quiet storm

"Fuck your life, You try to stop mines from growin, I'll make your blood stop flowin"

-prodigy

what's going on lately, one thing after another, it's so unreal...from the 10th to the 14th I woke up everyday with a headache. I alrdy got over the poker setback I had. after a few overdrafts, I managed to go on a heater and cash out some, jus in time to make my monthly contribution to the family. My dad sensed it, he asked me how poker was going lately and I just said not good...glad he didn't ask anymore questions after that, long as i keep my end of the deal, he keep his mouth shut and that's that, anymore unnecessary pressure I swear I fkn won't make it past 30.

shit, i knew from the start it was a mistake to prematurely go pro with no savings. on top of that I have no excuses for my degen spending in the past 2 months. I've finally calmed myself down, well it's not like i have a choice now, i spend like i did in march i'll go busto for sure...

may 14th, after dinner i saw a missed call from CJ at 7pm...rare for him to call me at this hour. I looked everywhere in my house for a phone card but couldn't find. I had a good reason to panic, the night before he told me to call him because he was depressed, which is so rare for him. i made him feel better by reminding him how lucky we are compared to a lot of other ppl our age. this method always work when we have to cheer each other up, we've belittled enough ppl around us to make ourselves feel good in the past...i broke it down for him that he's probably just bored because business' been slow this past month, then proceeded to feed him stories from other unfortunate ppl around me.

My phone died pretty fast and i went to bed. 7pm, after dinner, I throw on some clothes and ran to TNT for my phone card, scratched it at the lotto desk and called him right away...it rang a few times, when I heard his voice, I expected the worst and got the worst. "guess what? my dad died"

I remember stopping where i was, and went silent,
"how is he right now?"
"did you hear what I SAID? MY FATHER DIED, GONE"

The walk home was the most uncomfortable walk I've made in my life, my knees weakened and some kids walked past me looking at me funny, I got to my front porch, sat down and lit a cigarette, thunderclaps started, I stayed dazed and felt the same feeling I had when I was 19, when i had jus moved into a new apartment and the same night the washroom mirror fell to the ground by itself, waking everyone up. after that day, i got expelled from school and my life turned for the worse...

It eventually started raining, I went inside, and heard the laughter of my parents in the living room, it felt strange. My dad's on sick leave from work because 2 weeks ago he underwent a minor surgery. I walked over to him and asked him how he was feeling, he said he was alright and asked me what was wrong.

I returned to my room, turned the lights off and went to bed, not to sleep but I find the best way to calm myself in these situations is to just lie down in darkness. hours passed, I decided to call CJ. earlier I did not say anything on the phone, i didn't know what to say to him. Dude's really my blood brother, the headaches I had leading up to this, his random mood swing, how he told me he dropped a plate on the floor for no reason while holding it the night before. I finally got my shit together and told him to be strong, that his priority is to stay with his mother, make sure they're both in good health.

I feel like a coward, i've been loathing throughout these past years because of petty shit, parents, feuds with ppl, stressing about ways to make more money, girl problems. Fear's a weak emotion, and I've been living in fear. After black friday, I was afraid poker would die out, i panicked, cashed out, played underrolled and fearful... after losing AQ, I felt I finally gave up on relationships, self destructed and couldn't be sincere with anyone. I called her for some reason and told her about what happened....seriously wTF...i hate myself, I don't know why I do these things. The biggest fear of them all is CJ, I feared losing my bro, and to what i ddidn't know at the time...but recently i realize I fear he'll change because of losing his father.

