Plan is in motion, I am feeling good. CJ's betting that i'll either cheat or pay my way out of this lol...
SELF EXCLUSION ENDS TOMORROW NIGHT.
Reality is Nourishment but people don't believe it
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
self-exclusion day 2
Opened the joint account today, the lady at the bank looked at us in a funny way. I lost my patience when I she asked me what is a "poker professional".
Plan is in motion, I am feeling good. CJ's betting that i'll either cheat or pay my way out of this lol...
SELF EXCLUSION ENDS TOMORROW NIGHT.
Plan is in motion, I am feeling good. CJ's betting that i'll either cheat or pay my way out of this lol...
SELF EXCLUSION ENDS TOMORROW NIGHT.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
self-exclusion day 1
i've self-excluded myself for the 3rd time...since black friday, it's been one pain on top of another. I had just cashed out $2k at the start of April, after hearing the news, I panick cashed out another $2k which left my roll at around $4k...the plan was to grind $100 and below for a while to keep it low variance. In the next 5 days I lost another $2k and finally was forced to grind $33s...for the first time in over a year...
I tried to look at it positively, thougth to myself by playing 33s i can take some pressure off and focus on my play rather than the results...however, little did i know I would continue to break even at the 33,50,55s for the next 10+days, running below EV on most days. Roll is at $2k now, lowest it's ever been...I've gotten past the stage of panick, took these past 2 days off to read and get sufficient sleep.
Prodigy's new book is sick, I like how honest he is about everything...I'm at the part where he's talking about the dark period before dropping hell on earth where his friends started dying one by one and losing his father to aids. I often times would think that karma's catching up or someone I angered is putting a curse on me. Taking a break is so important, I can't stress enough...I just wish that I had done this much sooner rather cuz I've wasted so much time stressing, worrying, coming up with worst case scenarios over and over again in my head. I was looking for some kind of answer but the truth was right infront of me. A lot of people would tell me to take a break, not think about it, go on a vacation, but it really is easier said then done. I still have myself to blame for all this, I knew from the start I needed a nice balance not just for my roll but at least $10k in my savings so i can sleep better when the checks aren't coming in. Problem is, I can't execute my own ideas, no matter how good they are, they become useless in the end.
I feel like i've been stuck in time since going pro, I haven't really improved outside of poker, outside of lifting, working out my muscles. In a lot of ways, I've gone backwards. I've come up with a plan to stop spewing money for next month, gonna open a joint account with my friend, basically whatever I spend on other than food I have to put 2x that amount into this account and never touch it again. Spewing money might really be my downfall if this continues...I really could be playing much higher if I didn't cash out so much.
I won't sugarcoat it, you'll die from diabetes if these other niggas wrote it~
I tried to look at it positively, thougth to myself by playing 33s i can take some pressure off and focus on my play rather than the results...however, little did i know I would continue to break even at the 33,50,55s for the next 10+days, running below EV on most days. Roll is at $2k now, lowest it's ever been...I've gotten past the stage of panick, took these past 2 days off to read and get sufficient sleep.
Prodigy's new book is sick, I like how honest he is about everything...I'm at the part where he's talking about the dark period before dropping hell on earth where his friends started dying one by one and losing his father to aids. I often times would think that karma's catching up or someone I angered is putting a curse on me. Taking a break is so important, I can't stress enough...I just wish that I had done this much sooner rather cuz I've wasted so much time stressing, worrying, coming up with worst case scenarios over and over again in my head. I was looking for some kind of answer but the truth was right infront of me. A lot of people would tell me to take a break, not think about it, go on a vacation, but it really is easier said then done. I still have myself to blame for all this, I knew from the start I needed a nice balance not just for my roll but at least $10k in my savings so i can sleep better when the checks aren't coming in. Problem is, I can't execute my own ideas, no matter how good they are, they become useless in the end.
I feel like i've been stuck in time since going pro, I haven't really improved outside of poker, outside of lifting, working out my muscles. In a lot of ways, I've gone backwards. I've come up with a plan to stop spewing money for next month, gonna open a joint account with my friend, basically whatever I spend on other than food I have to put 2x that amount into this account and never touch it again. Spewing money might really be my downfall if this continues...I really could be playing much higher if I didn't cash out so much.
I won't sugarcoat it, you'll die from diabetes if these other niggas wrote it~
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Was it all a Dream?
I was doing some shopping yesterday when Tiago told me about the news. All he said was "did you go on fulltiltpoker.com"? and my heart stopped beating...I sometimes think to myself, this is too good to be true, playing online poker in the comfort of my room, not breaking a sweat and making more than the average person.
The more I read about it, the more I realized that as a Canadian I was probably not going to be affected much, can't imagine what's going through the heads of American pros right now. I was prepared for the worst also, I joked that I would have to start working at a gas station even.
To my fellow American grinders, I hope this is just a temporary setback and alternatives will soon be available. Don't know if it was my instincts but I cashed out a ton leading up to Black Friday (3k still held by my bank,cross fingers).
ROBBY, come to T.O and live with me LUV?
The more I read about it, the more I realized that as a Canadian I was probably not going to be affected much, can't imagine what's going through the heads of American pros right now. I was prepared for the worst also, I joked that I would have to start working at a gas station even.
