I'm listening to one of my fav songs by Game right now - Pour it Out...Got out of bed just now, couldn't fall asleep again. CJ said I always have the most messed up experiences, each more messed up, more degen than the last one. I'm gonna be brutally honest again lol, March was an interesting month, fresh from comming back from visiting Rob in Austin. My mindset was fresh, cashed out $5k, and probably went on the biggest spending spree in my life. (degen as fk)
I started the month out strong, kept a routine going, gymed 3 times a day, played solid volume but eventually got burnt out...I started procrastinating, for some reason, my old harmful hobbies came back. I started smoking more, back to smoking 1/2 pack a day, started going for massages very very often. I started telling myself that maybe after all these years of recklessness I am finally paying the toll. The sides of my head are stiff as fk, my back pain came back all of a sudden and every night it's a coin toss between good or bad sleep.
I would continue this till about the end of the month when I self-excluded myself for the 2nd time in my poker career for 3 days(5k downswing). Around the same period, Ian started criticizing me more than ever since the time I've known him. "Too much spending" "degen" came out of his mouth more often. I paid no attention and kept doing what I was doing. Then one night, something he said to me finally smacked me in the face and opened my eyes to a lot of things that happened and their reasons. I was complaining to him on the phone about why I was so unlucky(non-poker related incident) and it was karma at work. Then I paused and asked him if he noticed that I changed in the past 3 months.
Ian : "I'm gonna be honest with you ok"?
me: "Yes please".
Ian : "You've been treating me like shit recently".
hly fk, at first my reaction was of shock, maybe reacted even violently. I asked why? He gave me examples, basically saying that I'm acting spoiled and selfish lol...I reflected a bit and saw that he had a point. Especially with the selfish part. What I find is I'm really not giving a shit to things that don't concern me. I tried to argue that I make my decisions rationally, which does not always come out in a good way for most people. And when they feed their emotions into it I get frustrated and angry, which is stupid if i think about it because by trying to b like the rational person that I am most of the time, in the end I get pissed and let my own emotions out.
C.J said I am getting less and less patient about everything. I am doing certain things to save myself time and effort, only looking at the end result, ignoring the joys of the process. At this point, I guess I should mention something...I had a huge fall out with a dear friend of mine back in February. I consider her to be always a very special person in my life but I impulsively decided at the time that the most +EV thing to do with our friendship, relationship or whatever the fk it is is to end it once and for all. I don't regret what I did at all, but what that did to me was turned me even colder than I was.
If you're reading this Yen, I am sorry but then again you said you totally understood my decision. I always thought of things from my perspective, trying to gain an edge for myself rather than thinking about the whole thing in yours. It didn't matter in the end, but in CJ's words I always expect too much from those who I value the most. We're probably both very selfish individuals who are scar'd, damaged to the point that all we are to each other is a voice of support and care, because I understand you too well and vice versa. I admit I felt hate towards you for the first time that day, but the more I thought of it the more it was like hating myself. You really are my twin like you said.
The truth is, I haven't said or done anything to anyone out of sincerity for the longest time. At first I argued with this girl I spoke to recently that I just give the impression to people that I'm insincere because of my body language and the way I giggle when I am meaning to express sincerity. To which she replied "but if that is the general impression people have of you, it just means you're insincere" I felt a chill by those words, I felt like my soul was missing.
I'm keeping up with gym, put $2k in my savings already from last month' profit. Made prop bet with Ian that I will add another $3k by end of this month. I genuinely want to pursue a healthier life, mindset. I'd like to think that the part of me that everyone liked is still there, hidden deep inside me.
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