Me and him go way back, from the chemistry developed from holding ramp room on nuke, holding each other's secrets, lying to our significant others' at times needed, to now, doing business together. The amount of trust and chemistry can't be explained in words, think mobb deep without either one of P, hav. I honestly never bother going through the accounting at the end of the month, and he never ask twice when i tell him the numbers in poker. I give him my #s, he tells me how much I owe and I ship it to him. I remember when I blew 13k RMB in my 1st week in beijing, and had to withdraw from my canadian checking acct, he put a 10k stack in my hands without me asking, right before i went on a 3 day trip with this girl I just picked up. He did it to save me the trouble, but most importantly HE THOUGHT OF IT...when i got out of his car with the cash, ready to head back to my hotel w/ my girl, all he said was "be safe, for the trip and your dick"

since the 14th, the rain never stopped...the heavens cries for cj's dad. I would call him everyday to check up on him, and he would just assure me that he's alright and he told me to focus on poker. I did what he said, since it was always raining, i stayed in and played a lot of focused, patient and fearless poker. I'm up 3.4k so far this month, I feel I have a purpose again to what I'm doing. past 3 months I've been indecisive about beijing, every time CJ ask me about it, i can't give him a straight answer. He trust me so much that he never doubted for a second that I would bail on him about the whole thing...truth is the thought of starting a new life in BJ has always been a debate in my mind.

I'm finally gonna make it happen, let go of all the petty shit in canada, it's seriously all fake, no real meanings. I gotta give everything to this team we built, to all we worked for in the past. I can't let one person dictate how my life goes, I used to think it'd be worth it, certain people in my life, friends, friends who are now enemies...then i realize we're not built the same at all, i glance through your facebook, blogs, and you stressed about the same things teenage girls stress about. don't ever try to convince me how painful your sick life is, you have it all...you spend ur paycheck on handbags, making your face look pretty, you spend your time on bitching about not being treated with respect by others, how the fk do you expect to get respect when you don't respect yourself or your parents. shit makes me sick.

CJ's words just got realer...these bitches all crave attention and get spoiled by losers who do nothing but sweet talk...DUDES take no action, they sing praises, sweet talk, end of the day they don't have the balls or the quality to get girls but what they do accomplish is give a false sense of SICK NARCISSISM to these bitches...they forget their real self worth. next time you give me a lecture on the ways you don't like to be treated, take a look in the mirror. AND ALSO, THIS IS 2011, NOT 1958, your parents spent $$ to educate you, so you can have a nice career, GET CONFIDENT, GET SEXY, STEAL SOME DUDE'S HEART. you're not disabled, you have a job, don't take shit for granted, we don't have to pay for you, buy you shit...next time you pay for the motel, you pay for the lifestyle.

We all have to play with the cards dealt, explore your options while you're still young, don't do something you'll regret. be ambitious though, nothing will happen if you sit around and cry. CJ's tough as a rock, I heard him cry for the first time ever but I know he's tougher than me...It's because at times like this he don't have a choice but to be solid, for his mother.

be strong CJ

THE CROSS - NAS

I look happy but under the sky
You see someone who know, out of three women 2 out of 3
will love you but lead you to they own, hidden evil
BITCH! You the reason dudes be beefin, hoe get on
Posed to be Earth, ain't worth the pussy that you sit on

self-exclusion day 2

Opened the joint account today, the lady at the bank looked at us in a funny way. I lost my patience when I she asked me what is a "poker professional".

Plan is in motion, I am feeling good. CJ's betting that i'll either cheat or pay my way out of this lol...

SELF EXCLUSION ENDS TOMORROW NIGHT.

Reality is Nourishment but people don't believe it

self-exclusion day 1

i've self-excluded myself for the 3rd time...since black friday, it's been one pain on top of another. I had just cashed out $2k at the start of April, after hearing the news, I panick cashed out another $2k which left my roll at around $4k...the plan was to grind $100 and below for a while to keep it low variance. In the next 5 days I lost another $2k and finally was forced to grind $33s...for the first time in over a year...

I tried to look at it positively, thougth to myself by playing 33s i can take some pressure off and focus on my play rather than the results...however, little did i know I would continue to break even at the 33,50,55s for the next 10+days, running below EV on most days. Roll is at $2k now, lowest it's ever been...I've gotten past the stage of panick, took these past 2 days off to read and get sufficient sleep.