To my fellow American grinders, I hope this is just a temporary setback and alternatives will soon be available. Don't know if it was my instincts but I cashed out a ton leading up to Black Friday (3k still held by my bank,cross fingers).
ROBBY, come to T.O and live with me LUV?
If we can only put our paper together and make a change
Destroying the real, one break at a time, re-arrange,
The way that we think, we killin' ourselves it's a shame,
We gotta wake up and realize... That we're all pawns in the game
Thursday, April 14, 2011
HOROSCOPE 101 (MY VERSION)
My version of the horoscopes. I will start off with an intro, set a few things straight: I will not mention almost half of the horoscopes because I feel that either 1. I don't have enough knowledge about them. 2. I really don't feel they are even worth mentioning. 3. Continuing from 2, I do believe that the 12 horoscopes = not meant to be cut dry equal, meaning they don't all share the equal amount of pts like making a main character in an RPG. Some are downright superior, others are downright mediocre. Don't get offended, keep in mind this is all described through the POV of a Gemini (me).
1. Taurus
2. Gemini
That's me, and I will be brutally honest about people belonging to this sign. I have quite a few Gemini friends, I tend to share the sickest commonalities, inside jokes and can often laugh till I get ulcers talking to a Gemini. Doesn't really mean we're funny people, I find Geminis to have a lot of energy, how they use this energy though is usually a waste. We try to accomplish too many things, instead of focusing on one at a time, we can start 4 different homework assignments, start reading 5 books, 4 table HUSNGS, MSN, and talk on the phone, all at the same time.
Don't bother getting into an argument with Geminis, you'll feel like shit after either because of their relentless berating while proving a point, or they'll confuse the hell out of you bending and obscuring things along the way. Gs are Sadistic people, they genuinely believe that part of the enjoyment they get out of anything they do is make fun/ ridicule their target in some way. They do this casually, as if it's within their rights, within their twisted boundaries of what's right/wrong. That is not to say that Gemini people are assholes, Gs actually are very good at adapting to people, situations, sometimes to the point that in order to gain trust, loyalty, Gs will play their cards perfect, they'll say exactly what the person wants the hear at the exact moment, they can take on the role of a general or a soldier, often times switching back and forth with ease because their adaptation skills allow them to be good team players.
Geminis are very bipolar in the way that deep down, they're the most kind-hearted out of all the horoscopes. They have a tremendous sense of justice but rarely shows it. On the other hand, the impression they give others is nowhere near kind-heartedness, their sharp tongue, narcissism make people feel a sense of instability because others find it hard to know when the G is being playful or serious. Only the Gemini him/herself knows what he/she is thinking.
3. Cancer
The most precious sign IMO, if you have a Cancer in your life, treasure them. These people don't have too much to offer in terms of talents, skills. Instead, they're decent at everything. Not incredibly smart, but just smart enough to get the job done. Cancer people are caring to friends, family, provides a sense of support, stability, however Cancers are incredibly sensitive. While providing love and care to their friends/family, they often expect also a lot in return. When they don't get it they can get moody and confuse people.
Cancers get things done, they know what's important, when asked to do something, they never delay it. It is this reason that make them the ideal people to go to for favors.
4. Sagittarius
O my, as a Gemini, I have a fatal attraction to Sags. It's very easy for me to befriend Sags and I find there often exist a tremendous amount of attraction between the two. Sorry to my guy friends reading this if you feel this sounds really gay lol. Sags possess a very child-like personality, very carefree and even more restless than Geminis, which make them the ideal playmate for Gs. The attraction between the two exist not only on a physical level but also mental. Quick-witted, Sags tend to be well knowledge d in broad topics, not shy to offer their opinions at all times.
The problem with Sags is that they often get along too easily with everyone, the reason is because they don't want to piss anybody off and often acts timid, they would do anything to avoid confrontation. If you're rounding up people to help you in a fight, don't bother with these fkers...not because they don't care about you, they just hate confrontation!! Because of this, I don't feel Sags are very loyal. They tend to move on pretty quickly from one to the other. They're often the peacemakers, no matter how strong your relationship with the Sag is, they won't fully back you because they feel that's disturbing the balance.
5. Aquarius
Aquarius is basically a bot, they are empty to begin with but whatever ideas that get fed into their heads they stubbornly cling to and becomes their principles. It is all up to what these ideas are to determine what the Aquarius person really is. Because of this, it's a huge hit or miss. People who are easy to brainwash and become extremists are often Aquarius IMHO.
On the plus side, Aquarius's strong principles make them become like a open book. Brutal honesty, straight-cutting often, they will give it to you straight, no bullshit attached. Reminds me of the Chinese Triads still using the traditions that's been passed on for generations, stubbornly clinging to it. Aq people are incredibly rebellious and carefree, never confined by rules, Aq will trace these rules to their principles and if they don't fit, they rebel.
Geminis are supposed to be very compatible with Aquarius, and for a good reason...The honesty and open book feel is refreshing and important for a Gemini, Aquarius reminds Gemini of what they truly desire in life. Gs offer a great sense of respect for Aquarius' honesty.
6. Leo
The hardest one for me to write about, Leos are stubborn and often will mercilessly fight for something that is of no importance. They tend to go super-saiyan and forget the reason, they'll do it just out of annoyance. If they use it right, their passion and pride can go long ways and they can surpass light years ahead of their competitors.
