is this a trick?

you had the presence of a goddess,

first time i saw you girl

you returned my passion to its sources

i might've stared too hard

but my intentions pure,

diciplined intellectual beauty, i observe from far

one look at you, it healed my scars,

don't worry about no dimes,

you'll forever be my optimus prime

i ain't no magician, this ain't a trick

dudes be sugarcoating, then they strip you for the filling

i be the bamboo leaf, wrap you with patience

impart my scent, call it panda fusion

never go through motions, there is no confusion, 

i spit that confucian, for your mind to listen

not cocky, this is just an honest expression

same branch

I notice lately my blog's content drifts away from poker and into random subjects. I've gone off track, I forgot the original purpose. This is just temporary, I will be back on track and write more poker relevant entries. It's just that I really have nothing worth reporting in terms of poker results, progress.

I will definitely end this blog soon on a high note. I will mentally elevate and stay levitated when the saga finally ends and I feel that day may be arriving very soon.

My bros giving me strength. Paape said we heal each other, my blood test is back and I am 100%. His knee will be fine when he get his result. We both went to doctor on same day, I got good news, and he's gonna get his, no other way, that's how it'll be, cuz we same branch.

Will I slay the dragon? I no longer care because Paape asked me what my initial instincts were and if I still trust them. He reminds me that whatever happens, it's what I get out of this whole thing that's worth gold. We gonna get BIG, I will never settle for anything less in said category.

I got off phone with CJ, he's been concerned about me losing motivation since I came back to Canada. I could tell from his voice. I ask him if he still believe in me, that if I told him this is only temporary and I would be back in the game stronger than ever he'd put all his faith in me. He told me he's not worried, he said that even though I spewed money in the past and got myself in my current situation, I've always liked nice things and always knew how to get it since back in the days writing essays for ESL kids for $50/ . it's sick to hear those words from someone who always criticized my spending habits.

It's GRIND TIME, sorry i'm so fkn bipolar phil galfond, I respect your blog but happiness can wait and I will sacrifice anything for EV atm. I'll read that shit again when I have a comfortable balance in my bank account, poker bankroll, nice whip and email full of condo prices.

how wisdom creates itself

I've been going at it none stop past couple days. stupid nurse at the doctors office didn't know what she was doing, my arm been in pain past 2 weeks, at first it came from a single point but eventually it spread and my entire arm started feeling numb.

So for 2 weeks I couldn't go do break dance or practice. I woke up this morning, was supposed to take day off like I usually do first day of the month. But I said what the hell, do I really need to rest? Plus, by some miracle the pain completely went away.

I predicted rebuilding would take up all summer, I'm paying for all the shit I did/didn't do in beijing. Come september im gonna hit the reset button, and pull myself back on track where I was. Am I stressed out? probably. but do I ever for a second doubted getting back to where i was? hell no.

i'm spilling random thoughts, i'll try to tie it all together by the end of this entry...past 2 days I been grinding with paape, something we stopped doing for a while...we started this thing lately where we would write rhymes back n forth...what I learnt from all this is this: I need this nigga by my side, if not physically, I need his presence in some form. If you think it's gay you can do yourself favor and stop reading.

I write rhymes, but my best ones are from the times we write together, while we grind, send songs, and bullshit. My best poker months came from a period where constant motivation, communication between us was not just a must, it was the air we breathed. out of all the regs, our 4man results were the best and that's hard statistical results. I stopped working out for almost a year, parents, friends all tell me to exercise more but I don't listen. Paape calls me and goes "john, i want you to start taking breakdance classes" and boom I do it right away.

We believe in each other, not blindly, when I tell him my thoughts, goals, no matter how unrealistic, "DO IT" is what I get from him. it's not fake either, basis is we both competitive and passionate and we both involved in something that's literally the purest form of hustle. decisions we make on a minute-minute basis is what determine profit. dude just placed 2nd,3rd mtts back to back in past 2 days. I'm feeding off him, i was walking down to the store to buy cigarettes and all I saw was dollar signs literally like it's the 1st of the month.

