I dont maintain I elevate it just go harder...: February 2011

I've written pretty personal stuff before, but not like this. I'm gonna think carefully before each word I'm about to put out because I don't want to feel any regret reading this afterward, not in a year, not ever.

Where to start? Lately I really feel the pressure creeping inside me, pressure like this is unexplainable, I don't think most people experience this in a lifetime. Sleep is no longer possible, it's become an idea in my head. I guess a lot of this pressure I put on myself by setting goals that are too high to reach at the time, procrastinating.

I started pro poker in mid November, made 4k in nov, close to 8k in dec, and 4k in jan. Not too bad but I fell short of my targets and felt down most of the time. I expected to quit my job and do 10k months easily but didn't factor in a lot of things. Only few of my friends know this...my winnings don't all go to myself, I've been helping out the family with bills for the past 2 years. I do so with pride, never looked at it as a burden because honestly, I feel confident, and couple hundred is nothing to me.

I've never been in good relations with my dad for an extended period because he has a side that is so fucking unbelievably hypocritical and phony, a side he shows only to my mom and me. Back in August, I basically sat down with him and explained that I was thinking of quitting my job to pursue full time poker. He knew how much I was making and although hesitant at first he eventually said I could do it to make more cash because there aren't many high paying jobs in Canada that would provide the same....as expected, practical and to the point, how he is most of the time.

Fast forward to October, I return from China after a month long vacation. Within a couple days of my return, I feel like something wasn't right, and as expected he has this "conversation" with me. I was prepared to answer his questions and knew what kinda questions he had. How much I spent, did I bust my poker money completely, am I starting over, will I still quit my job? I told him yes, I am quitting and got annoyed, eventually I silenced him telling him that nothing is changing, my plan will carry forward. I told him I was gonna make at least $5,000/month and he said he was relieved and WAS HAPPY FOR ME...He said as long as I can keep up my end of the deal he has nothing against it.

Come Feb 2nd, Chinese New Years. Mom goes outside to shovel after dinner, soon as she step out, he says something like "you know, I don't want you bringing people to the house anymore, not for poker, not for video games, not for anything, that stuff make me sick." At this point, I would like to point out something about me, I've been told that I raise my voice a lot by a lot of people, well....that's cuz a lot of people are retarded, make no sense, are completely illogical, and that's how my voice sound when I talk to people who are retarded, make no sense, and completely illogical.

ME: "WHY?"
HIM: "BECAUSE IT'S MY HOUSE AND I SAID SO"?

At this point I knew what was gonna happen and I was about to unleash on him. I knew also that he would tell me to lower my voice and make the empty threat he always make by telling me "then you should just move out". Everyone who's been there in the past few times I moved out knows that the reasons have been the same...He randomly act all bitch and expect me to say hail hitler and not question him.

I reminded him that he still hasn't changed the locks on our door after renting the basement out to god knows how many tenants in the past 10 years and he's bitching about my harmless friends comming over. He then says that I have been living an abnormal life and have no social circle, doing nothing but playing poker. I admit, I've been pretty focused on poker ever since going pro but wtf, how can I sleep at 12 and wake up at 8 everyday? Does any 24 year old do that? I told him I spend no longer than 4 hours a day on most days and he just bitched about me bringing friends over/being antisocial. HYPOCRITE AS ALWAYS.

He then hit me with this comment which basically triggered me going berserk "Poker is not even something that is recognized, there is no skill, intellect, education involved to do it" I would like to point out at this point that sometimes I think my dad's a fairly intelligent individual, but he knows how to bend words, set double standards, be a complete hypocrite like any good dictator, phony politician. I remember even certain relatives were indirectly throwing comments at him in that matter during my time in China which made me kinda pissed off at the time even.

So after pointing out he's being a hypocrite by telling me I can't bring anyone over and having no social life, he changes the subject again and digs out an age old topic "why can't you go to school"? WELL CUZ I FKN LOCKED THAT ONE UP HOW MANY YEARS AGO? AND HOW ABOUT THAT IF I DO, YOU WON'T PAY FOR IT AND NEITHER WOULD I? AND I DON'T WANT TO BE IN DEBT FOR 20-30GS, JOBLESS, IN MY 30S, KINDA LIKE A LOT OF MY FRIENDS RIGHT NOW?

He questions if I'm really making any $$ from poker and at this point this whole thing is started to turn into something of a joke, like he's starting to play more of the role of a clueless resident at a retirement home. I said are you fkn kidding me? AGAIN? I jus made $800 just now before dinner, $5k last month, the month before that. "You don't have proof, you can't say that if you can't show me proof" LOL....

I told him in details again and said I had proof and it's extremely lame how I feel like rather than talking to my father, it feels like I'm talking to a kid. He finally interrupts me and said "You know what John? don't think I'm impressed or envious by any of this".......

I mean I could end it here, but no I have to explain some back stories as well. I fear talking to him, every time he tries to talk to me he would always start with "you're not losing lately are you"? "Are you sure you're smart enough for this?" He's been putting me down, taking stabs at my confidence forever, encouraging me to finish school, telling me that I can do it but when I say no, he'll tell me how immature I am, how useless I am without him. How I can't take care of myself if I did move out, completely ignoring the fact that I was living on my own during University for almost 3 years.

In the end, this is what I get, from my family...sarcasm, put downs, I mean I'm not stupid, I can picture what happened that led to this. He prolly talked to his friend and they mentioned that their son just finished so n so degree aat watever school, working at idongiveafk company kissing ass. He probably was embarrassed to tell them what I'm doing, sure I understand him, I would be embarrassed too if i'm some chink living in feudal china, where all my cousins fuck each other and make ugly ass babies.

FK THIS SHIT, I'm not mad, I know what's gonna happen, I'm gonna tell them I'm moving out, to Beijing, to play poker, not gonna tell them about my other plans obviously because he will have hard time believing that I can accomplish it haha. He's gonna put on his pride face and say "ya move out, I don't care" Then within 1 month he's gonna ask my mom to email me, asking me to come back because in his own words "our family should stick together" HLY FK ARE U KIDDING ME? IM A HU POKER PLAYER, WHAT YOU THINK, I KNOW YOUR STUPID TENDENCIES SO WELL BY NOW. You just owned yourself, I'm not a kid anymore, no one can take your shit, mom complains to me all the time and the only reason she's putting up with your hypocrisy is cuz she's tired after all these years.

To everyone who's ever commented that I constantly seem to be out to prove something, I hope you know why now? I've always carried my weight all by myself, if I can save listening to negative comments, sarcasm, I gladly hold it all inside of me, it's unhealthy, I don't gain weight because of it, can't sleep because of it, used to empty a pack of cigarettes because of it.

To my friends, don't worry about me, all this shit do is push me harder, I've been grinding like mad since Feb 1st, it's that time of the month, all I see is $$ signs. Up $1800 this month.

I've never asked for support, kind words, assurance, all I ever ask for from most people is to be left alone, not drag me down to their degenerate levels.

I will update this blog one more time for Feb results and I will probably not update it as often...Thanks for reading

I dont maintain I elevate it just go harder...

Friday, February 18, 2011

SHIP IT (luv saigon)

Friday, February 11, 2011

What can I say about Chinese bitches you don't already know?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I live in tragedy

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

January Results