Leos will never ask for your opinion and if you suggest something to them they'll tell you to fk off. They have a hard time accepting that someone else's idea could be better for them. Because of this, Leo tend to become great artists at what they do, the end product of their work usually shows a lot of their personality imprinted.
1. Taurus
2. Gemini
That's me, and I will be brutally honest about people belonging to this sign. I have quite a few Gemini friends, I tend to share the sickest commonalities, inside jokes and can often laugh till I get ulcers talking to a Gemini. Doesn't really mean we're funny people, I find Geminis to have a lot of energy, how they use this energy though is usually a waste. We try to accomplish too many things, instead of focusing on one at a time, we can start 4 different homework assignments, start reading 5 books, 4 table HUSNGS, MSN, and talk on the phone, all at the same time.
Don't bother getting into an argument with Geminis, you'll feel like shit after either because of their relentless berating while proving a point, or they'll confuse the hell out of you bending and obscuring things along the way. Gs are Sadistic people, they genuinely believe that part of the enjoyment they get out of anything they do is make fun/ ridicule their target in some way. They do this casually, as if it's within their rights, within their twisted boundaries of what's right/wrong. That is not to say that Gemini people are assholes, Gs actually are very good at adapting to people, situations, sometimes to the point that in order to gain trust, loyalty, Gs will play their cards perfect, they'll say exactly what the person wants the hear at the exact moment, they can take on the role of a general or a soldier, often times switching back and forth with ease because their adaptation skills allow them to be good team players.
Geminis are very bipolar in the way that deep down, they're the most kind-hearted out of all the horoscopes. They have a tremendous sense of justice but rarely shows it. On the other hand, the impression they give others is nowhere near kind-heartedness, their sharp tongue, narcissism make people feel a sense of instability because others find it hard to know when the G is being playful or serious. Only the Gemini him/herself knows what he/she is thinking.
3. Cancer
The most precious sign IMO, if you have a Cancer in your life, treasure them. These people don't have too much to offer in terms of talents, skills. Instead, they're decent at everything. Not incredibly smart, but just smart enough to get the job done. Cancer people are caring to friends, family, provides a sense of support, stability, however Cancers are incredibly sensitive. While providing love and care to their friends/family, they often expect also a lot in return. When they don't get it they can get moody and confuse people.
Cancers get things done, they know what's important, when asked to do something, they never delay it. It is this reason that make them the ideal people to go to for favors.
4. Sagittarius
O my, as a Gemini, I have a fatal attraction to Sags. It's very easy for me to befriend Sags and I find there often exist a tremendous amount of attraction between the two. Sorry to my guy friends reading this if you feel this sounds really gay lol. Sags possess a very child-like personality, very carefree and even more restless than Geminis, which make them the ideal playmate for Gs. The attraction between the two exist not only on a physical level but also mental. Quick-witted, Sags tend to be well knowledge d in broad topics, not shy to offer their opinions at all times.
The problem with Sags is that they often get along too easily with everyone, the reason is because they don't want to piss anybody off and often acts timid, they would do anything to avoid confrontation. If you're rounding up people to help you in a fight, don't bother with these fkers...not because they don't care about you, they just hate confrontation!! Because of this, I don't feel Sags are very loyal. They tend to move on pretty quickly from one to the other. They're often the peacemakers, no matter how strong your relationship with the Sag is, they won't fully back you because they feel that's disturbing the balance.
5. Aquarius
Aquarius is basically a bot, they are empty to begin with but whatever ideas that get fed into their heads they stubbornly cling to and becomes their principles. It is all up to what these ideas are to determine what the Aquarius person really is. Because of this, it's a huge hit or miss. People who are easy to brainwash and become extremists are often Aquarius IMHO.
On the plus side, Aquarius's strong principles make them become like a open book. Brutal honesty, straight-cutting often, they will give it to you straight, no bullshit attached. Reminds me of the Chinese Triads still using the traditions that's been passed on for generations, stubbornly clinging to it. Aq people are incredibly rebellious and carefree, never confined by rules, Aq will trace these rules to their principles and if they don't fit, they rebel.
Geminis are supposed to be very compatible with Aquarius, and for a good reason...The honesty and open book feel is refreshing and important for a Gemini, Aquarius reminds Gemini of what they truly desire in life. Gs offer a great sense of respect for Aquarius' honesty.
6. Leo
The hardest one for me to write about, Leos are stubborn and often will mercilessly fight for something that is of no importance. They tend to go super-saiyan and forget the reason, they'll do it just out of annoyance. If they use it right, their passion and pride can go long ways and they can surpass light years ahead of their competitors.
Leos will never ask for your opinion and if you suggest something to them they'll tell you to fk off. They have a hard time accepting that someone else's idea could be better for them. Because of this, Leo tend to become great artists at what they do, the end product of their work usually shows a lot of their personality imprinted.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Pour It Out...