My life did a 180 recently, too much shit happened in such short notice. I couldn't accept them all at once but what choice do i have? I've been living under such double standard hypocrisy bullshit almost my entire life. the greatest joy in life was from the years I was out on my own. I've always fantasized revenge and the satisfaction I would get but I'm afraid that might never come anymore.

it's all good, because this is what i'm all about...I excel at times like this because it's so raw and simple. desire, discipline, dedication is all i need. I have a goal, a target to reach and a certain amount of time to get there, all that's in the way is not being my own enemy along the way.

i took a shit jus now and it felt awesome, i flushed down all the bullshit ideas incepted in my brain this past year, all the negativity i was fed. i don't need other ppl's opinions, especially on this matter...especially when most of these opinions are from ppl of inferior intellect.

some ppl want a challenge in life, some want to play it safe, its cool and i respect both. but don't be a hypocrite, don't tell me to play it safe when you gambled with your future when you were at my age. it paid off didn't it?

been listening to a lot of curren$y lately...dude's awesome, love how he's rapping about his life. his story is awesome, dude sold music for free and drives a Ferrari out of sheer discipline and talent. I saw the video of him driving it for first time and the excitement in him when he said "i don even have a bed to sleep in and i got myself a Ferrari" HAHAHA awesome.

this shit never gets old, call it mashochism or watever, but at least at the end of it i know i'll either be way up in sky or way down bottom of ocean.

blood related or not, you cross that thin line when you get in the way of my hustle, this is not the first time, think wisely before you give me any additional stress.

gg

我没事了，我其实知道不会有事，希望你也是。 电话上就跟你说清楚了，不是责怪你，我看待事情永远是理智，黑白的，你应该知道，你不想想我是干什么的。其实所有的一切有一个开始，我承认是我的错。从一开始我一直在装傻，而你在装聪明。一次又一次我没有揭穿你撒的小谎，想一想你比我小那么多，况且我从第一天起就发现你自卑，不懂装懂，懂的时候又不敢去证明你自己。 你撒谎就撒的漂亮些，我真的有时候懒得揭穿你。我不是个孩子了，以前我很傻比的总是喜欢揭穿别人。越是爱面子的人越是喜欢去揭穿。从一开始我把你当自己人，从一开始你就没说过实话，第一次见你我一眼就看出了，我哥们儿没说错，毕竟是他先见你真人。你蠢就罢了，这次你让我感觉我TMD跟你一样蠢。 为了你我甚至多次跟陈洁凡吵到爆发。 我再重复一次，我气不是应为责怪你，电话上说的很清楚。我气的是你不长记性，像上次WESTERN UNION一样你这次又TMD骗我。你侮辱我的智商不止一次，后果你又不是不知道，我到今天还是不怎么相信上次WU的事情。无所谓了，应为我连你撒谎的目的都摸不清楚。这次我都能想象发生了什么。为了你满半拍的脑袋，我重复的告诉你你应该去做什么。你TMD当时说你明白，第二天就跟个SB一样，完全忘了我跟你说的什么。你以为我有何目的？？你TMD从你那群白痴朋友的嘴里又听到了什么？我知道你脑袋一直是空白的，但你不至于真的觉得我有目的要去侮辱你,指责你？ 真的怪我，我犯贱了当时。我也骗了你，其实当时你跟我说那天晚上你拉着我手睡着是你最幸福的时刻我心很凉。应为那时刻也是我决定我们两个不可能的时候， 我不喜欢笨女人。后来第二天你刚上车走人，我就准备台词跟你说GG。一星期后我犯贱，我去找你，最终那晚你又来到我家。 后来我接受了这很被动的感情。没想到就像歌词一样，不可靠。 我不恨你，你就是蠢，希望你好好的。

protein where you at?

