i've always thought that i'm the most self aware person. I can be lazy but those periods usually don't last longer than a day or two. For the past month I haven't made a dime from poker. For the past 2 weeks i've been waking up in the am, I cut down on bf4, grinded shorter hours, cut down tables and tried whatever I could to make things better.
Last night I even played a few hours of cs just as a line check to see if my confidence is really damaged to the point of no return. Stars really screwed me over, I swear no matter how tempting their traffic is, I don't want to return there in the near future. my 120 bi downswing from a year ago was on stars, and although my current downswing took place mmostly on ftp, I felt something really cynical and disgusting after loading money there 3 weeks ago. I loaded up tables continuously, playing 5-6 at a time at the 30s cuz action was ridiculously good. It was so good I considered using a piss bottle so I don't have to use the washroom.
Pokerstars raised some really stupid questions, I started to believe that the game can no longer be beaten, I started to believe that the RNG was truly rigged to favor the russians. I started to believe my femto avatar had something to do with me being card dead.
I need to push through, until I start crushing again I won't be confident, and if i'm not confident, I would never be able to take a break. I flat out told hiromi over the phone, that in the future when I'm married I would hand over finances to her. I fkn suck at managing money, it's the truth, i've always been like that since I was a kid, and after 27 years nothing has changed.
I had a discussion about materialism with john coroza the other day, I defended myself and ultimately convinced him that I am not a materialistic person compared to most people. I measure myself and others in terms of ability to crush, rape at whatever it is we do in life. The only type of ppl I absolutely can't stand are people who don't work for what they have and talk shit, act cocky, or the type that sit around and do nothing, those that lurk and observe, passing judgement, too fake, too dishonest, too scared to fail.
fail to succed, grind to succed. i was born with an automatic understanding of the game, i crushed in cs, i will crush in poker, my competitive mindset will not die out anytime soon, i have an addiction to hardship, CJ said it the best, my life is like playing an old school 8 bit tactical rpg in the highest difficulty.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
oxymoron pt 2
walking that thin line between loyalty and treason
facing these obstacles like its a head on collision
emptiness redefined, the rest of the world frozen in time
those by my side never see my vision
my biggest supporter shift through the seasons
i wanted to bake with you from the ground
you settled on shortcuts, stealing crumbs
i can never win, a hentai demon seeking innocence
all i induce are grins, sins, nothing heaven sent
I wish you got to the bottom of things instead of games with me
a black and white, colour blind panda, you did not see in me
I put my hands together, and pray for my frenemies
how long will this last, before we lose our sanities?
made it to the enlightened stage of my 20s
faded, swimming in a pool of liquor like a drunk pisces
you laugh at my loses, while I compete top tier
your best success is forever my worst failure
facing these obstacles like its a head on collision
emptiness redefined, the rest of the world frozen in time
those by my side never see my vision
my biggest supporter shift through the seasons
i wanted to bake with you from the ground
you settled on shortcuts, stealing crumbs
i can never win, a hentai demon seeking innocence
all i induce are grins, sins, nothing heaven sent
I wish you got to the bottom of things instead of games with me
a black and white, colour blind panda, you did not see in me
I put my hands together, and pray for my frenemies
how long will this last, before we lose our sanities?
made it to the enlightened stage of my 20s
faded, swimming in a pool of liquor like a drunk pisces
you laugh at my loses, while I compete top tier
your best success is forever my worst failure
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
heart of the grind
I would start off by saying this: I continue to amaze and surprise myself. The months that led up to November were depressing but so what? I came back so strong, 2 years and counting I still grind hard and my mental stamina is still improving.
SECOND CUP CHAPTER
November was a very mediocre month for me, I remember the day FTP came back I lost 1k in almost 1 hour while my friend watched me play. I was overly ambitious then, jumped into 200s and played semi-scared. By end of December I made a decision that would change the course of my career thus far. CJ suggested that I grind at Starbucks/KFC when I was in Beijing. I thought the idea was meh, if anything it was slightly -EV cuz I wasn't sure about office ladies in skirts distracting me or what to do if someone gives me shit (strict gambling law)
I bought a cheap 17" laptop on boxing day ($400 after taxes LOL), received it and headed to the second cup a walk away from my house, I didn't even bring a mouse, used laptop mouse and 4 tabled 5 hours, made $800. I remembered it so clearly, I wasn't necessarily playing better and was fully aware of the upswing I experienced.
January I broke my old record, and if I make more than $800 tomorrow I will repeat the same result for February. I feel so focused, $$ on my mind, sipping on green tea and bluffing niggaz while babygurls stare at my screen and ask "ARE YOU THE PANDA"?
I want to keep this up, it's been 2 weeks straight since I had my last cigarette, I don't feel the need to take long breaks in between sessions anymore, just washroom breaks and a 5 minute breakdance video is good enough. January I drank everyday 3 weeks straight, rum, soju, beer...I thought it was helping but this past week I haven't had a single drink.
I'm once again proving to myself that I don't need these things, stress would always be there, how I deal with it is up to me but why ruin my health, my body?
I am making a full comeback, keeping in mind the mistakes I made these past 2 years. FAST 5 DAYS STRAIGHT TO MEDICATE, BUILD HUNGER, AND FOCUS ON THE DAYS AND TIMES THAT APPROACH US.
PANDA OUT
SECOND CUP CHAPTER
November was a very mediocre month for me, I remember the day FTP came back I lost 1k in almost 1 hour while my friend watched me play. I was overly ambitious then, jumped into 200s and played semi-scared. By end of December I made a decision that would change the course of my career thus far. CJ suggested that I grind at Starbucks/KFC when I was in Beijing. I thought the idea was meh, if anything it was slightly -EV cuz I wasn't sure about office ladies in skirts distracting me or what to do if someone gives me shit (strict gambling law)
I bought a cheap 17" laptop on boxing day ($400 after taxes LOL), received it and headed to the second cup a walk away from my house, I didn't even bring a mouse, used laptop mouse and 4 tabled 5 hours, made $800. I remembered it so clearly, I wasn't necessarily playing better and was fully aware of the upswing I experienced.
January I broke my old record, and if I make more than $800 tomorrow I will repeat the same result for February. I feel so focused, $$ on my mind, sipping on green tea and bluffing niggaz while babygurls stare at my screen and ask "ARE YOU THE PANDA"?
I want to keep this up, it's been 2 weeks straight since I had my last cigarette, I don't feel the need to take long breaks in between sessions anymore, just washroom breaks and a 5 minute breakdance video is good enough. January I drank everyday 3 weeks straight, rum, soju, beer...I thought it was helping but this past week I haven't had a single drink.
I'm once again proving to myself that I don't need these things, stress would always be there, how I deal with it is up to me but why ruin my health, my body?
I am making a full comeback, keeping in mind the mistakes I made these past 2 years. FAST 5 DAYS STRAIGHT TO MEDICATE, BUILD HUNGER, AND FOCUS ON THE DAYS AND TIMES THAT APPROACH US.