I'm listening to one of my fav songs by Game right now - Pour it Out...Got out of bed just now, couldn't fall asleep again. CJ said I always have the most messed up experiences, each more messed up, more degen than the last one. I'm gonna be brutally honest again lol, March was an interesting month, fresh from comming back from visiting Rob in Austin. My mindset was fresh, cashed out $5k, and probably went on the biggest spending spree in my life. (degen as fk)
I started the month out strong, kept a routine going, gymed 3 times a day, played solid volume but eventually got burnt out...I started procrastinating, for some reason, my old harmful hobbies came back. I started smoking more, back to smoking 1/2 pack a day, started going for massages very very often. I started telling myself that maybe after all these years of recklessness I am finally paying the toll. The sides of my head are stiff as fk, my back pain came back all of a sudden and every night it's a coin toss between good or bad sleep.
I would continue this till about the end of the month when I self-excluded myself for the 2nd time in my poker career for 3 days(5k downswing). Around the same period, Ian started criticizing me more than ever since the time I've known him. "Too much spending" "degen" came out of his mouth more often. I paid no attention and kept doing what I was doing. Then one night, something he said to me finally smacked me in the face and opened my eyes to a lot of things that happened and their reasons. I was complaining to him on the phone about why I was so unlucky(non-poker related incident) and it was karma at work. Then I paused and asked him if he noticed that I changed in the past 3 months.
Ian : "I'm gonna be honest with you ok"?
me: "Yes please".
Ian : "You've been treating me like shit recently".
hly fk, at first my reaction was of shock, maybe reacted even violently. I asked why? He gave me examples, basically saying that I'm acting spoiled and selfish lol...I reflected a bit and saw that he had a point. Especially with the selfish part. What I find is I'm really not giving a shit to things that don't concern me. I tried to argue that I make my decisions rationally, which does not always come out in a good way for most people. And when they feed their emotions into it I get frustrated and angry, which is stupid if i think about it because by trying to b like the rational person that I am most of the time, in the end I get pissed and let my own emotions out.
C.J said I am getting less and less patient about everything. I am doing certain things to save myself time and effort, only looking at the end result, ignoring the joys of the process. At this point, I guess I should mention something...I had a huge fall out with a dear friend of mine back in February. I consider her to be always a very special person in my life but I impulsively decided at the time that the most +EV thing to do with our friendship, relationship or whatever the fk it is is to end it once and for all. I don't regret what I did at all, but what that did to me was turned me even colder than I was.
If you're reading this Yen, I am sorry but then again you said you totally understood my decision. I always thought of things from my perspective, trying to gain an edge for myself rather than thinking about the whole thing in yours. It didn't matter in the end, but in CJ's words I always expect too much from those who I value the most. We're probably both very selfish individuals who are scar'd, damaged to the point that all we are to each other is a voice of support and care, because I understand you too well and vice versa. I admit I felt hate towards you for the first time that day, but the more I thought of it the more it was like hating myself. You really are my twin like you said.
The truth is, I haven't said or done anything to anyone out of sincerity for the longest time. At first I argued with this girl I spoke to recently that I just give the impression to people that I'm insincere because of my body language and the way I giggle when I am meaning to express sincerity. To which she replied "but if that is the general impression people have of you, it just means you're insincere" I felt a chill by those words, I felt like my soul was missing.
I'm keeping up with gym, put $2k in my savings already from last month' profit. Made prop bet with Ian that I will add another $3k by end of this month. I genuinely want to pursue a healthier life, mindset. I'd like to think that the part of me that everyone liked is still there, hidden deep inside me.
I started the month out strong, kept a routine going, gymed 3 times a day, played solid volume but eventually got burnt out...I started procrastinating, for some reason, my old harmful hobbies came back. I started smoking more, back to smoking 1/2 pack a day, started going for massages very very often. I started telling myself that maybe after all these years of recklessness I am finally paying the toll. The sides of my head are stiff as fk, my back pain came back all of a sudden and every night it's a coin toss between good or bad sleep.
I would continue this till about the end of the month when I self-excluded myself for the 2nd time in my poker career for 3 days(5k downswing). Around the same period, Ian started criticizing me more than ever since the time I've known him. "Too much spending" "degen" came out of his mouth more often. I paid no attention and kept doing what I was doing. Then one night, something he said to me finally smacked me in the face and opened my eyes to a lot of things that happened and their reasons. I was complaining to him on the phone about why I was so unlucky(non-poker related incident) and it was karma at work. Then I paused and asked him if he noticed that I changed in the past 3 months.
Ian : "I'm gonna be honest with you ok"?
me: "Yes please".
Ian : "You've been treating me like shit recently".
hly fk, at first my reaction was of shock, maybe reacted even violently. I asked why? He gave me examples, basically saying that I'm acting spoiled and selfish lol...I reflected a bit and saw that he had a point. Especially with the selfish part. What I find is I'm really not giving a shit to things that don't concern me. I tried to argue that I make my decisions rationally, which does not always come out in a good way for most people. And when they feed their emotions into it I get frustrated and angry, which is stupid if i think about it because by trying to b like the rational person that I am most of the time, in the end I get pissed and let my own emotions out.
C.J said I am getting less and less patient about everything. I am doing certain things to save myself time and effort, only looking at the end result, ignoring the joys of the process. At this point, I guess I should mention something...I had a huge fall out with a dear friend of mine back in February. I consider her to be always a very special person in my life but I impulsively decided at the time that the most +EV thing to do with our friendship, relationship or whatever the fk it is is to end it once and for all. I don't regret what I did at all, but what that did to me was turned me even colder than I was.