bamboo scrolls

ive been part of the elite, tip of the arrow,
doubters clouded my vision, don't blame em,
was never supposed to be a sprint,
I pull myself back to the marathon
work hard get paid, im ending this lame phase
was trapped in a nightmare
now i live the same dream with a vengeance
was starved for 10 months,
big macs, sipped cig ashes from a coke can
now i got my bros, we cut from same bamboo branch
26, looking 17, too much wisdom i can't stop shitting jewels

fk the snake shit, dragons don't slither
rooted deep, the real don't wither
these struggles won't be forgotten,
if i fail, my ideas live on,
you claim you hustle
but that shit's played out
im onto bigger things, bigger dreams,
I'm the club and machete
you the fish and the meat


i might still complain from time to time, in all honesty im just glad i don't have to punch a clock no more. poker still pays, i gotta keep investing the time, the passion like i was. keep motivating each other, bitches feed off evil, we feed off success. I carve these words on bamboo scrolls like calligraphy.

[peace out]

we stay winning, this week has been a bad massage, I need a happy ending and a new beginning

kohei

I don't know exactly what it was, but today I was reminded of you. It could be due to the smell of summer, that was when you disappeared...Diablo 3 is comming out tonight, that could be another reason, I still remember when I convinced you to play guild wars 2nd year of university.

Few times a year I would get reminded of you, google your name a few times, last year I asked my best friend's GF to search you up on japan's social network. She said she couldn't find you. Everyone said you went home after you graduated and never heard from you, our mutual friend promised me he would call your home in Japan but I never heard from him ever again. Another friend told me a year ago that you had some differences with the other japs at Trent after I left. Whatever it was, or whatever the reason you chose to disappear, I just want to say that you were supportive and helped me through the toughest times. I wish I could at least return the favor some day.

I jus realized that I don't even have a photo of you no more man. I don't think you were really understood by others while we were in school, at least I didn't fully get to know you til after 1st year. You were active as hell, social, well-liked by just about everyone, I spent more time chilling with you than with my girlfriend to the point she even got jealous.  It was only when I begun my depression that I found out more personal things about you. I finally found out the reason you picked up breakdancing, why you would practice by yourself almost every day for up to 3 hours.


The last time I saw you, you came down to scarborough and I gave you a tour of my school, tried to even convince you to enroll so we can crush again. We practiced at the YMCA that day, you got noticeably better, I watched you practice for the 1st time in over a year and I could see clearly that you never stopped practicing, even after I left Trent. In between I remember us going to a battle at scarborough town center. You convinced me to join the cypher but I had no confidence at all. You didn't bring your shoes so you had to wear mine haha.

I think I told you I was gonna visit you once before you leave, but I never got to it...and before I knew it, you left without telling me and broke all contact with everyone...

I miss you man, you were a role model for me in many ways. You taught me discipline, persistence and most importantly you taught me the strength and power of being low-key and modest. You never talked much, but when you spoke people listened. I still remember when you scored the highest on the first test in year 1 calculus out of 300 ppl. I was so shocked, I thought you were just a slacker like me and that was when you gave me my first lesson on modesty.

I been listening to Dir en grey whole day, I was so into them back then. You would translate the lyrics for me haha, we tried to breakdance to agitated screams of maggots. I remember you telling me your fav song by them was "the final" 

the final

Gazing at unbound intentions...

I can't write characters with my left hand

When blood flows, there is a reason to live...

The words that I find are brilliant

Even if the person that I love

Magnificently scatters in my hand

Even if I carve the meaning of living into my hand

I'll become lifelessly beautiful

The Final

Even if it increases one at a time...

How can I become unsmiling bait?