PANDA OUT
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
oxymoron
promises that i keep, the tears that you weep
promises I kept, hello kitty never looked so filthy
plenty of ambition, small goals, lost in a big city
malicious intents, snakes that slither, a flesh wound withers
your face so pretty, a distant memory
your face ever ready, my blast radius
iron sights no laser, that's my reflex
scrub you hard, my whites sticky like semtex
same day booty call, express fedex
i hate your lack of passion
i hate you with a passion
i blamed her for being hostile, you for being docile
so much friction, my pants need a heatsink
not enough attention, wrapped in plastic, sealed with your scent
i fucked you with wisdom, after her vocal chords gave me rhythm
you need pain, and i just need a reason
when you bleed, it's blooming season
promises I kept, hello kitty never looked so filthy
plenty of ambition, small goals, lost in a big city
malicious intents, snakes that slither, a flesh wound withers
your face so pretty, a distant memory
your face ever ready, my blast radius
iron sights no laser, that's my reflex
scrub you hard, my whites sticky like semtex
same day booty call, express fedex
i hate your lack of passion
i hate you with a passion
i blamed her for being hostile, you for being docile
so much friction, my pants need a heatsink
not enough attention, wrapped in plastic, sealed with your scent
i fucked you with wisdom, after her vocal chords gave me rhythm
you need pain, and i just need a reason
when you bleed, it's blooming season
Sunday, November 4, 2012
robbyallen's tribute to me lawl
john wang
he may be light, but his presence astounds
hoes are like interest, their attraction compounds
he busts on their faces and loses five pounds.
crown this raw nigga the greatest panda around
i'm not done with these bamboo jewels
he's a gemini, he was born on the banks of the passion pools.
a confucius panda trained him from birth.
he drank the water but he still has the thirst.
he does his thing while hoes drink his juice.
he's a fly canadian but he aint no goose
he may be light, but his presence astounds
hoes are like interest, their attraction compounds
he busts on their faces and loses five pounds.
crown this raw nigga the greatest panda around
i'm not done with these bamboo jewels
he's a gemini, he was born on the banks of the passion pools.
a confucius panda trained him from birth.
he drank the water but he still has the thirst.
he does his thing while hoes drink his juice.
he's a fly canadian but he aint no goose
Monday, October 22, 2012
ranting
What I'm going thru right now is sick like diesel inside my veins, I get hit hardest at the harshest times, at the most critical moments when all critics have their eyes on me. I feel like everyone's watching, I'm getting paranoid, trying to keep track of EV in everything I do related/unrelated to grinding.
CJ recited me a horoscope piece where the author used one trait to describe what each horoscope depend on to get by. Cancer's was obviously family, Gemini = courage. I'm already over the fact that poker dictates how my mood is, it's been like this for me forever. Distractions help but at the end of the day, all that's left between me and the brutal downswings is myself.
-60 bi last September, almost busted my roll at a time when money was needed the most. -100bi in the past 2k games right now on stars. For a while now I've been grinding to cover monthly expense of $2k with a bankroll below $1k. I did it with success but as I make out the finish line I'm running out of steam. -100 is no fkn joke. It fkn hurts. Full tilt back on Nov 6th, my dick's not even hard.
I can handle the pain, problem is the mistake I made of involving too many people into my venture. It really goes against why I decided to pursue this shit in the first place. I promise I won't talk about this shit with anyone who doesn't have a fkn clue about poker from now. Most of you will never understand, and it's only because you've NEVER taken on anything like this in your life. When you decide to offer your advice next time, please think it thru first. Your problem solving skills that are efficient for your boring 9-5 is nowhere near sufficient to connect these dots. There are so many factors, variables in what I'm dealing with, this ain't connect 5, compared to what you do I might as well be mapping out the universe.
I will push through, but after all this, after I get back on my feet, I'm not carrying anyone anymore. I'mma be the selfish bastard like I set out to be, it's just me and my grind, not involving anyone else in this. R.A.W forever.
As a kid I killed two adults, I’m too advanced
I lived my 20's at two years old, the wiser man
Truth be told, I’m like '86
Wicked as 80 reverends in a pool of fire with devils holding hands
From the distance, don’t know which one is a Christian.. damn
Who can I trust in 2012? There’s no one not even myself
A Gemini screaming for help, somebody
PANDA HIBERNATION
CJ recited me a horoscope piece where the author used one trait to describe what each horoscope depend on to get by. Cancer's was obviously family, Gemini = courage. I'm already over the fact that poker dictates how my mood is, it's been like this for me forever. Distractions help but at the end of the day, all that's left between me and the brutal downswings is myself.
-60 bi last September, almost busted my roll at a time when money was needed the most. -100bi in the past 2k games right now on stars. For a while now I've been grinding to cover monthly expense of $2k with a bankroll below $1k. I did it with success but as I make out the finish line I'm running out of steam. -100 is no fkn joke. It fkn hurts. Full tilt back on Nov 6th, my dick's not even hard.
I can handle the pain, problem is the mistake I made of involving too many people into my venture. It really goes against why I decided to pursue this shit in the first place. I promise I won't talk about this shit with anyone who doesn't have a fkn clue about poker from now. Most of you will never understand, and it's only because you've NEVER taken on anything like this in your life. When you decide to offer your advice next time, please think it thru first. Your problem solving skills that are efficient for your boring 9-5 is nowhere near sufficient to connect these dots. There are so many factors, variables in what I'm dealing with, this ain't connect 5, compared to what you do I might as well be mapping out the universe.
I will push through, but after all this, after I get back on my feet, I'm not carrying anyone anymore. I'mma be the selfish bastard like I set out to be, it's just me and my grind, not involving anyone else in this. R.A.W forever.
As a kid I killed two adults, I’m too advanced
I lived my 20's at two years old, the wiser man
Truth be told, I’m like '86
Wicked as 80 reverends in a pool of fire with devils holding hands
From the distance, don’t know which one is a Christian.. damn
Who can I trust in 2012? There’s no one not even myself
A Gemini screaming for help, somebody
PANDA HIBERNATION
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
CJF naomi47
asshole by nature
my bro, mild sevens in his glovebox for the ladies,
viet marlboros in the cupholder for the homeless
first time we spoke you spat out razors
didn't know your name but we already on different pages
years pass, we both grew, got our shit straight like a laser
but let's rewind a few years back, before the birth of sages
u bragged about everything there is to brag about
insecurity on your forehead, a clenched fist through your skin
i wish i coulda dragged you out that night, 20 feet stomping your brain
you had it comming, on second thought i'm glad i didn't
i woulda been in that cypher, curing you with pain
betrayal is the best medicine, near lethal dosage in the vein
but when that phone rang on the 13th all i wanted was to share your pain
you lost your father, 2011 may 13, one week straight toronto poured rain
what happened next was not meant for the sane
stress ontop of stress is like dying a slow death
you sounded like cancer, lifeless with your limbs chopped off,
but like a true cancer, those claws regen'd on your very last breath
my bro, mild sevens in his glovebox for the ladies,
viet marlboros in the cupholder for the homeless
first time we spoke you spat out razors
didn't know your name but we already on different pages
years pass, we both grew, got our shit straight like a laser
but let's rewind a few years back, before the birth of sages
u bragged about everything there is to brag about
insecurity on your forehead, a clenched fist through your skin
i wish i coulda dragged you out that night, 20 feet stomping your brain
you had it comming, on second thought i'm glad i didn't
i woulda been in that cypher, curing you with pain
betrayal is the best medicine, near lethal dosage in the vein
but when that phone rang on the 13th all i wanted was to share your pain
you lost your father, 2011 may 13, one week straight toronto poured rain
what happened next was not meant for the sane
stress ontop of stress is like dying a slow death
you sounded like cancer, lifeless with your limbs chopped off,
but like a true cancer, those claws regen'd on your very last breath
Friday, August 24, 2012
titty twisting buddha
on the porch,
resting, from grinding
blunt in hand
flexing my mind,
on how to add more to this bankroll
ways of making paper never gets old
when hunger fades, all i need is another dose
olympian mindset, i push doors open, spaces sacred
they lead me to new places,
spots i did not know they existed
masochistically moving forward, i perform better under pressure
the intention is clear, i walk into the unknown, this time without fear
inhale exhale, i wait for the smoke to clear
i make out my mirror reflection, out in the open
incense in hand, knees on concrete,
i look up, squinty eyes smile back at me
expressionless, i look away with humility
his palm opens, a lotus appears
the lust in my eyes, replaced by tranquility
my eyes turn from brown to blue, blue back to brown
the fatman opens his mouth in disbelief
my palm opens, a green leaf appears
cold wind blows, a green leaf flies out of my hand, it grows
a bamboo appears
i climb 10 feet, walk down a branch on my two feet
i look up, smile, reach out and twist
inhale exhale, i wait for the smoke to clear
i make out my mirror reflection, legs crossed sitting against a bamboo
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
is this a trick?
you had the presence of a goddess,
first time i saw you girl
you returned my passion to its sources
i might've stared too hard
but my intentions pure,
diciplined intellectual beauty, i observe from far
one look at you, it healed my scars,
don't worry about no dimes,
you'll forever be my optimus prime
i ain't no magician, this ain't a trick
dudes be sugarcoating, then they strip you for the filling
i be the bamboo leaf, wrap you with patience
impart my scent, call it panda fusion
never go through motions, there is no confusion,
i spit that confucian, for your mind to listen
not cocky, this is just an honest expression
Thursday, July 19, 2012
same branch
I notice lately my blog's content drifts away from poker and into random subjects. I've gone off track, I forgot the original purpose. This is just temporary, I will be back on track and write more poker relevant entries. It's just that I really have nothing worth reporting in terms of poker results, progress.