Prodigy's new book is sick, I like how honest he is about everything...I'm at the part where he's talking about the dark period before dropping hell on earth where his friends started dying one by one and losing his father to aids. I often times would think that karma's catching up or someone I angered is putting a curse on me. Taking a break is so important, I can't stress enough...I just wish that I had done this much sooner rather cuz I've wasted so much time stressing, worrying, coming up with worst case scenarios over and over again in my head. I was looking for some kind of answer but the truth was right infront of me. A lot of people would tell me to take a break, not think about it, go on a vacation, but it really is easier said then done. I still have myself to blame for all this, I knew from the start I needed a nice balance not just for my roll but at least $10k in my savings so i can sleep better when the checks aren't coming in.  Problem is, I can't execute my own ideas, no matter how good they are, they become useless in the end.

I feel like i've been stuck in time since going pro, I haven't really improved outside of poker, outside of lifting, working out my muscles. In a lot of ways, I've gone backwards. I've come up with a plan to stop spewing money for next month, gonna open a joint account with my friend, basically whatever I spend on other than food I have to put 2x that amount into this account and never touch it again. Spewing money might really be my downfall if this continues...I really could be playing much higher if I didn't cash out so much.

I won't sugarcoat it, you'll die from diabetes if these other niggas wrote it~

Was it all a Dream?

I was doing some shopping yesterday when Tiago told me about the news. All he said was "did you go on fulltiltpoker.com"? and my heart stopped beating...I sometimes think to myself, this is too good to be true, playing online poker in the comfort of my room, not breaking a sweat and making more than the average person.

The more I read about it, the more I realized that as a Canadian I was probably not going to be affected much, can't imagine what's going through the heads of American pros right now. I was prepared for the worst also, I joked that I would have to start working at a gas station even.

To my fellow American grinders, I hope this is just a temporary setback and alternatives will soon be available. Don't know if it was my instincts but I cashed out a ton leading up to Black Friday (3k still held by my bank,cross fingers).

ROBBY, come to T.O and live with me LUV?

If we can only put our paper together and make a change

Destroying the real, one break at a time, re-arrange,

The way that we think, we killin' ourselves it's a shame,

We gotta wake up and realize... That we're all pawns in the game

HOROSCOPE 101 (MY VERSION)

My version of the horoscopes. I will start off with an intro, set a few things straight: I will not mention almost half of the horoscopes because I feel that either 1. I don't have enough knowledge about them. 2. I really don't feel they are even worth mentioning. 3. Continuing from 2, I do believe that the 12 horoscopes = not meant to be cut dry equal, meaning they don't all share the equal amount of pts like making a main character in an RPG. Some are downright superior, others are downright mediocre. Don't get offended, keep in mind this is all described through the POV of a Gemini (me).

1. Taurus


2. Gemini

That's me, and I will be brutally honest about people belonging to this sign. I have quite a few Gemini friends, I tend to share the sickest commonalities, inside jokes and can often laugh till I get ulcers talking to a Gemini. Doesn't really mean we're funny people, I find Geminis to have a lot of energy, how they use this energy though is usually a waste. We try to accomplish too many things, instead of focusing on one at a time, we can start 4 different homework assignments, start reading 5 books, 4 table HUSNGS, MSN, and talk on the phone, all at the same time.

Don't bother getting into an argument with Geminis, you'll feel like shit after either because of their relentless berating while proving a point, or they'll confuse the hell out of you bending and obscuring things along the way. Gs are Sadistic people, they genuinely believe that part of the enjoyment they get out of anything they do is make fun/ ridicule their target in some way. They do this casually, as if it's within their rights, within their twisted boundaries of what's right/wrong. That is not to say that Gemini people are assholes, Gs actually are very good at adapting to people, situations, sometimes to the point that in order to gain trust, loyalty, Gs will play their cards perfect, they'll say exactly what the person wants the hear at the exact moment, they can take on the role of a general or a soldier, often times switching back and forth with ease because their adaptation skills allow them to be good team players.