If you're reading this Yen, I am sorry but then again you said you totally understood my decision. I always thought of things from my perspective, trying to gain an edge for myself rather than thinking about the whole thing in yours. It didn't matter in the end, but in CJ's words I always expect too much from those who I value the most. We're probably both very selfish individuals who are scar'd, damaged to the point that all we are to each other is a voice of support and care, because I understand you too well and vice versa. I admit I felt hate towards you for the first time that day, but the more I thought of it the more it was like hating myself. You really are my twin like you said.
The truth is, I haven't said or done anything to anyone out of sincerity for the longest time. At first I argued with this girl I spoke to recently that I just give the impression to people that I'm insincere because of my body language and the way I giggle when I am meaning to express sincerity. To which she replied "but if that is the general impression people have of you, it just means you're insincere" I felt a chill by those words, I felt like my soul was missing.
I'm keeping up with gym, put $2k in my savings already from last month' profit. Made prop bet with Ian that I will add another $3k by end of this month. I genuinely want to pursue a healthier life, mindset. I'd like to think that the part of me that everyone liked is still there, hidden deep inside me.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
FEB results
Just had my biggest month in poker, played a ton of volume and made $7k in Feb. Transitioned into playing turbos last month for volume. I don't feel that I'm playing well enough in turbos, running at 3-4roi on average for the past month.
I spent the last week of the month down in Austin chilling with Robert. We sweated each other a bit which was a valuable experience, but we didn't play too much while I was there. I had a really good time, met his friends, we went down to the shooting range, shot ak47, pistols, watched his bball game. I was somewhat dissappointed though at the timming of him getting back w/ his gf cuz he was supposed to show me his hollering skills when we went clubbing...Rob, u better come down to beijing in the summer. I also met Bryan "PRIMORDIALAA" and his wife Mel at his baller home, talked to primo and gained a lot of confidence from that whole experience. I look up to these kids who are the same age/younger than me crushing and pulling in 1/2 a mil each year from playing poker. I used to think that I will probably get sick of this game in another 2 years or so but recently I am starting to doubt that...I find that the more I play, the more I realize that poker is something I really enjoy, sure grinding has its toll but after 2 years of grinding HU, I am still having fun. Take 2 days off and I come right back with hunger.
Poker's going great, I feel more and more confident...I am now capable of pulling through these massive swings, average about 50 games/day and so far I have yet to have a loosing month. My game's definitely subpar compared to a lot of the better regs at my level but I feel my biggest strength is the discipline I've acquired all these years from playing counterstrike and working tough summer jobs. I feel I need another month of playing the 100s/110s and start playing the 200-300 lvl.
Like I mentioned in my previous entry, I won't blog as much starting now, moving to Beijing in the next month or so. I will blog, but probably not much about poker. I've proved enough, how many of you can rake in $5k/month after taxes in Canada? You don't see my vision, it's fine, I won't stress anymore. I've wasted enough time, in the end all I get is your games. What I went through was unfair for any person. I did everything I could, I don't want to say I gave 100%, and yes I made mistakes, but you really can't achieve shit if you can't let go of the small things. Grow the fk up, have some dignity, sometimes I wonder what kind of friends you hang around. Parents can fk u up by doing everything for you even when you're 30 yrs old, but in the end you're the one who's fking yourself. That mentality does not go with your age, innocence gets old and becomes stupidity.
Profit: $6,408 incl. rakeback on FT + $300 bonus stars + $330 leaderboard bonus =
$7038
LEGS?!!?
Friday, February 18, 2011
SHIP IT (luv saigon)
YOU EVER GET THE FEELING, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY
YOU KNOW YOU'LL MAKE IT SOMEDAY...
YOU KNOW THE FEELING WHEN YOUR BACK AGAINST THE WALL
PPL SAY THEY LOVE YOU BUT YOU AIN'T CONVINCED AT ALL
TELL EM THEY FULL OF SHIT, THEY TELL YOU YOU INSECURE.
CALLING YOU IMMATURE, DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
YOU EVER FEEL LIKE IT'S YOU AGAINST THE WHOLE WORLD?
LIKE EVERYBODY'S SCHEMING EVEN YOUR OWN GIRL?
YOUR FRIEND COUNTING YOUR $,
TELL HIM YOU AIN'T GOT IT AND HE LOOKING AT YOU FUNNY...
EVERYBODY MAD AT YOU, EVEN YOUR FAMILY
THE AIR THICKENS WHEN THERE'S MODESTY,
THEY START DOUBTING, IS HE REALLY DOING IT
OR WILL HE SOON SEE THE END OF IT.