I will definitely end this blog soon on a high note. I will mentally elevate and stay levitated when the saga finally ends and I feel that day may be arriving very soon.
My bros giving me strength. Paape said we heal each other, my blood test is back and I am 100%. His knee will be fine when he get his result. We both went to doctor on same day, I got good news, and he's gonna get his, no other way, that's how it'll be, cuz we same branch.
Will I slay the dragon? I no longer care because Paape asked me what my initial instincts were and if I still trust them. He reminds me that whatever happens, it's what I get out of this whole thing that's worth gold. We gonna get BIG, I will never settle for anything less in said category.
I got off phone with CJ, he's been concerned about me losing motivation since I came back to Canada. I could tell from his voice. I ask him if he still believe in me, that if I told him this is only temporary and I would be back in the game stronger than ever he'd put all his faith in me. He told me he's not worried, he said that even though I spewed money in the past and got myself in my current situation, I've always liked nice things and always knew how to get it since back in the days writing essays for ESL kids for $50/ . it's sick to hear those words from someone who always criticized my spending habits.
It's GRIND TIME, sorry i'm so fkn bipolar phil galfond, I respect your blog but happiness can wait and I will sacrifice anything for EV atm. I'll read that shit again when I have a comfortable balance in my bank account, poker bankroll, nice whip and email full of condo prices.
I will definitely end this blog soon on a high note. I will mentally elevate and stay levitated when the saga finally ends and I feel that day may be arriving very soon.
My bros giving me strength. Paape said we heal each other, my blood test is back and I am 100%. His knee will be fine when he get his result. We both went to doctor on same day, I got good news, and he's gonna get his, no other way, that's how it'll be, cuz we same branch.
Will I slay the dragon? I no longer care because Paape asked me what my initial instincts were and if I still trust them. He reminds me that whatever happens, it's what I get out of this whole thing that's worth gold. We gonna get BIG, I will never settle for anything less in said category.
I got off phone with CJ, he's been concerned about me losing motivation since I came back to Canada. I could tell from his voice. I ask him if he still believe in me, that if I told him this is only temporary and I would be back in the game stronger than ever he'd put all his faith in me. He told me he's not worried, he said that even though I spewed money in the past and got myself in my current situation, I've always liked nice things and always knew how to get it since back in the days writing essays for ESL kids for $50/ . it's sick to hear those words from someone who always criticized my spending habits.
It's GRIND TIME, sorry i'm so fkn bipolar phil galfond, I respect your blog but happiness can wait and I will sacrifice anything for EV atm. I'll read that shit again when I have a comfortable balance in my bank account, poker bankroll, nice whip and email full of condo prices.
Monday, July 2, 2012
how wisdom creates itself
I've been going at it none stop past couple days. stupid nurse at the doctors office didn't know what she was doing, my arm been in pain past 2 weeks, at first it came from a single point but eventually it spread and my entire arm started feeling numb.
So for 2 weeks I couldn't go do break dance or practice. I woke up this morning, was supposed to take day off like I usually do first day of the month. But I said what the hell, do I really need to rest? Plus, by some miracle the pain completely went away.
I predicted rebuilding would take up all summer, I'm paying for all the shit I did/didn't do in beijing. Come september im gonna hit the reset button, and pull myself back on track where I was. Am I stressed out? probably. but do I ever for a second doubted getting back to where i was? hell no.
i'm spilling random thoughts, i'll try to tie it all together by the end of this entry...past 2 days I been grinding with paape, something we stopped doing for a while...we started this thing lately where we would write rhymes back n forth...what I learnt from all this is this: I need this nigga by my side, if not physically, I need his presence in some form. If you think it's gay you can do yourself favor and stop reading.
I write rhymes, but my best ones are from the times we write together, while we grind, send songs, and bullshit. My best poker months came from a period where constant motivation, communication between us was not just a must, it was the air we breathed. out of all the regs, our 4man results were the best and that's hard statistical results. I stopped working out for almost a year, parents, friends all tell me to exercise more but I don't listen. Paape calls me and goes "john, i want you to start taking breakdance classes" and boom I do it right away.
We believe in each other, not blindly, when I tell him my thoughts, goals, no matter how unrealistic, "DO IT" is what I get from him. it's not fake either, basis is we both competitive and passionate and we both involved in something that's literally the purest form of hustle. decisions we make on a minute-minute basis is what determine profit. dude just placed 2nd,3rd mtts back to back in past 2 days. I'm feeding off him, i was walking down to the store to buy cigarettes and all I saw was dollar signs literally like it's the 1st of the month.
My life did a 180 recently, too much shit happened in such short notice. I couldn't accept them all at once but what choice do i have? I've been living under such double standard hypocrisy bullshit almost my entire life. the greatest joy in life was from the years I was out on my own. I've always fantasized revenge and the satisfaction I would get but I'm afraid that might never come anymore.
it's all good, because this is what i'm all about...I excel at times like this because it's so raw and simple. desire, discipline, dedication is all i need. I have a goal, a target to reach and a certain amount of time to get there, all that's in the way is not being my own enemy along the way.
i took a shit jus now and it felt awesome, i flushed down all the bullshit ideas incepted in my brain this past year, all the negativity i was fed. i don't need other ppl's opinions, especially on this matter...especially when most of these opinions are from ppl of inferior intellect.
some ppl want a challenge in life, some want to play it safe, its cool and i respect both. but don't be a hypocrite, don't tell me to play it safe when you gambled with your future when you were at my age. it paid off didn't it?
been listening to a lot of curren$y lately...dude's awesome, love how he's rapping about his life. his story is awesome, dude sold music for free and drives a Ferrari out of sheer discipline and talent. I saw the video of him driving it for first time and the excitement in him when he said "i don even have a bed to sleep in and i got myself a Ferrari" HAHAHA awesome.
this shit never gets old, call it mashochism or watever, but at least at the end of it i know i'll either be way up in sky or way down bottom of ocean.
So for 2 weeks I couldn't go do break dance or practice. I woke up this morning, was supposed to take day off like I usually do first day of the month. But I said what the hell, do I really need to rest? Plus, by some miracle the pain completely went away.
I predicted rebuilding would take up all summer, I'm paying for all the shit I did/didn't do in beijing. Come september im gonna hit the reset button, and pull myself back on track where I was. Am I stressed out? probably. but do I ever for a second doubted getting back to where i was? hell no.
i'm spilling random thoughts, i'll try to tie it all together by the end of this entry...past 2 days I been grinding with paape, something we stopped doing for a while...we started this thing lately where we would write rhymes back n forth...what I learnt from all this is this: I need this nigga by my side, if not physically, I need his presence in some form. If you think it's gay you can do yourself favor and stop reading.