Geminis are very bipolar in the way that deep down, they're the most kind-hearted out of all the horoscopes. They have a tremendous sense of justice but rarely shows it. On the other hand, the impression they give others is nowhere near kind-heartedness, their sharp tongue, narcissism make people feel a sense of instability because others find it hard to know when the G is being playful or serious. Only the Gemini him/herself knows what he/she is thinking.

3. Cancer

The most precious sign IMO, if you have a Cancer in your life, treasure them. These people don't have too much to offer in terms of talents, skills. Instead, they're decent at everything. Not incredibly smart, but just smart enough to get the job done. Cancer people are caring to friends, family, provides a sense of support, stability, however Cancers are incredibly sensitive. While providing love and care to their friends/family, they often expect also a lot in return. When they don't get it they can get moody and confuse people.

Cancers get things done, they know what's important, when asked to do something, they never delay it. It is this reason that make them the ideal people to go to for favors.

4. Sagittarius

O my, as a Gemini, I have a fatal attraction to Sags. It's very easy for me to befriend Sags and I find there often exist a tremendous amount of attraction between the two. Sorry to my guy friends reading this if you feel this sounds really gay lol. Sags possess a very child-like personality, very carefree and even more restless than Geminis, which make them the ideal playmate for Gs. The attraction between the two exist not only on a physical level but also mental. Quick-witted, Sags tend to be well knowledge d in broad topics, not shy to offer their opinions at all times.

The problem with Sags is that they often get along too easily with everyone, the reason is because they don't want to piss anybody off and often acts timid, they would do anything to avoid confrontation. If you're rounding up people to help you in a fight, don't bother with these fkers...not because they don't care about you, they just hate confrontation!! Because of this, I don't feel Sags are very loyal. They tend to move on pretty quickly from one to the other. They're often the peacemakers, no matter how strong your relationship with the Sag is, they won't fully back you because they feel that's disturbing the balance.

5. Aquarius

Aquarius is basically a bot, they are empty to begin with but whatever ideas that get fed into their heads they stubbornly cling to and becomes their principles. It is all up to what these ideas are to determine what the Aquarius person really is. Because of this, it's a huge hit or miss. People who are easy to brainwash and become extremists are often Aquarius IMHO.

On the plus side, Aquarius's strong principles make them become like a open book. Brutal honesty, straight-cutting often, they will give it to you straight, no bullshit attached. Reminds me of the Chinese Triads still using the traditions that's been passed on for generations, stubbornly clinging to it. Aq people are incredibly rebellious and carefree, never confined by rules, Aq will trace these rules to their principles and if they don't fit, they rebel.

Geminis are supposed to be very compatible with Aquarius, and for a good reason...The honesty and open book feel is refreshing and important for a Gemini, Aquarius reminds Gemini of what they truly desire in life. Gs offer a great sense of respect for Aquarius' honesty.

6. Leo

The hardest one for me to write about, Leos are stubborn and often will mercilessly fight for something that is of no importance. They tend to go super-saiyan and forget the reason, they'll do it just out of annoyance. If they use it right, their passion and pride can go long ways and they can surpass light years ahead of their competitors.

Leos will never ask for your opinion and if you suggest something to them they'll tell you to fk off. They have a hard time accepting that someone else's idea could be better for them. Because of this, Leo tend to become great artists at what they do, the end product of their work usually shows a lot of their personality imprinted.

Pour It Out...

