quiet storm

"Fuck your life, You try to stop mines from growin, I'll make your blood stop flowin"

-prodigy

what's going on lately, one thing after another, it's so unreal...from the 10th to the 14th I woke up everyday with a headache. I alrdy got over the poker setback I had. after a few overdrafts, I managed to go on a heater and cash out some, jus in time to make my monthly contribution to the family. My dad sensed it, he asked me how poker was going lately and I just said not good...glad he didn't ask anymore questions after that, long as i keep my end of the deal, he keep his mouth shut and that's that, anymore unnecessary pressure I swear I fkn won't make it past 30.

shit, i knew from the start it was a mistake to prematurely go pro with no savings. on top of that I have no excuses for my degen spending in the past 2 months. I've finally calmed myself down, well it's not like i have a choice now, i spend like i did in march i'll go busto for sure...

may 14th, after dinner i saw a missed call from CJ at 7pm...rare for him to call me at this hour. I looked everywhere in my house for a phone card but couldn't find. I had a good reason to panic, the night before he told me to call him because he was depressed, which is so rare for him. i made him feel better by reminding him how lucky we are compared to a lot of other ppl our age. this method always work when we have to cheer each other up, we've belittled enough ppl around us to make ourselves feel good in the past...i broke it down for him that he's probably just bored because business' been slow this past month, then proceeded to feed him stories from other unfortunate ppl around me.

My phone died pretty fast and i went to bed. 7pm, after dinner, I throw on some clothes and ran to TNT for my phone card, scratched it at the lotto desk and called him right away...it rang a few times, when I heard his voice, I expected the worst and got the worst. "guess what? my dad died"

I remember stopping where i was, and went silent,
"how is he right now?"
"did you hear what I SAID? MY FATHER DIED, GONE"

The walk home was the most uncomfortable walk I've made in my life, my knees weakened and some kids walked past me looking at me funny, I got to my front porch, sat down and lit a cigarette, thunderclaps started, I stayed dazed and felt the same feeling I had when I was 19, when i had jus moved into a new apartment and the same night the washroom mirror fell to the ground by itself, waking everyone up. after that day, i got expelled from school and my life turned for the worse...

It eventually started raining, I went inside, and heard the laughter of my parents in the living room, it felt strange. My dad's on sick leave from work because 2 weeks ago he underwent a minor surgery. I walked over to him and asked him how he was feeling, he said he was alright and asked me what was wrong.

I returned to my room, turned the lights off and went to bed, not to sleep but I find the best way to calm myself in these situations is to just lie down in darkness. hours passed, I decided to call CJ. earlier I did not say anything on the phone, i didn't know what to say to him. Dude's really my blood brother, the headaches I had leading up to this, his random mood swing, how he told me he dropped a plate on the floor for no reason while holding it the night before. I finally got my shit together and told him to be strong, that his priority is to stay with his mother, make sure they're both in good health.

I feel like a coward, i've been loathing throughout these past years because of petty shit, parents, feuds with ppl, stressing about ways to make more money, girl problems. Fear's a weak emotion, and I've been living in fear. After black friday, I was afraid poker would die out, i panicked, cashed out, played underrolled and fearful... after losing AQ, I felt I finally gave up on relationships, self destructed and couldn't be sincere with anyone. I called her for some reason and told her about what happened....seriously wTF...i hate myself, I don't know why I do these things. The biggest fear of them all is CJ, I feared losing my bro, and to what i ddidn't know at the time...but recently i realize I fear he'll change because of losing his father.

Me and him go way back, from the chemistry developed from holding ramp room on nuke, holding each other's secrets, lying to our significant others' at times needed, to now, doing business together. The amount of trust and chemistry can't be explained in words, think mobb deep without either one of P, hav. I honestly never bother going through the accounting at the end of the month, and he never ask twice when i tell him the numbers in poker. I give him my #s, he tells me how much I owe and I ship it to him. I remember when I blew 13k RMB in my 1st week in beijing, and had to withdraw from my canadian checking acct, he put a 10k stack in my hands without me asking, right before i went on a 3 day trip with this girl I just picked up. He did it to save me the trouble, but most importantly HE THOUGHT OF IT...when i got out of his car with the cash, ready to head back to my hotel w/ my girl, all he said was "be safe, for the trip and your dick"

since the 14th, the rain never stopped...the heavens cries for cj's dad. I would call him everyday to check up on him, and he would just assure me that he's alright and he told me to focus on poker. I did what he said, since it was always raining, i stayed in and played a lot of focused, patient and fearless poker. I'm up 3.4k so far this month, I feel I have a purpose again to what I'm doing. past 3 months I've been indecisive about beijing, every time CJ ask me about it, i can't give him a straight answer. He trust me so much that he never doubted for a second that I would bail on him about the whole thing...truth is the thought of starting a new life in BJ has always been a debate in my mind.

I'm finally gonna make it happen, let go of all the petty shit in canada, it's seriously all fake, no real meanings. I gotta give everything to this team we built, to all we worked for in the past. I can't let one person dictate how my life goes, I used to think it'd be worth it, certain people in my life, friends, friends who are now enemies...then i realize we're not built the same at all, i glance through your facebook, blogs, and you stressed about the same things teenage girls stress about. don't ever try to convince me how painful your sick life is, you have it all...you spend ur paycheck on handbags, making your face look pretty, you spend your time on bitching about not being treated with respect by others, how the fk do you expect to get respect when you don't respect yourself or your parents. shit makes me sick.

CJ's words just got realer...these bitches all crave attention and get spoiled by losers who do nothing but sweet talk...DUDES take no action, they sing praises, sweet talk, end of the day they don't have the balls or the quality to get girls but what they do accomplish is give a false sense of SICK NARCISSISM to these bitches...they forget their real self worth. next time you give me a lecture on the ways you don't like to be treated, take a look in the mirror. AND ALSO, THIS IS 2011, NOT 1958, your parents spent $$ to educate you, so you can have a nice career, GET CONFIDENT, GET SEXY, STEAL SOME DUDE'S HEART. you're not disabled, you have a job, don't take shit for granted, we don't have to pay for you, buy you shit...next time you pay for the motel, you pay for the lifestyle.

We all have to play with the cards dealt, explore your options while you're still young, don't do something you'll regret. be ambitious though, nothing will happen if you sit around and cry. CJ's tough as a rock, I heard him cry for the first time ever but I know he's tougher than me...It's because at times like this he don't have a choice but to be solid, for his mother.

be strong CJ