I write rhymes, but my best ones are from the times we write together, while we grind, send songs, and bullshit. My best poker months came from a period where constant motivation, communication between us was not just a must, it was the air we breathed. out of all the regs, our 4man results were the best and that's hard statistical results. I stopped working out for almost a year, parents, friends all tell me to exercise more but I don't listen. Paape calls me and goes "john, i want you to start taking breakdance classes" and boom I do it right away.
We believe in each other, not blindly, when I tell him my thoughts, goals, no matter how unrealistic, "DO IT" is what I get from him. it's not fake either, basis is we both competitive and passionate and we both involved in something that's literally the purest form of hustle. decisions we make on a minute-minute basis is what determine profit. dude just placed 2nd,3rd mtts back to back in past 2 days. I'm feeding off him, i was walking down to the store to buy cigarettes and all I saw was dollar signs literally like it's the 1st of the month.
My life did a 180 recently, too much shit happened in such short notice. I couldn't accept them all at once but what choice do i have? I've been living under such double standard hypocrisy bullshit almost my entire life. the greatest joy in life was from the years I was out on my own. I've always fantasized revenge and the satisfaction I would get but I'm afraid that might never come anymore.
it's all good, because this is what i'm all about...I excel at times like this because it's so raw and simple. desire, discipline, dedication is all i need. I have a goal, a target to reach and a certain amount of time to get there, all that's in the way is not being my own enemy along the way.
i took a shit jus now and it felt awesome, i flushed down all the bullshit ideas incepted in my brain this past year, all the negativity i was fed. i don't need other ppl's opinions, especially on this matter...especially when most of these opinions are from ppl of inferior intellect.
some ppl want a challenge in life, some want to play it safe, its cool and i respect both. but don't be a hypocrite, don't tell me to play it safe when you gambled with your future when you were at my age. it paid off didn't it?
been listening to a lot of curren$y lately...dude's awesome, love how he's rapping about his life. his story is awesome, dude sold music for free and drives a Ferrari out of sheer discipline and talent. I saw the video of him driving it for first time and the excitement in him when he said "i don even have a bed to sleep in and i got myself a Ferrari" HAHAHA awesome.
this shit never gets old, call it mashochism or watever, but at least at the end of it i know i'll either be way up in sky or way down bottom of ocean.
blood related or not, you cross that thin line when you get in the way of my hustle, this is not the first time, think wisely before you give me any additional stress.
Friday, June 22, 2012
gg
我没事了，我其实知道不会有事，希望你也是。
电话上就跟你说清楚了，不是责怪你，我看待事情永远是理智，黑白的，你应该知道，你不想想我是干什么的。其实所有的一切有一个开始，我承认是我的错。从一开始我一直在装傻，而你在装聪明。一次又一次我没有揭穿你撒的小谎，想一想你比我小那么多，况且我从第一天起就发现你自卑，不懂装懂，懂的时候又不敢去证明你自己。
你撒谎就撒的漂亮些，我真的有时候懒得揭穿你。我不是个孩子了，以前我很傻比的总是喜欢揭穿别人。越是爱面子的人越是喜欢去揭穿。从一开始我把你当自己人，从一开始你就没说过实话，第一次见你我一眼就看出了，我哥们儿没说错，毕竟是他先见你真人。你蠢就罢了，这次你让我感觉我TMD跟你一样蠢。
为了你我甚至多次跟陈洁凡吵到爆发。 我再重复一次，我气不是应为责怪你，电话上说的很清楚。我气的是你不长记性，像上次WESTERN UNION一样你这次又TMD骗我。你侮辱我的智商不止一次，后果你又不是不知道，我到今天还是不怎么相信上次WU的事情。无所谓了，应为我连你撒谎的目的都摸不清楚。这次我都能想象发生了什么。为了你满半拍的脑袋，我重复的告诉你你应该去做什么。你TMD当时说你明白，第二天就跟个SB一样，完全忘了我跟你说的什么。你以为我有何目的？？你TMD从你那群白痴朋友的嘴里又听到了什么？我知道你脑袋一直是空白的，但你不至于真的觉得我有目的要去侮辱你,指责你？
真的怪我，我犯贱了当时。我也骗了你，其实当时你跟我说那天晚上你拉着我手睡着是你最幸福的时刻我心很凉。应为那时刻也是我决定我们两个不可能的时候， 我不喜欢笨女人。后来第二天你刚上车走人，我就准备台词跟你说GG。一星期后我犯贱，我去找你，最终那晚你又来到我家。 后来我接受了这很被动的感情。没想到就像歌词一样，不可靠。
我不恨你，你就是蠢，希望你好好的。
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
bamboo scrolls
ive been part of the elite, tip of the arrow,
doubters clouded my vision, don't blame em,
was never supposed to be a sprint,
I pull myself back to the marathon
work hard get paid, im ending this lame phase
was trapped in a nightmare
now i live the same dream with a vengeance
was starved for 10 months,
big macs, sipped cig ashes from a coke can
now i got my bros, we cut from same bamboo branch
26, looking 17, too much wisdom i can't stop shitting jewels
fk the snake shit, dragons don't slither
rooted deep, the real don't wither
these struggles won't be forgotten,
if i fail, my ideas live on,
you claim you hustle
but that shit's played out
im onto bigger things, bigger dreams,
I'm the club and machete
you the fish and the meat
i might still complain from time to time, in all honesty im just glad i don't have to punch a clock no more. poker still pays, i gotta keep investing the time, the passion like i was. keep motivating each other, bitches feed off evil, we feed off success. I carve these words on bamboo scrolls like calligraphy.
[peace out]
we stay winning, this week has been a bad massage, I need a happy ending and a new beginning
doubters clouded my vision, don't blame em,
was never supposed to be a sprint,
I pull myself back to the marathon
work hard get paid, im ending this lame phase
was trapped in a nightmare
now i live the same dream with a vengeance
was starved for 10 months,
big macs, sipped cig ashes from a coke can
now i got my bros, we cut from same bamboo branch
26, looking 17, too much wisdom i can't stop shitting jewels
fk the snake shit, dragons don't slither
rooted deep, the real don't wither
these struggles won't be forgotten,
if i fail, my ideas live on,
you claim you hustle
but that shit's played out
im onto bigger things, bigger dreams,
I'm the club and machete
you the fish and the meat
i might still complain from time to time, in all honesty im just glad i don't have to punch a clock no more. poker still pays, i gotta keep investing the time, the passion like i was. keep motivating each other, bitches feed off evil, we feed off success. I carve these words on bamboo scrolls like calligraphy.
[peace out]
we stay winning, this week has been a bad massage, I need a happy ending and a new beginning
Monday, May 14, 2012
kohei
I don't know exactly what it was, but today I was reminded of you. It could be due to the smell of summer, that was when you disappeared...Diablo 3 is comming out tonight, that could be another reason, I still remember when I convinced you to play guild wars 2nd year of university.
Few times a year I would get reminded of you, google your name a few times, last year I asked my best friend's GF to search you up on japan's social network. She said she couldn't find you. Everyone said you went home after you graduated and never heard from you, our mutual friend promised me he would call your home in Japan but I never heard from him ever again. Another friend told me a year ago that you had some differences with the other japs at Trent after I left. Whatever it was, or whatever the reason you chose to disappear, I just want to say that you were supportive and helped me through the toughest times. I wish I could at least return the favor some day.
I jus realized that I don't even have a photo of you no more man. I don't think you were really understood by others while we were in school, at least I didn't fully get to know you til after 1st year. You were active as hell, social, well-liked by just about everyone, I spent more time chilling with you than with my girlfriend to the point she even got jealous. It was only when I begun my depression that I found out more personal things about you. I finally found out the reason you picked up breakdancing, why you would practice by yourself almost every day for up to 3 hours.