Friday, February 11, 2011
What can I say about Chinese bitches you don't already know?
zhuo 7:20:14 AM
THEIR LOGIC IS FKN RETARDED
zhuo 7:20:22 AM
"IF HE'S NOT AGGRESSIVE, THAT MEANS HE'S NOT SERIOUS"
zhuo 7:20:36 AM
EAT A DICK
c.k1ng 7:20:57 AM
哈哈哈
c.k1ng 7:20:58 AM
对
c.k1ng 7:21:02 AM
lol
c.k1ng 7:21:05 AM
脑残
c.k1ng 7:21:24 AM
因为中国SB男生=没尊严at all
c.k1ng 7:21:43 AM
...哇...大美女...
c.k1ng 7:21:44 AM
操
c.k1ng 7:21:46 AM
我看着都恶心
zhuo 7:22:25 AM
哈哈哈哈
zhuo 7:22:29 AM
IM GONNA WRITE THIS IN MY BLOG
THEIR LOGIC IS FKN RETARDED
zhuo 7:20:22 AM
"IF HE'S NOT AGGRESSIVE, THAT MEANS HE'S NOT SERIOUS"
zhuo 7:20:36 AM
EAT A DICK
c.k1ng 7:20:57 AM
哈哈哈
c.k1ng 7:20:58 AM
对
c.k1ng 7:21:02 AM
lol
c.k1ng 7:21:05 AM
脑残
c.k1ng 7:21:24 AM
因为中国SB男生=没尊严at all
c.k1ng 7:21:43 AM
...哇...大美女...
c.k1ng 7:21:44 AM
操
c.k1ng 7:21:46 AM
我看着都恶心
zhuo 7:22:25 AM
哈哈哈哈
zhuo 7:22:29 AM
IM GONNA WRITE THIS IN MY BLOG
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I live in tragedy
I've written pretty personal stuff before, but not like this. I'm gonna think carefully before each word I'm about to put out because I don't want to feel any regret reading this afterward, not in a year, not ever.
Where to start? Lately I really feel the pressure creeping inside me, pressure like this is unexplainable, I don't think most people experience this in a lifetime. Sleep is no longer possible, it's become an idea in my head. I guess a lot of this pressure I put on myself by setting goals that are too high to reach at the time, procrastinating.
I started pro poker in mid November, made 4k in nov, close to 8k in dec, and 4k in jan. Not too bad but I fell short of my targets and felt down most of the time. I expected to quit my job and do 10k months easily but didn't factor in a lot of things. Only few of my friends know this...my winnings don't all go to myself, I've been helping out the family with bills for the past 2 years. I do so with pride, never looked at it as a burden because honestly, I feel confident, and couple hundred is nothing to me.
I've never been in good relations with my dad for an extended period because he has a side that is so fucking unbelievably hypocritical and phony, a side he shows only to my mom and me. Back in August, I basically sat down with him and explained that I was thinking of quitting my job to pursue full time poker. He knew how much I was making and although hesitant at first he eventually said I could do it to make more cash because there aren't many high paying jobs in Canada that would provide the same....as expected, practical and to the point, how he is most of the time.
Fast forward to October, I return from China after a month long vacation. Within a couple days of my return, I feel like something wasn't right, and as expected he has this "conversation" with me. I was prepared to answer his questions and knew what kinda questions he had. How much I spent, did I bust my poker money completely, am I starting over, will I still quit my job? I told him yes, I am quitting and got annoyed, eventually I silenced him telling him that nothing is changing, my plan will carry forward. I told him I was gonna make at least $5,000/month and he said he was relieved and WAS HAPPY FOR ME...He said as long as I can keep up my end of the deal he has nothing against it.
Come Feb 2nd, Chinese New Years. Mom goes outside to shovel after dinner, soon as she step out, he says something like "you know, I don't want you bringing people to the house anymore, not for poker, not for video games, not for anything, that stuff make me sick." At this point, I would like to point out something about me, I've been told that I raise my voice a lot by a lot of people, well....that's cuz a lot of people are retarded, make no sense, are completely illogical, and that's how my voice sound when I talk to people who are retarded, make no sense, and completely illogical.
ME: "WHY?"
HIM: "BECAUSE IT'S MY HOUSE AND I SAID SO"?
At this point I knew what was gonna happen and I was about to unleash on him. I knew also that he would tell me to lower my voice and make the empty threat he always make by telling me "then you should just move out". Everyone who's been there in the past few times I moved out knows that the reasons have been the same...He randomly act all bitch and expect me to say hail hitler and not question him.
I reminded him that he still hasn't changed the locks on our door after renting the basement out to god knows how many tenants in the past 10 years and he's bitching about my harmless friends comming over. He then says that I have been living an abnormal life and have no social circle, doing nothing but playing poker. I admit, I've been pretty focused on poker ever since going pro but wtf, how can I sleep at 12 and wake up at 8 everyday? Does any 24 year old do that? I told him I spend no longer than 4 hours a day on most days and he just bitched about me bringing friends over/being antisocial. HYPOCRITE AS ALWAYS.
He then hit me with this comment which basically triggered me going berserk "Poker is not even something that is recognized, there is no skill, intellect, education involved to do it" I would like to point out at this point that sometimes I think my dad's a fairly intelligent individual, but he knows how to bend words, set double standards, be a complete hypocrite like any good dictator, phony politician. I remember even certain relatives were indirectly throwing comments at him in that matter during my time in China which made me kinda pissed off at the time even.
So after pointing out he's being a hypocrite by telling me I can't bring anyone over and having no social life, he changes the subject again and digs out an age old topic "why can't you go to school"? WELL CUZ I FKN LOCKED THAT ONE UP HOW MANY YEARS AGO? AND HOW ABOUT THAT IF I DO, YOU WON'T PAY FOR IT AND NEITHER WOULD I? AND I DON'T WANT TO BE IN DEBT FOR 20-30GS, JOBLESS, IN MY 30S, KINDA LIKE A LOT OF MY FRIENDS RIGHT NOW?