I'm listening to one of my fav songs by Game right now - Pour it Out...Got out of bed just now, couldn't fall asleep again. CJ said I always have the most messed up experiences, each more messed up, more degen than the last one. I'm gonna be brutally honest again lol, March was an interesting month, fresh from comming back from visiting Rob in Austin. My mindset was fresh, cashed out $5k, and probably went on the biggest spending spree in my life. (degen as fk)

I started the month out strong, kept a routine going, gymed 3 times a day, played solid volume but eventually got burnt out...I started procrastinating, for some reason, my old harmful hobbies came back. I started smoking more, back to smoking 1/2 pack a day, started going for massages very very often. I started telling myself that maybe after all these years of recklessness I am finally paying the toll. The sides of my head are stiff as fk, my back pain came back all of a sudden and every night it's a coin toss between good or bad sleep.

I would continue this till about the end of the month when I self-excluded myself for the 2nd time in my poker career for 3 days(5k downswing). Around the same period, Ian started criticizing me more than ever since the time I've known him. "Too much spending" "degen" came out of his mouth more often. I paid no attention and kept doing what I was doing. Then one night, something he said to me finally smacked me in the face and opened my eyes to a lot of things that happened and their reasons. I was complaining to him on the phone about why I was so unlucky(non-poker related incident) and it was karma at work. Then I paused and asked him if he noticed that I changed in the past 3 months.

Ian : "I'm gonna be honest with you ok"?
me: "Yes please".
Ian : "You've been treating me like shit recently".

hly fk, at first my reaction was of shock, maybe reacted even violently. I asked why? He gave me examples, basically saying that I'm acting spoiled and selfish lol...I reflected a bit and saw that he had a point. Especially with the selfish part. What I find is I'm really not giving a shit to things that don't concern me. I tried to argue that I make my decisions rationally, which does not always come out in a good way for most people. And when they feed their emotions into it I get frustrated and angry, which is stupid if i think about it because by trying to b like the rational person that I am most of the time, in the end I get pissed and let my own emotions out.

C.J said I am getting less and less patient about everything. I am doing certain things to save myself time and effort, only looking at the end result, ignoring the joys of the process. At this point, I guess I should mention something...I had a huge fall out with a dear friend of mine back in February. I consider her to be always a very special person in my life but I impulsively decided at the time that the most +EV thing to do with our friendship, relationship or whatever the fk it is is to end it once and for all. I don't regret what I did at all, but what that did to me was turned me even colder than I was.

If you're reading this Yen, I am sorry but then again you said you totally understood my decision. I always thought of things from my perspective, trying to gain an edge for myself rather than thinking about the whole thing in yours. It didn't matter in the end, but in CJ's words I always expect too much from those who I value the most. We're probably both very selfish individuals who are scar'd, damaged to the point that all we are to each other is a voice of support and care, because I understand you too well and vice versa. I admit I felt hate towards you for the first time that day, but the more I thought of it the more it was like hating myself. You really are my twin like you said.

The truth is, I haven't said or done anything to anyone out of sincerity for the longest time. At first I argued with this girl I spoke to recently that I just give the impression to people that I'm insincere because of my body language and the way I giggle when I am meaning to express sincerity. To which she replied "but if that is the general impression people have of you, it just means you're insincere" I felt a chill by those words, I felt like my soul was missing.

I'm keeping up with gym, put $2k in my savings already from last month' profit. Made prop bet with Ian that I will add another $3k by end of this month. I genuinely want to pursue a healthier life, mindset. I'd like to think that the part of me that everyone liked is still there, hidden deep inside me.

FEB results

Just had my biggest month in poker, played a ton of volume and made $7k in Feb. Transitioned into playing turbos last month for volume. I don't feel that I'm playing well enough in turbos, running at 3-4roi on average for the past month.