I can't go back from this deep prison in my heart

I am a defeated person, whose self-torturing hasn't been

Touched by tomorrow

words become realer with gained wisdom - cormega

Back after 6 months of living in Beijing. As I sit in the chair of my grindstation at the comfort of home, I count my blessings. At times i felt like giving up completely, nothing was going my way at all...from the moment i set foot in Beijing everything went wrong. I tried my best to make everything work out but in the end reality is harsh, when it doesn't work out it doesn't work out...nothing I could possibly do. Things don't always need an explanation, a series of events led to myself breaking down mentally and physically.

It was a tough choice to make but looking back if i delayed it further, I don't think I would've taken on the additional stress. a lot of it was just pride and being my own enemy I guess. My friends always told me to stop bitching and move forward but I couldn't...not when I get reminded the REASON why for the past year I woke up every morning like a zombie and frantically turned on my computer to check news. If 2012 really is supposed to be end of the world, mines started on April 2011.

Everything I built upon since I went pro crumbled and fell down on me, buried me deep under. Confidence, motivation, pride...Truth was myself including everyone else....nobody saw it coming. As the anniversary of Black Friday approaches, I recount everything that I've learnt during this time and the feeling I get is the same feeling after going through a 2k downswing...It feels awesome...It's like that same feeling I got when I realized I was a lvl above my competition in CS. It's like guts becomming a better fighter after killing 100 men and comming out of it half dead.

I can't stress enough how valuable this whole experience was for me...The 1st 6 months of my poker career making 5-6k a month to losing my entire bankroll and grinding low stakes for the next 6 months...deliberating over whether to cashout for living expenses or build up bankroll to move up the next month was no fun...The Beijing trip really magnified that entire situation...money became something else for me completely. For the first time ever I realized that my poker decision makings were greatly affected by pressure. Being down $1k a day really started to hurt more than ever.

I arrived home on the last day of February. took no break, setup my workstation the following day and got straight to it. Pulled off my biggest month since setting foot in Beijing back in August. I did so by starting to grind at the $30s to warm up. The figures aren't impressive at all compared to what I used to make but I will forever look at this past month as my greatest achievements. I jus want to say that I couldn't have done any of this without the support I got from my friends. The ones in China and the ones back home...no matter what I go through I often remind myself that I am real lucky to have the realest friends watching my back at all times. When my own family lost faith on me you guys were there and instilled confidence back into me.

REBUILD is 2012 for me. Nothing flashy, imma be lowkey, grind myself back to where I was a year ago. I know this whole experience made me a better, stronger person and I gotta prove it now.

WILL IS TOO STRONG

BEIJING PART 2

I don't feel like writing about what happened after part 1 anymore...as I look back, it's pretty meaningless. In short, I was scammed sorta for 3200 RMB by the realtor ppl....they made some threats and i honestly felt like jus settling so i can start doing wat im supposed to b doing.

I move in the new place, start pokering right away with about 1500 in my roll back in September...Soon I get raped by variance, BR dropped to as low as $400 and I played below $20 for the 1st time in 2 years. writing this shit makes me sad already but there's more...I manage to break even for september on Stars, at this point I was seriously considering getting staked and finally decided to do it thanks to robert and primo...fast forward to present, I am officially on my worst downswing ever...50 BIs under....I remember kkenkk said he had a -80 earlier this year and i remember seeing his graph on 2p2....-50 already feel soul crushing so i can't imagine what he went through...

i've been spoiled lately by just about everyone around me, ppl all trying to make me feel better...truth is i can't and i know this will go on til things turn around in poker...ever since I got here, its like poker put a curse on me...I admit though, other than poker every thing else is just fine...I'm used to not spewing $, in all honesty I got scammed again when alex came but I would also like to put that in the past....other than those 2 incidents, i've been very careful with money...the only purchase I made this month was confucius dialects in english/chinese at the bookstore nearby...hoping this shit will make me smarter and instil some kinda confidence in me again...