He questions if I'm really making any $$ from poker and at this point this whole thing is started to turn into something of a joke, like he's starting to play more of the role of a clueless resident at a retirement home. I said are you fkn kidding me? AGAIN? I jus made $800 just now before dinner, $5k last month, the month before that. "You don't have proof, you can't say that if you can't show me proof" LOL....
I told him in details again and said I had proof and it's extremely lame how I feel like rather than talking to my father, it feels like I'm talking to a kid. He finally interrupts me and said "You know what John? don't think I'm impressed or envious by any of this".......
I mean I could end it here, but no I have to explain some back stories as well. I fear talking to him, every time he tries to talk to me he would always start with "you're not losing lately are you"? "Are you sure you're smart enough for this?" He's been putting me down, taking stabs at my confidence forever, encouraging me to finish school, telling me that I can do it but when I say no, he'll tell me how immature I am, how useless I am without him. How I can't take care of myself if I did move out, completely ignoring the fact that I was living on my own during University for almost 3 years.
In the end, this is what I get, from my family...sarcasm, put downs, I mean I'm not stupid, I can picture what happened that led to this. He prolly talked to his friend and they mentioned that their son just finished so n so degree aat watever school, working at idongiveafk company kissing ass. He probably was embarrassed to tell them what I'm doing, sure I understand him, I would be embarrassed too if i'm some chink living in feudal china, where all my cousins fuck each other and make ugly ass babies.
FK THIS SHIT, I'm not mad, I know what's gonna happen, I'm gonna tell them I'm moving out, to Beijing, to play poker, not gonna tell them about my other plans obviously because he will have hard time believing that I can accomplish it haha. He's gonna put on his pride face and say "ya move out, I don't care" Then within 1 month he's gonna ask my mom to email me, asking me to come back because in his own words "our family should stick together" HLY FK ARE U KIDDING ME? IM A HU POKER PLAYER, WHAT YOU THINK, I KNOW YOUR STUPID TENDENCIES SO WELL BY NOW. You just owned yourself, I'm not a kid anymore, no one can take your shit, mom complains to me all the time and the only reason she's putting up with your hypocrisy is cuz she's tired after all these years.
To everyone who's ever commented that I constantly seem to be out to prove something, I hope you know why now? I've always carried my weight all by myself, if I can save listening to negative comments, sarcasm, I gladly hold it all inside of me, it's unhealthy, I don't gain weight because of it, can't sleep because of it, used to empty a pack of cigarettes because of it.
To my friends, don't worry about me, all this shit do is push me harder, I've been grinding like mad since Feb 1st, it's that time of the month, all I see is $$ signs. Up $1800 this month.
I've never asked for support, kind words, assurance, all I ever ask for from most people is to be left alone, not drag me down to their degenerate levels.
I will update this blog one more time for Feb results and I will probably not update it as often...Thanks for reading
Where to start? Lately I really feel the pressure creeping inside me, pressure like this is unexplainable, I don't think most people experience this in a lifetime. Sleep is no longer possible, it's become an idea in my head. I guess a lot of this pressure I put on myself by setting goals that are too high to reach at the time, procrastinating.
I started pro poker in mid November, made 4k in nov, close to 8k in dec, and 4k in jan. Not too bad but I fell short of my targets and felt down most of the time. I expected to quit my job and do 10k months easily but didn't factor in a lot of things. Only few of my friends know this...my winnings don't all go to myself, I've been helping out the family with bills for the past 2 years. I do so with pride, never looked at it as a burden because honestly, I feel confident, and couple hundred is nothing to me.
I've never been in good relations with my dad for an extended period because he has a side that is so fucking unbelievably hypocritical and phony, a side he shows only to my mom and me. Back in August, I basically sat down with him and explained that I was thinking of quitting my job to pursue full time poker. He knew how much I was making and although hesitant at first he eventually said I could do it to make more cash because there aren't many high paying jobs in Canada that would provide the same....as expected, practical and to the point, how he is most of the time.
Fast forward to October, I return from China after a month long vacation. Within a couple days of my return, I feel like something wasn't right, and as expected he has this "conversation" with me. I was prepared to answer his questions and knew what kinda questions he had. How much I spent, did I bust my poker money completely, am I starting over, will I still quit my job? I told him yes, I am quitting and got annoyed, eventually I silenced him telling him that nothing is changing, my plan will carry forward. I told him I was gonna make at least $5,000/month and he said he was relieved and WAS HAPPY FOR ME...He said as long as I can keep up my end of the deal he has nothing against it.
Come Feb 2nd, Chinese New Years. Mom goes outside to shovel after dinner, soon as she step out, he says something like "you know, I don't want you bringing people to the house anymore, not for poker, not for video games, not for anything, that stuff make me sick." At this point, I would like to point out something about me, I've been told that I raise my voice a lot by a lot of people, well....that's cuz a lot of people are retarded, make no sense, are completely illogical, and that's how my voice sound when I talk to people who are retarded, make no sense, and completely illogical.
ME: "WHY?"
HIM: "BECAUSE IT'S MY HOUSE AND I SAID SO"?