I spent the last week of the month down in Austin chilling with Robert. We sweated each other a bit which was a valuable experience, but we didn't play too much while I was there. I had a really good time, met his friends, we went down to the shooting range, shot ak47, pistols, watched his bball game. I was somewhat dissappointed though at the timming of him getting back w/ his gf cuz he was supposed to show me his hollering skills when we went clubbing...Rob, u better come down to beijing in the summer. I also met Bryan "PRIMORDIALAA" and his wife Mel at his baller home, talked to primo and gained a lot of confidence from that whole experience. I look up to these kids who are the same age/younger than me crushing and pulling in 1/2 a mil each year from playing poker. I used to think that I will probably get sick of this game in another 2 years or so but recently I am starting to doubt that...I find that the more I play, the more I realize that poker is something I really enjoy, sure grinding has its toll but after 2 years of grinding HU, I am still having fun. Take 2 days off and I come right back with hunger.

Poker's going great, I feel more and more confident...I am now capable of pulling through these massive swings, average about 50 games/day and so far I have yet to have a loosing month. My game's definitely subpar compared to a lot of the better regs at my level but I feel my biggest strength is the discipline I've acquired all these years from playing counterstrike and working tough summer jobs. I feel I need another month of playing the 100s/110s and start playing the 200-300 lvl.

Like I mentioned in my previous entry, I won't blog as much starting now, moving to Beijing in the next month or so. I will blog, but probably not much about poker. I've proved enough, how many of you can rake in $5k/month after taxes in Canada? You don't see my vision, it's fine, I won't stress anymore. I've wasted enough time, in the end all I get is your games. What I went through was unfair for any person. I did everything I could, I don't want to say I gave 100%, and yes I made mistakes, but you really can't achieve shit if you can't let go of the small things. Grow the fk up, have some dignity, sometimes I wonder what kind of friends you hang around. Parents can fk u up by doing everything for you even when you're 30 yrs old, but in the end you're the one who's fking yourself. That mentality does not go with your age, innocence gets old and becomes stupidity.

Profit: $6,408 incl. rakeback on FT + $300 bonus stars + $330 leaderboard bonus =
$7038

PANDA ROCK FORMATION

LEGS?!!?

SHIP IT (luv saigon)

YOU EVER GET THE FEELING, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY

YOU KNOW YOU'LL MAKE IT SOMEDAY...

YOU KNOW THE FEELING WHEN YOUR BACK AGAINST THE WALL

PPL SAY THEY LOVE YOU BUT YOU AIN'T CONVINCED AT ALL

TELL EM THEY FULL OF SHIT, THEY TELL YOU YOU INSECURE.

CALLING YOU IMMATURE, DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

YOU EVER FEEL LIKE IT'S YOU AGAINST THE WHOLE WORLD?

LIKE EVERYBODY'S SCHEMING EVEN YOUR OWN GIRL?

YOUR FRIEND COUNTING YOUR $,

TELL HIM YOU AIN'T GOT IT AND HE LOOKING AT YOU FUNNY...

EVERYBODY MAD AT YOU, EVEN YOUR FAMILY

THE AIR THICKENS WHEN THERE'S MODESTY,

THEY START DOUBTING, IS HE REALLY DOING IT

OR WILL HE SOON SEE THE END OF IT.

What can I say about Chinese bitches you don't already know?

zhuo 7:20:14 AM
THEIR LOGIC IS FKN RETARDED
zhuo 7:20:22 AM
"IF HE'S NOT AGGRESSIVE, THAT MEANS HE'S NOT SERIOUS"
zhuo 7:20:36 AM
EAT A DICK
c.k1ng 7:20:57 AM
哈哈哈
c.k1ng 7:20:58 AM
对
c.k1ng 7:21:02 AM
lol
c.k1ng 7:21:05 AM
脑残
c.k1ng 7:21:24 AM
因为中国SB男生=没尊严at all
c.k1ng 7:21:43 AM
...哇...大美女...


c.k1ng 7:21:44 AM
操
c.k1ng 7:21:46 AM
我看着都恶心
zhuo 7:22:25 AM
哈哈哈哈
zhuo 7:22:29 AM
IM GONNA WRITE THIS IN MY BLOG