self-exclusion day 1

i've self-excluded myself for the 3rd time...since black friday, it's been one pain on top of another. I had just cashed out $2k at the start of April, after hearing the news, I panick cashed out another $2k which left my roll at around $4k...the plan was to grind $100 and below for a while to keep it low variance. In the next 5 days I lost another $2k and finally was forced to grind $33s...for the first time in over a year...

I tried to look at it positively, thougth to myself by playing 33s i can take some pressure off and focus on my play rather than the results...however, little did i know I would continue to break even at the 33,50,55s for the next 10+days, running below EV on most days. Roll is at $2k now, lowest it's ever been...I've gotten past the stage of panick, took these past 2 days off to read and get sufficient sleep.

Prodigy's new book is sick, I like how honest he is about everything...I'm at the part where he's talking about the dark period before dropping hell on earth where his friends started dying one by one and losing his father to aids. I often times would think that karma's catching up or someone I angered is putting a curse on me. Taking a break is so important, I can't stress enough...I just wish that I had done this much sooner rather cuz I've wasted so much time stressing, worrying, coming up with worst case scenarios over and over again in my head. I was looking for some kind of answer but the truth was right infront of me. A lot of people would tell me to take a break, not think about it, go on a vacation, but it really is easier said then done. I still have myself to blame for all this, I knew from the start I needed a nice balance not just for my roll but at least $10k in my savings so i can sleep better when the checks aren't coming in.  Problem is, I can't execute my own ideas, no matter how good they are, they become useless in the end.

I feel like i've been stuck in time since going pro, I haven't really improved outside of poker, outside of lifting, working out my muscles. In a lot of ways, I've gone backwards. I've come up with a plan to stop spewing money for next month, gonna open a joint account with my friend, basically whatever I spend on other than food I have to put 2x that amount into this account and never touch it again. Spewing money might really be my downfall if this continues...I really could be playing much higher if I didn't cash out so much.

I won't sugarcoat it, you'll die from diabetes if these other niggas wrote it~