The last time I saw you, you came down to scarborough and I gave you a tour of my school, tried to even convince you to enroll so we can crush again. We practiced at the YMCA that day, you got noticeably better, I watched you practice for the 1st time in over a year and I could see clearly that you never stopped practicing, even after I left Trent. In between I remember us going to a battle at scarborough town center. You convinced me to join the cypher but I had no confidence at all. You didn't bring your shoes so you had to wear mine haha.
I think I told you I was gonna visit you once before you leave, but I never got to it...and before I knew it, you left without telling me and broke all contact with everyone...
I miss you man, you were a role model for me in many ways. You taught me discipline, persistence and most importantly you taught me the strength and power of being low-key and modest. You never talked much, but when you spoke people listened. I still remember when you scored the highest on the first test in year 1 calculus out of 300 ppl. I was so shocked, I thought you were just a slacker like me and that was when you gave me my first lesson on modesty.
I been listening to Dir en grey whole day, I was so into them back then. You would translate the lyrics for me haha, we tried to breakdance to agitated screams of maggots. I remember you telling me your fav song by them was "the final"
Few times a year I would get reminded of you, google your name a few times, last year I asked my best friend's GF to search you up on japan's social network. She said she couldn't find you. Everyone said you went home after you graduated and never heard from you, our mutual friend promised me he would call your home in Japan but I never heard from him ever again. Another friend told me a year ago that you had some differences with the other japs at Trent after I left. Whatever it was, or whatever the reason you chose to disappear, I just want to say that you were supportive and helped me through the toughest times. I wish I could at least return the favor some day.
I jus realized that I don't even have a photo of you no more man. I don't think you were really understood by others while we were in school, at least I didn't fully get to know you til after 1st year. You were active as hell, social, well-liked by just about everyone, I spent more time chilling with you than with my girlfriend to the point she even got jealous. It was only when I begun my depression that I found out more personal things about you. I finally found out the reason you picked up breakdancing, why you would practice by yourself almost every day for up to 3 hours.
The last time I saw you, you came down to scarborough and I gave you a tour of my school, tried to even convince you to enroll so we can crush again. We practiced at the YMCA that day, you got noticeably better, I watched you practice for the 1st time in over a year and I could see clearly that you never stopped practicing, even after I left Trent. In between I remember us going to a battle at scarborough town center. You convinced me to join the cypher but I had no confidence at all. You didn't bring your shoes so you had to wear mine haha.
I think I told you I was gonna visit you once before you leave, but I never got to it...and before I knew it, you left without telling me and broke all contact with everyone...
I miss you man, you were a role model for me in many ways. You taught me discipline, persistence and most importantly you taught me the strength and power of being low-key and modest. You never talked much, but when you spoke people listened. I still remember when you scored the highest on the first test in year 1 calculus out of 300 ppl. I was so shocked, I thought you were just a slacker like me and that was when you gave me my first lesson on modesty.
I been listening to Dir en grey whole day, I was so into them back then. You would translate the lyrics for me haha, we tried to breakdance to agitated screams of maggots. I remember you telling me your fav song by them was "the final"
the final
Gazing at unbound intentions...
I can't write characters with my left hand
When blood flows, there is a reason to live...
The words that I find are brilliant
Even if the person that I love
Magnificently scatters in my hand
Even if I carve the meaning of living into my hand
I'll become lifelessly beautiful
The Final
Even if it increases one at a time...
How can I become unsmiling bait?
I can't go back from this deep prison in my heart
I am a defeated person, whose self-torturing hasn't been
Touched by tomorrow
Saturday, April 7, 2012
words become realer with gained wisdom - cormega
Back after 6 months of living in Beijing. As I sit in the chair of my grindstation at the comfort of home, I count my blessings. At times i felt like giving up completely, nothing was going my way at all...from the moment i set foot in Beijing everything went wrong. I tried my best to make everything work out but in the end reality is harsh, when it doesn't work out it doesn't work out...nothing I could possibly do. Things don't always need an explanation, a series of events led to myself breaking down mentally and physically.
It was a tough choice to make but looking back if i delayed it further, I don't think I would've taken on the additional stress. a lot of it was just pride and being my own enemy I guess. My friends always told me to stop bitching and move forward but I couldn't...not when I get reminded the REASON why for the past year I woke up every morning like a zombie and frantically turned on my computer to check news. If 2012 really is supposed to be end of the world, mines started on April 2011.
Everything I built upon since I went pro crumbled and fell down on me, buried me deep under. Confidence, motivation, pride...Truth was myself including everyone else....nobody saw it coming. As the anniversary of Black Friday approaches, I recount everything that I've learnt during this time and the feeling I get is the same feeling after going through a 2k downswing...It feels awesome...It's like that same feeling I got when I realized I was a lvl above my competition in CS. It's like guts becomming a better fighter after killing 100 men and comming out of it half dead.
I can't stress enough how valuable this whole experience was for me...The 1st 6 months of my poker career making 5-6k a month to losing my entire bankroll and grinding low stakes for the next 6 months...deliberating over whether to cashout for living expenses or build up bankroll to move up the next month was no fun...The Beijing trip really magnified that entire situation...money became something else for me completely. For the first time ever I realized that my poker decision makings were greatly affected by pressure. Being down $1k a day really started to hurt more than ever.
I arrived home on the last day of February. took no break, setup my workstation the following day and got straight to it. Pulled off my biggest month since setting foot in Beijing back in August. I did so by starting to grind at the $30s to warm up. The figures aren't impressive at all compared to what I used to make but I will forever look at this past month as my greatest achievements. I jus want to say that I couldn't have done any of this without the support I got from my friends. The ones in China and the ones back home...no matter what I go through I often remind myself that I am real lucky to have the realest friends watching my back at all times. When my own family lost faith on me you guys were there and instilled confidence back into me.
REBUILD is 2012 for me. Nothing flashy, imma be lowkey, grind myself back to where I was a year ago. I know this whole experience made me a better, stronger person and I gotta prove it now.
WILL IS TOO STRONG
It was a tough choice to make but looking back if i delayed it further, I don't think I would've taken on the additional stress. a lot of it was just pride and being my own enemy I guess. My friends always told me to stop bitching and move forward but I couldn't...not when I get reminded the REASON why for the past year I woke up every morning like a zombie and frantically turned on my computer to check news. If 2012 really is supposed to be end of the world, mines started on April 2011.
Everything I built upon since I went pro crumbled and fell down on me, buried me deep under. Confidence, motivation, pride...Truth was myself including everyone else....nobody saw it coming. As the anniversary of Black Friday approaches, I recount everything that I've learnt during this time and the feeling I get is the same feeling after going through a 2k downswing...It feels awesome...It's like that same feeling I got when I realized I was a lvl above my competition in CS. It's like guts becomming a better fighter after killing 100 men and comming out of it half dead.
I can't stress enough how valuable this whole experience was for me...The 1st 6 months of my poker career making 5-6k a month to losing my entire bankroll and grinding low stakes for the next 6 months...deliberating over whether to cashout for living expenses or build up bankroll to move up the next month was no fun...The Beijing trip really magnified that entire situation...money became something else for me completely. For the first time ever I realized that my poker decision makings were greatly affected by pressure. Being down $1k a day really started to hurt more than ever.
I arrived home on the last day of February. took no break, setup my workstation the following day and got straight to it. Pulled off my biggest month since setting foot in Beijing back in August. I did so by starting to grind at the $30s to warm up. The figures aren't impressive at all compared to what I used to make but I will forever look at this past month as my greatest achievements. I jus want to say that I couldn't have done any of this without the support I got from my friends. The ones in China and the ones back home...no matter what I go through I often remind myself that I am real lucky to have the realest friends watching my back at all times. When my own family lost faith on me you guys were there and instilled confidence back into me.