At this point I knew what was gonna happen and I was about to unleash on him. I knew also that he would tell me to lower my voice and make the empty threat he always make by telling me "then you should just move out". Everyone who's been there in the past few times I moved out knows that the reasons have been the same...He randomly act all bitch and expect me to say hail hitler and not question him.
I reminded him that he still hasn't changed the locks on our door after renting the basement out to god knows how many tenants in the past 10 years and he's bitching about my harmless friends comming over. He then says that I have been living an abnormal life and have no social circle, doing nothing but playing poker. I admit, I've been pretty focused on poker ever since going pro but wtf, how can I sleep at 12 and wake up at 8 everyday? Does any 24 year old do that? I told him I spend no longer than 4 hours a day on most days and he just bitched about me bringing friends over/being antisocial. HYPOCRITE AS ALWAYS.
He then hit me with this comment which basically triggered me going berserk "Poker is not even something that is recognized, there is no skill, intellect, education involved to do it" I would like to point out at this point that sometimes I think my dad's a fairly intelligent individual, but he knows how to bend words, set double standards, be a complete hypocrite like any good dictator, phony politician. I remember even certain relatives were indirectly throwing comments at him in that matter during my time in China which made me kinda pissed off at the time even.
So after pointing out he's being a hypocrite by telling me I can't bring anyone over and having no social life, he changes the subject again and digs out an age old topic "why can't you go to school"? WELL CUZ I FKN LOCKED THAT ONE UP HOW MANY YEARS AGO? AND HOW ABOUT THAT IF I DO, YOU WON'T PAY FOR IT AND NEITHER WOULD I? AND I DON'T WANT TO BE IN DEBT FOR 20-30GS, JOBLESS, IN MY 30S, KINDA LIKE A LOT OF MY FRIENDS RIGHT NOW?
He questions if I'm really making any $$ from poker and at this point this whole thing is started to turn into something of a joke, like he's starting to play more of the role of a clueless resident at a retirement home. I said are you fkn kidding me? AGAIN? I jus made $800 just now before dinner, $5k last month, the month before that. "You don't have proof, you can't say that if you can't show me proof" LOL....
I told him in details again and said I had proof and it's extremely lame how I feel like rather than talking to my father, it feels like I'm talking to a kid. He finally interrupts me and said "You know what John? don't think I'm impressed or envious by any of this".......
I mean I could end it here, but no I have to explain some back stories as well. I fear talking to him, every time he tries to talk to me he would always start with "you're not losing lately are you"? "Are you sure you're smart enough for this?" He's been putting me down, taking stabs at my confidence forever, encouraging me to finish school, telling me that I can do it but when I say no, he'll tell me how immature I am, how useless I am without him. How I can't take care of myself if I did move out, completely ignoring the fact that I was living on my own during University for almost 3 years.
In the end, this is what I get, from my family...sarcasm, put downs, I mean I'm not stupid, I can picture what happened that led to this. He prolly talked to his friend and they mentioned that their son just finished so n so degree aat watever school, working at idongiveafk company kissing ass. He probably was embarrassed to tell them what I'm doing, sure I understand him, I would be embarrassed too if i'm some chink living in feudal china, where all my cousins fuck each other and make ugly ass babies.
FK THIS SHIT, I'm not mad, I know what's gonna happen, I'm gonna tell them I'm moving out, to Beijing, to play poker, not gonna tell them about my other plans obviously because he will have hard time believing that I can accomplish it haha. He's gonna put on his pride face and say "ya move out, I don't care" Then within 1 month he's gonna ask my mom to email me, asking me to come back because in his own words "our family should stick together" HLY FK ARE U KIDDING ME? IM A HU POKER PLAYER, WHAT YOU THINK, I KNOW YOUR STUPID TENDENCIES SO WELL BY NOW. You just owned yourself, I'm not a kid anymore, no one can take your shit, mom complains to me all the time and the only reason she's putting up with your hypocrisy is cuz she's tired after all these years.
To everyone who's ever commented that I constantly seem to be out to prove something, I hope you know why now? I've always carried my weight all by myself, if I can save listening to negative comments, sarcasm, I gladly hold it all inside of me, it's unhealthy, I don't gain weight because of it, can't sleep because of it, used to empty a pack of cigarettes because of it.
To my friends, don't worry about me, all this shit do is push me harder, I've been grinding like mad since Feb 1st, it's that time of the month, all I see is $$ signs. Up $1800 this month.
I've never asked for support, kind words, assurance, all I ever ask for from most people is to be left alone, not drag me down to their degenerate levels.
I will update this blog one more time for Feb results and I will probably not update it as often...Thanks for reading
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
January Results
STARS -$736
FT $3,571
BLACKCARD $375
YEAR END BONUS 475
LEADERBOARD BONUS 300
PROFIT: $3985
FKKKK......I'm disappointed in my results, that's all I can say. 1200 games, I've been running below 5%ROI ever since mid November...
CJ pointed out that I always would start off strong at start of month, then weak midmonth and finish kinda strong at the end.....It make sense cuz i think of it as me procrastinating, playing too few games at the beginning while i'm on a heater...downswing comes and I think O SHIT I NEED TO PUT IN VOLUME.....
I'm gonna do something different this month, put in serious volume at the start of month, aiming for 1500 games cuz i'm doing a lot of turbos now. I can't keep doing this...I really am walking a thin line with no net, can't start spending like crazy after a $1k day.
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