I have no choice but to keep going, this seriously feel like the end of th world...call me exageratting, ya'll can jus say "it's just money" but you won't understand it...CJ said earlier this shit's like the butterfly effect or soemthing...as much as i hate to admit...all this shit's related to motherfkn full tilt poker going down....back in april before this shit happened we were talking about everything with optimism...at times we both felt bored and jus wanted to do shit but we were both raking in considerable $ at the time...business was good and there were enough thtings to keep me busy...

so u see now, it's not just about the money, recently i ge tthe urge to go on a violent outbreak, i almost broke my coffee table in half the other day...i fkn hate full tilt for screwing my life over for the past 5 months...I thought i could recover but a string of events turned everything for the worst and I've suffered enough...

Friend of a friend helped me find a tutoring job, hopefully this will distract me a bit while i figure out jus WTF is going on...jus now i busted on the bubble of a mtt QQ < AQ....this downswing is almost at 2k games now....I hope my next entry would be something of a celebration.

BEIJING PART 1

It's been more than a week since I arrived@Beijing...My trip a year ago was different in many ways, i was on vacation, everything felt new to me, i had a blast and the entire trip changed me in many ways. I felt more motivated and questioned hard what I was doing the whole time in Canada. Thoughts lead to action and after returning to Canada, I immediately quit my job and started full timing poker...

Fast forward to the present, in all honesty I almost had to cancel this trip and had doubts many times leading up to Beijing. Back of my mind I constantly worried about poker's time running out eventually, losing my entire bankroll at the time also was worrying...I practically had to use my emergency funds to start a new roll and at the same time grind out $4k profit in 1 and 1/2 month for Beijing expenses. Once again, stress was built ontop of stress...miraculously, I took shots and hit my target, cashed out and Western U'd every cent I made and hopped on a plane...

Things refused to go smooth for me, for one, Me n CJ overlooked the fact that finding a 1 bedroom apartment is a difficult thing in center BJ...and the $2500 RMB/month rent we researched last year was bullshit...the ones we looked at averaged at about $3500/month and all of them required payment of 6 months advance...

I arrived at 3pm on my first day, checked into my hotel and went to a place for peking duck, then right away started looking for apartments through realtors on the streets. My 1st night in BJ = right to business, we scouted 2 places that night, walked blocks because it's impossible to drive around without wasting time parking. day 2 = realtors bringing us to see more places, bullshitting us along the way, using whatever tricks to scam us (my i.d was asked for whatever reason I no longer remember which required my passport...this was clearly a big mistake)As we looked more, we realized that the acceptable ones all cost over $3500 and bargaining was pretty much useless because rentors were even paying EXTRA to get their hands on these places...However by the time I figured this out I lost 2 places which were really baller to other bidders...one of which was super sick, nicely located/renovated and located right between CJ and a subway station.

day 3....things start to get shitty, after an exhausting day 2 (walking all day, looking at 8 different places) I lowered my standards abit and we both decided to seal a deal by end of the day...10 am, our 1st target...place was alright, kinda far but CJ pointed out that his instincts told him the landlord lady is bullshit and she lives too close...ELIMINATION. NOON, we call the realtor who showed us the baller apartment last night at 10pm to negotiate price but was told that it was sold...WTFFFF, that was a huge blow and silence surrounded us for the rest of the afternoon. We went even further, trying out different realtors and found a branch where 2 dudes in their early 20s were cool enough to let us use their computers and find places directly using their PRICELESS INFORMATION. That was a fkn BREAKTHROUGH because we had on our hands what we needed...information on all available 1 bedroom apartments in west beijing...SICK...

However, at this point in my story I was about to make my 1st big mistake in Beijing...these 2 dudes started bringing us to places we were interested in, 1st 2 were bullshit, 3rd one was good, only drawback was it lacked air conditioner but we were willing to buy one myself if the landlord can pay half and they get to keep it when I leave...The landlord asked me a few questions, but we had to step out because someone was there before us...we wait downstairs, 30 minutes go by, we start talking about CS and guns with the realtor dude, turns out he used to be in the military...SICK....then we get a phone call...it's the landlord and O MY...the previous people who entered 5 minutes before us took the place....WTF WTF...