REBUILD is 2012 for me. Nothing flashy, imma be lowkey, grind myself back to where I was a year ago. I know this whole experience made me a better, stronger person and I gotta prove it now.
WILL IS TOO STRONG
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
BEIJING PART 2
I don't feel like writing about what happened after part 1 anymore...as I look back, it's pretty meaningless. In short, I was scammed sorta for 3200 RMB by the realtor ppl....they made some threats and i honestly felt like jus settling so i can start doing wat im supposed to b doing.
I move in the new place, start pokering right away with about 1500 in my roll back in September...Soon I get raped by variance, BR dropped to as low as $400 and I played below $20 for the 1st time in 2 years. writing this shit makes me sad already but there's more...I manage to break even for september on Stars, at this point I was seriously considering getting staked and finally decided to do it thanks to robert and primo...fast forward to present, I am officially on my worst downswing ever...50 BIs under....I remember kkenkk said he had a -80 earlier this year and i remember seeing his graph on 2p2....-50 already feel soul crushing so i can't imagine what he went through...
i've been spoiled lately by just about everyone around me, ppl all trying to make me feel better...truth is i can't and i know this will go on til things turn around in poker...ever since I got here, its like poker put a curse on me...I admit though, other than poker every thing else is just fine...I'm used to not spewing $, in all honesty I got scammed again when alex came but I would also like to put that in the past....other than those 2 incidents, i've been very careful with money...the only purchase I made this month was confucius dialects in english/chinese at the bookstore nearby...hoping this shit will make me smarter and instil some kinda confidence in me again...
I have no choice but to keep going, this seriously feel like the end of th world...call me exageratting, ya'll can jus say "it's just money" but you won't understand it...CJ said earlier this shit's like the butterfly effect or soemthing...as much as i hate to admit...all this shit's related to motherfkn full tilt poker going down....back in april before this shit happened we were talking about everything with optimism...at times we both felt bored and jus wanted to do shit but we were both raking in considerable $ at the time...business was good and there were enough thtings to keep me busy...
so u see now, it's not just about the money, recently i ge tthe urge to go on a violent outbreak, i almost broke my coffee table in half the other day...i fkn hate full tilt for screwing my life over for the past 5 months...I thought i could recover but a string of events turned everything for the worst and I've suffered enough...
Friend of a friend helped me find a tutoring job, hopefully this will distract me a bit while i figure out jus WTF is going on...jus now i busted on the bubble of a mtt QQ < AQ....this downswing is almost at 2k games now....I hope my next entry would be something of a celebration.
I move in the new place, start pokering right away with about 1500 in my roll back in September...Soon I get raped by variance, BR dropped to as low as $400 and I played below $20 for the 1st time in 2 years. writing this shit makes me sad already but there's more...I manage to break even for september on Stars, at this point I was seriously considering getting staked and finally decided to do it thanks to robert and primo...fast forward to present, I am officially on my worst downswing ever...50 BIs under....I remember kkenkk said he had a -80 earlier this year and i remember seeing his graph on 2p2....-50 already feel soul crushing so i can't imagine what he went through...
i've been spoiled lately by just about everyone around me, ppl all trying to make me feel better...truth is i can't and i know this will go on til things turn around in poker...ever since I got here, its like poker put a curse on me...I admit though, other than poker every thing else is just fine...I'm used to not spewing $, in all honesty I got scammed again when alex came but I would also like to put that in the past....other than those 2 incidents, i've been very careful with money...the only purchase I made this month was confucius dialects in english/chinese at the bookstore nearby...hoping this shit will make me smarter and instil some kinda confidence in me again...
I have no choice but to keep going, this seriously feel like the end of th world...call me exageratting, ya'll can jus say "it's just money" but you won't understand it...CJ said earlier this shit's like the butterfly effect or soemthing...as much as i hate to admit...all this shit's related to motherfkn full tilt poker going down....back in april before this shit happened we were talking about everything with optimism...at times we both felt bored and jus wanted to do shit but we were both raking in considerable $ at the time...business was good and there were enough thtings to keep me busy...
so u see now, it's not just about the money, recently i ge tthe urge to go on a violent outbreak, i almost broke my coffee table in half the other day...i fkn hate full tilt for screwing my life over for the past 5 months...I thought i could recover but a string of events turned everything for the worst and I've suffered enough...
Friend of a friend helped me find a tutoring job, hopefully this will distract me a bit while i figure out jus WTF is going on...jus now i busted on the bubble of a mtt QQ < AQ....this downswing is almost at 2k games now....I hope my next entry would be something of a celebration.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
BEIJING PART 1
It's been more than a week since I arrived@Beijing...My trip a year ago was different in many ways, i was on vacation, everything felt new to me, i had a blast and the entire trip changed me in many ways. I felt more motivated and questioned hard what I was doing the whole time in Canada. Thoughts lead to action and after returning to Canada, I immediately quit my job and started full timing poker...
Fast forward to the present, in all honesty I almost had to cancel this trip and had doubts many times leading up to Beijing. Back of my mind I constantly worried about poker's time running out eventually, losing my entire bankroll at the time also was worrying...I practically had to use my emergency funds to start a new roll and at the same time grind out $4k profit in 1 and 1/2 month for Beijing expenses. Once again, stress was built ontop of stress...miraculously, I took shots and hit my target, cashed out and Western U'd every cent I made and hopped on a plane...
Things refused to go smooth for me, for one, Me n CJ overlooked the fact that finding a 1 bedroom apartment is a difficult thing in center BJ...and the $2500 RMB/month rent we researched last year was bullshit...the ones we looked at averaged at about $3500/month and all of them required payment of 6 months advance...
I arrived at 3pm on my first day, checked into my hotel and went to a place for peking duck, then right away started looking for apartments through realtors on the streets. My 1st night in BJ = right to business, we scouted 2 places that night, walked blocks because it's impossible to drive around without wasting time parking. day 2 = realtors bringing us to see more places, bullshitting us along the way, using whatever tricks to scam us (my i.d was asked for whatever reason I no longer remember which required my passport...this was clearly a big mistake)As we looked more, we realized that the acceptable ones all cost over $3500 and bargaining was pretty much useless because rentors were even paying EXTRA to get their hands on these places...However by the time I figured this out I lost 2 places which were really baller to other bidders...one of which was super sick, nicely located/renovated and located right between CJ and a subway station.
day 3....things start to get shitty, after an exhausting day 2 (walking all day, looking at 8 different places) I lowered my standards abit and we both decided to seal a deal by end of the day...10 am, our 1st target...place was alright, kinda far but CJ pointed out that his instincts told him the landlord lady is bullshit and she lives too close...ELIMINATION. NOON, we call the realtor who showed us the baller apartment last night at 10pm to negotiate price but was told that it was sold...WTFFFF, that was a huge blow and silence surrounded us for the rest of the afternoon. We went even further, trying out different realtors and found a branch where 2 dudes in their early 20s were cool enough to let us use their computers and find places directly using their PRICELESS INFORMATION. That was a fkn BREAKTHROUGH because we had on our hands what we needed...information on all available 1 bedroom apartments in west beijing...SICK...
However, at this point in my story I was about to make my 1st big mistake in Beijing...these 2 dudes started bringing us to places we were interested in, 1st 2 were bullshit, 3rd one was good, only drawback was it lacked air conditioner but we were willing to buy one myself if the landlord can pay half and they get to keep it when I leave...The landlord asked me a few questions, but we had to step out because someone was there before us...we wait downstairs, 30 minutes go by, we start talking about CS and guns with the realtor dude, turns out he used to be in the military...SICK....then we get a phone call...it's the landlord and O MY...the previous people who entered 5 minutes before us took the place....WTF WTF...
