for me forever. Distractions help but at the end of the day, all that's left between me and the brutal downswings is myself.

-60 bi last September, almost busted my roll at a time when money was needed the most. -100bi in the past 2k games right now on stars. For a while now I've been grinding to cover monthly expense of $2k with a bankroll below $1k. I did it with success but as I make out the finish line I'm running out of steam. -100 is no fkn joke. It fkn hurts. Full tilt back on Nov 6th, my dick's not even hard.

I can handle the pain, problem is the mistake I made of involving too many people into my venture. It really goes against why I decided to pursue this shit in the first place. I promise I won't talk about this shit with anyone who doesn't have a fkn clue about poker from now. Most of you will never understand, and it's only because you've NEVER taken on anything like this in your life. When you decide to offer your advice next time, please think it thru first. Your problem solving skills that are efficient for your boring 9-5 is nowhere near sufficient to connect these dots. There are so many factors, variables in what I'm dealing with, this ain't connect 5, compared to what you do I might as well be mapping out the universe.

I will push through, but after all this, after I get back on my feet, I'm not carrying anyone anymore. I'mma be the selfish bastard like I set out to be, it's just me and my grind, not involving anyone else in this. R.A.W forever.


As a kid I killed two adults, I’m too advanced
I lived my 20's at two years old, the wiser man
Truth be told, I’m like '86
Wicked as 80 reverends in a pool of fire with devils holding hands
From the distance, don’t know which one is a Christian.. damn
Who can I trust in 2012? There’s no one not even myself
A Gemini screaming for help, somebody

PANDA HIBERNATION

CJF naomi47

asshole by nature
my bro, mild sevens in his glovebox for the ladies,
viet marlboros in the cupholder for the homeless
first time we spoke you spat out razors
didn't know your name but we already on different pages
years pass, we both grew, got our shit straight like a laser
but let's rewind a few years back, before the birth of sages
u bragged about everything there is to brag about
insecurity on your forehead, a clenched fist through your skin
i wish i coulda dragged you out that night, 20 feet stomping your brain
you had it comming, on second thought i'm glad i didn't
i woulda been in that cypher, curing you with pain
betrayal is the best medicine, near lethal dosage in the vein
but when that phone rang on the 13th all i wanted was to share your pain
you lost your father, 2011 may 13, one week straight toronto poured rain

what happened next was not meant for the sane
stress ontop of stress is like dying a slow death
you sounded like cancer, lifeless with your limbs chopped off,
but like a true cancer, those claws regen'd on your very last breath

titty twisting buddha

on the porch,
resting, from grinding
blunt in hand
flexing my mind,
on how to add more to this bankroll
ways of making paper never gets old
when hunger fades, all i need is another dose

olympian mindset, i push doors open, spaces sacred
they lead me to new places,
spots i did not know they existed
masochistically moving forward, i perform better under pressure
the intention is clear, i walk into the unknown, this time without fear
inhale exhale, i wait for the smoke to clear
i make out my mirror reflection, out in the open

incense in hand, knees on concrete,
i look up, squinty eyes smile back at me
expressionless, i look away with humility
his palm opens, a lotus appears
the lust in my eyes, replaced by tranquility
my eyes turn from brown to blue, blue back to brown
the fatman opens his mouth in disbelief
my palm opens, a green leaf appears

cold wind blows, a green leaf flies out of my hand, it grows
a bamboo appears
i climb 10 feet, walk down a branch on my two feet
i look up, smile, reach out and twist
inhale exhale, i wait for the smoke to clear
i make out my mirror reflection, legs crossed sitting against a bamboo

is this a trick?

you had the presence of a goddess,

first time i saw you girl

you returned my passion to its sources

i might've stared too hard

but my intentions pure,

diciplined intellectual beauty, i observe from far

one look at you, it healed my scars,

don't worry about no dimes,

you'll forever be my optimus prime

i ain't no magician, this ain't a trick

dudes be sugarcoating, then they strip you for the filling

i be the bamboo leaf, wrap you with patience

impart my scent, call it panda fusion

never go through motions, there is no confusion, 

i spit that confucian, for your mind to listen

not cocky, this is just an honest expression

same branch

I notice lately my blog's content drifts away from poker and into random subjects. I've gone off track, I forgot the original purpose. This is just temporary, I will be back on track and write more poker relevant entries. It's just that I really have nothing worth reporting in terms of poker results, progress.

I will definitely end this blog soon on a high note. I will mentally elevate and stay levitated when the saga finally ends and I feel that day may be arriving very soon.

My bros giving me strength. Paape said we heal each other, my blood test is back and I am 100%. His knee will be fine when he get his result. We both went to doctor on same day, I got good news, and he's gonna get his, no other way, that's how it'll be, cuz we same branch.

Will I slay the dragon? I no longer care because Paape asked me what my initial instincts were and if I still trust them. He reminds me that whatever happens, it's what I get out of this whole thing that's worth gold. We gonna get BIG, I will never settle for anything less in said category.

I got off phone with CJ, he's been concerned about me losing motivation since I came back to Canada. I could tell from his voice. I ask him if he still believe in me, that if I told him this is only temporary and I would be back in the game stronger than ever he'd put all his faith in me. He told me he's not worried, he said that even though I spewed money in the past and got myself in my current situation, I've always liked nice things and always knew how to get it since back in the days writing essays for ESL kids for $50/ . it's sick to hear those words from someone who always criticized my spending habits.

It's GRIND TIME, sorry i'm so fkn bipolar phil galfond, I respect your blog but happiness can wait and I will sacrifice anything for EV atm. I'll read that shit again when I have a comfortable balance in my bank account, poker bankroll, nice whip and email full of condo prices.