We grew even more silent, found a place for dinner...CJ joked that this is not my year, from April-August, one thing ontop of another, I joked that I should just go back...We decided to have some alchohol to change my luck...by the time the bottle ran out, CJ got a phone call and an apartment we saw on the 2nd day became available again but the landlord requires 6 months upfront@3100. CJ told me the situation and I snap called with K high.

We rushed to the realtor dudes and prepared to set up a time for that night with the landlord to sign...At this point CJ reminded me the fact that We saw this same place on day 2 with a different company and signed a contract...We both agreed that we wanted to give the business to the current dudes, so we told them our situation and they straight up said it was fine, that these things happen all the time in their line of work and it's normal...we took their word...

6 months of rent = a lot of chairman maos (chinese 100s) It was late, dark, bank was closed...I had about 10k in an envelope in my hotel, $1k in my wallet, CJ had $3k in his wallet and more in his car. The plan was to find his car, count how much we had on hand, I go and start signing with the realtor/landlord, while CJ cabs back to the hotel to get my passport and cash. We were counting on the street, tired and stressed out. By the time I got to the realtor place and met the landlord, they gave me a bad piece of news: LANDLORD = NOT REAL LANDLORD, HE RENTED THE PLACE HIMSELF AND IS SUBLETTING...This is bad for me, since CJ have no experience in renting in Beijing, we both didn't like this piece of info...after deliberation, we decided to negotiate and finally accepted on the condition that I pay only the deposit and 1 month upfront...we spent 3 hours signing the fkn contract because the landlord is such a POS tard, i felt like punching his face...he is the purest example of a typical chinese citizen....THEY WANT EVERYTHING FROM U, greedy motherfker won't buldge a single bit...the default copy of the contract provided by the realtor used by millions of landlord/rentors is not good for him, he fkn had to change the wording so many times to finally get what he wanted.

hours pass, 11:30 pm...signing is complete, I pay him and we rush to the place to hand over the housekey...We get back to my hotel at 1am, and moved my shit to my new apartment...4th floor, no elevator, heavy ass suitcases, no lights, tired as fk...

next day, hectic as fk, I had the internet ppl over to set up internet, at the same time hired 2 cleaners to thoroughly clean the place while we watched over them. At the same time I find out the washer is not working...called the landlord who fkn gave me lame shit, at first refused to fix but finally came up with a very lame alternative, troublesome solution...the cleaners leave, we smoke on the couch, sign of relief...CJ suggested I count how much cash on hand I had left and see if the numbers are correct after hotel fees, rent and paying upfront for 1 years internet.......result = I ended up about 1kish short...we recounted a few times and added up shit again and again but still 1k short...I started recounting what happened on the previous hectic day and leaned towards dropping some in the cab because the jeans i wore that day had very shallow pockets...that was the most likely thing to have happened out of all the other possibilities.

We head out to buy stuff for my new place, bed stuff, appliances, etc...CJ's been just as if not more tired than me these past 3 days, after dropping those things off at home, we go for dinner and it start raining. Soon as we sat down, his mom called and she was stuck outside, couldn't get home. We stood up, CJ had to walk 30 minutes back to his car in the rain because there were no cabs at dinner hour (drivers refuse to take customers) I felt really bad at this point...he's been more tired than me in a lot of ways these past 3 days...he havnet been able to spend time with his mom whos been very fragile emotionally since his dad passed...I called him to make sure he was alright...For the first time that night since back in beijing I felt relief...I was hungry because we couldn't eat dinner, I called HMM and cabbed 40 minutes to her place at east end of beijing for dinner....my mood was starting to change as I looked forward to seeing her, I step out the cab infront of the GUCCI store near her place, light a ciggarette and my phone rings....literally seconds after getting off the cab....

TO BE CONTINUED.....