We grew even more silent, found a place for dinner...CJ joked that this is not my year, from April-August, one thing ontop of another, I joked that I should just go back...We decided to have some alchohol to change my luck...by the time the bottle ran out, CJ got a phone call and an apartment we saw on the 2nd day became available again but the landlord requires 6 months upfront@3100. CJ told me the situation and I snap called with K high.
We rushed to the realtor dudes and prepared to set up a time for that night with the landlord to sign...At this point CJ reminded me the fact that We saw this same place on day 2 with a different company and signed a contract...We both agreed that we wanted to give the business to the current dudes, so we told them our situation and they straight up said it was fine, that these things happen all the time in their line of work and it's normal...we took their word...
6 months of rent = a lot of chairman maos (chinese 100s) It was late, dark, bank was closed...I had about 10k in an envelope in my hotel, $1k in my wallet, CJ had $3k in his wallet and more in his car. The plan was to find his car, count how much we had on hand, I go and start signing with the realtor/landlord, while CJ cabs back to the hotel to get my passport and cash. We were counting on the street, tired and stressed out. By the time I got to the realtor place and met the landlord, they gave me a bad piece of news: LANDLORD = NOT REAL LANDLORD, HE RENTED THE PLACE HIMSELF AND IS SUBLETTING...This is bad for me, since CJ have no experience in renting in Beijing, we both didn't like this piece of info...after deliberation, we decided to negotiate and finally accepted on the condition that I pay only the deposit and 1 month upfront...we spent 3 hours signing the fkn contract because the landlord is such a POS tard, i felt like punching his face...he is the purest example of a typical chinese citizen....THEY WANT EVERYTHING FROM U, greedy motherfker won't buldge a single bit...the default copy of the contract provided by the realtor used by millions of landlord/rentors is not good for him, he fkn had to change the wording so many times to finally get what he wanted.
hours pass, 11:30 pm...signing is complete, I pay him and we rush to the place to hand over the housekey...We get back to my hotel at 1am, and moved my shit to my new apartment...4th floor, no elevator, heavy ass suitcases, no lights, tired as fk...
next day, hectic as fk, I had the internet ppl over to set up internet, at the same time hired 2 cleaners to thoroughly clean the place while we watched over them. At the same time I find out the washer is not working...called the landlord who fkn gave me lame shit, at first refused to fix but finally came up with a very lame alternative, troublesome solution...the cleaners leave, we smoke on the couch, sign of relief...CJ suggested I count how much cash on hand I had left and see if the numbers are correct after hotel fees, rent and paying upfront for 1 years internet.......result = I ended up about 1kish short...we recounted a few times and added up shit again and again but still 1k short...I started recounting what happened on the previous hectic day and leaned towards dropping some in the cab because the jeans i wore that day had very shallow pockets...that was the most likely thing to have happened out of all the other possibilities.
We head out to buy stuff for my new place, bed stuff, appliances, etc...CJ's been just as if not more tired than me these past 3 days, after dropping those things off at home, we go for dinner and it start raining. Soon as we sat down, his mom called and she was stuck outside, couldn't get home. We stood up, CJ had to walk 30 minutes back to his car in the rain because there were no cabs at dinner hour (drivers refuse to take customers) I felt really bad at this point...he's been more tired than me in a lot of ways these past 3 days...he havnet been able to spend time with his mom whos been very fragile emotionally since his dad passed...I called him to make sure he was alright...For the first time that night since back in beijing I felt relief...I was hungry because we couldn't eat dinner, I called HMM and cabbed 40 minutes to her place at east end of beijing for dinner....my mood was starting to change as I looked forward to seeing her, I step out the cab infront of the GUCCI store near her place, light a ciggarette and my phone rings....literally seconds after getting off the cab....
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Fast forward to the present, in all honesty I almost had to cancel this trip and had doubts many times leading up to Beijing. Back of my mind I constantly worried about poker's time running out eventually, losing my entire bankroll at the time also was worrying...I practically had to use my emergency funds to start a new roll and at the same time grind out $4k profit in 1 and 1/2 month for Beijing expenses. Once again, stress was built ontop of stress...miraculously, I took shots and hit my target, cashed out and Western U'd every cent I made and hopped on a plane...
Things refused to go smooth for me, for one, Me n CJ overlooked the fact that finding a 1 bedroom apartment is a difficult thing in center BJ...and the $2500 RMB/month rent we researched last year was bullshit...the ones we looked at averaged at about $3500/month and all of them required payment of 6 months advance...
I arrived at 3pm on my first day, checked into my hotel and went to a place for peking duck, then right away started looking for apartments through realtors on the streets. My 1st night in BJ = right to business, we scouted 2 places that night, walked blocks because it's impossible to drive around without wasting time parking. day 2 = realtors bringing us to see more places, bullshitting us along the way, using whatever tricks to scam us (my i.d was asked for whatever reason I no longer remember which required my passport...this was clearly a big mistake)As we looked more, we realized that the acceptable ones all cost over $3500 and bargaining was pretty much useless because rentors were even paying EXTRA to get their hands on these places...However by the time I figured this out I lost 2 places which were really baller to other bidders...one of which was super sick, nicely located/renovated and located right between CJ and a subway station.
day 3....things start to get shitty, after an exhausting day 2 (walking all day, looking at 8 different places) I lowered my standards abit and we both decided to seal a deal by end of the day...10 am, our 1st target...place was alright, kinda far but CJ pointed out that his instincts told him the landlord lady is bullshit and she lives too close...ELIMINATION. NOON, we call the realtor who showed us the baller apartment last night at 10pm to negotiate price but was told that it was sold...WTFFFF, that was a huge blow and silence surrounded us for the rest of the afternoon. We went even further, trying out different realtors and found a branch where 2 dudes in their early 20s were cool enough to let us use their computers and find places directly using their PRICELESS INFORMATION. That was a fkn BREAKTHROUGH because we had on our hands what we needed...information on all available 1 bedroom apartments in west beijing...SICK...
However, at this point in my story I was about to make my 1st big mistake in Beijing...these 2 dudes started bringing us to places we were interested in, 1st 2 were bullshit, 3rd one was good, only drawback was it lacked air conditioner but we were willing to buy one myself if the landlord can pay half and they get to keep it when I leave...The landlord asked me a few questions, but we had to step out because someone was there before us...we wait downstairs, 30 minutes go by, we start talking about CS and guns with the realtor dude, turns out he used to be in the military...SICK....then we get a phone call...it's the landlord and O MY...the previous people who entered 5 minutes before us took the place....WTF WTF...
We grew even more silent, found a place for dinner...CJ joked that this is not my year, from April-August, one thing ontop of another, I joked that I should just go back...We decided to have some alchohol to change my luck...by the time the bottle ran out, CJ got a phone call and an apartment we saw on the 2nd day became available again but the landlord requires 6 months upfront@3100. CJ told me the situation and I snap called with K high.
We rushed to the realtor dudes and prepared to set up a time for that night with the landlord to sign...At this point CJ reminded me the fact that We saw this same place on day 2 with a different company and signed a contract...We both agreed that we wanted to give the business to the current dudes, so we told them our situation and they straight up said it was fine, that these things happen all the time in their line of work and it's normal...we took their word...
6 months of rent = a lot of chairman maos (chinese 100s) It was late, dark, bank was closed...I had about 10k in an envelope in my hotel, $1k in my wallet, CJ had $3k in his wallet and more in his car. The plan was to find his car, count how much we had on hand, I go and start signing with the realtor/landlord, while CJ cabs back to the hotel to get my passport and cash. We were counting on the street, tired and stressed out. By the time I got to the realtor place and met the landlord, they gave me a bad piece of news: LANDLORD = NOT REAL LANDLORD, HE RENTED THE PLACE HIMSELF AND IS SUBLETTING...This is bad for me, since CJ have no experience in renting in Beijing, we both didn't like this piece of info...after deliberation, we decided to negotiate and finally accepted on the condition that I pay only the deposit and 1 month upfront...we spent 3 hours signing the fkn contract because the landlord is such a POS tard, i felt like punching his face...he is the purest example of a typical chinese citizen....THEY WANT EVERYTHING FROM U, greedy motherfker won't buldge a single bit...the default copy of the contract provided by the realtor used by millions of landlord/rentors is not good for him, he fkn had to change the wording so many times to finally get what he wanted.
hours pass, 11:30 pm...signing is complete, I pay him and we rush to the place to hand over the housekey...We get back to my hotel at 1am, and moved my shit to my new apartment...4th floor, no elevator, heavy ass suitcases, no lights, tired as fk...
next day, hectic as fk, I had the internet ppl over to set up internet, at the same time hired 2 cleaners to thoroughly clean the place while we watched over them. At the same time I find out the washer is not working...called the landlord who fkn gave me lame shit, at first refused to fix but finally came up with a very lame alternative, troublesome solution...the cleaners leave, we smoke on the couch, sign of relief...CJ suggested I count how much cash on hand I had left and see if the numbers are correct after hotel fees, rent and paying upfront for 1 years internet.......result = I ended up about 1kish short...we recounted a few times and added up shit again and again but still 1k short...I started recounting what happened on the previous hectic day and leaned towards dropping some in the cab because the jeans i wore that day had very shallow pockets...that was the most likely thing to have happened out of all the other possibilities.
We head out to buy stuff for my new place, bed stuff, appliances, etc...CJ's been just as if not more tired than me these past 3 days, after dropping those things off at home, we go for dinner and it start raining. Soon as we sat down, his mom called and she was stuck outside, couldn't get home. We stood up, CJ had to walk 30 minutes back to his car in the rain because there were no cabs at dinner hour (drivers refuse to take customers) I felt really bad at this point...he's been more tired than me in a lot of ways these past 3 days...he havnet been able to spend time with his mom whos been very fragile emotionally since his dad passed...I called him to make sure he was alright...For the first time that night since back in beijing I felt relief...I was hungry because we couldn't eat dinner, I called HMM and cabbed 40 minutes to her place at east end of beijing for dinner....my mood was starting to change as I looked forward to seeing her, I step out the cab infront of the GUCCI store near her place, light a ciggarette and my phone rings....literally seconds after getting off the cab....
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Thursday, July 28, 2011
HOLY MOTHERFKING SHIT....
I just got off the phone with my friend in China who was supposed to receive a Western Union transaction from me at a local Beijing bank....I am so motherfkn pissed right I was literally yelling my lungs out....here's what I think about China, Chinese people and our 5000 years of wisdom accumulated and in the end...only to fkn create a society with no wisdom left, everyones a mtherfkn zombie working for a worthless paycheck....if one thing chinks are good at is EFFICIENCY, oh....another one.....PIRACY.
Chinks work hard, we crush our competitors globally till they start smashing our Mercedes, burn our shit, and put knives in our chests....well JEALOUSY IS A MOTHERFKER. The whole world has this jealousy going against China right now, don't deny it...We work 4x more hours, and get paid 10x less...YES, we're efficent at what we do...because the country raised chinks to grow up as zombies...see this is why there will never be a chinese nobel price winner, we'll never CREATE, we'll always COPY. YAO MING was either 1. a fluke 2. some sick government mutant experiment.
I hate it when people automatically assume ppl of asian decent=smart. it's so not fkn true, you can pull millions of chinese high school students out of their classrooms and they can recite entire text books...truth is though, they're fkn clueless and have no practical use in the real world...I've known quite a few very very intelligent ppl in my life, and none of them are chinese...in fact most of my chinese friends are pretty fkn retarded...other than snaking, living off they daddies, and being calculating bastards, most of em are pathetic...
other than our economy, we're devolving...that's the truth...we sacrifice ethics for paper...give in to greed and don give a shit about the ppl next to us...a heap of loose sand like that politician once said...I went back to beijing last year and saw maybe 1 or 2 decent looking girls out of the millions that passed my eyes in the month i was there...why u ask??? cuz its like this...the good looking ones marry ugly old dudes with lots of $$....then make ugly ass babies....ugly ass babies will repeat this process until finally....like chris tucker said "ALL YA'LL LOOK ALIKE"
I said we good at piracy....not exaggerating one bit either...heck we even based our government system on what the soviets used...I witnessed the annual military parade before leaving Beijing in late september/early october....dam that was a spectacle....anyone there could tell u that china's gonna take over the world eventually...but look closely and you'll see that our fighter jet designs = copied from russians, the soldiers carry ak-47 lookalikes, we don't have stealth bombers, or those cool american battlecruisers you see in movies because china can never pirate something as sophisticated as U.S technology....couple billion of ppl but not one scientist who can do it!! why??? because our scientists were all once highschool zombies.
hly shit....i was gonna blog about what happend w/ western union but completely went off...
LV??? GUCCY? FK THAT, WE COPY PIRATE MILITARY HARDWARE
TO BE CONTINUED....???
Chinks work hard, we crush our competitors globally till they start smashing our Mercedes, burn our shit, and put knives in our chests....well JEALOUSY IS A MOTHERFKER. The whole world has this jealousy going against China right now, don't deny it...We work 4x more hours, and get paid 10x less...YES, we're efficent at what we do...because the country raised chinks to grow up as zombies...see this is why there will never be a chinese nobel price winner, we'll never CREATE, we'll always COPY. YAO MING was either 1. a fluke 2. some sick government mutant experiment.
I hate it when people automatically assume ppl of asian decent=smart. it's so not fkn true, you can pull millions of chinese high school students out of their classrooms and they can recite entire text books...truth is though, they're fkn clueless and have no practical use in the real world...I've known quite a few very very intelligent ppl in my life, and none of them are chinese...in fact most of my chinese friends are pretty fkn retarded...other than snaking, living off they daddies, and being calculating bastards, most of em are pathetic...
other than our economy, we're devolving...that's the truth...we sacrifice ethics for paper...give in to greed and don give a shit about the ppl next to us...a heap of loose sand like that politician once said...I went back to beijing last year and saw maybe 1 or 2 decent looking girls out of the millions that passed my eyes in the month i was there...why u ask??? cuz its like this...the good looking ones marry ugly old dudes with lots of $$....then make ugly ass babies....ugly ass babies will repeat this process until finally....like chris tucker said "ALL YA'LL LOOK ALIKE"
I said we good at piracy....not exaggerating one bit either...heck we even based our government system on what the soviets used...I witnessed the annual military parade before leaving Beijing in late september/early october....dam that was a spectacle....anyone there could tell u that china's gonna take over the world eventually...but look closely and you'll see that our fighter jet designs = copied from russians, the soldiers carry ak-47 lookalikes, we don't have stealth bombers, or those cool american battlecruisers you see in movies because china can never pirate something as sophisticated as U.S technology....couple billion of ppl but not one scientist who can do it!! why??? because our scientists were all once highschool zombies.
hly shit....i was gonna blog about what happend w/ western union but completely went off...
LV??? GUCCY? FK THAT, WE COPY PIRATE MILITARY HARDWARE
TO BE CONTINUED....???
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
ADAPT
Just set a record for most games played in a day, grinded 120 games today...woot. On the 29th I called CJ right away and told him about the FT situation, July 3rd I received the stake $$ and immediately jumped right back in business. 600 games later im up $1750ish on stars w/ the bonuses. I turned the $60 rob shipped me on cake for the husng membership into $600 in less than a weak grinding 5s, 10s, 20s, 30s. That put me at about $2300 so far this month...not bad at all considering what happened. Thanks to CJ for being understanding and putting his full trust in me...I had to ask him to help me out cuz I didn't want to go through July with no income...Time is $$.
I made about $5000 in June playing 55s mostly on FT...have about $7000 still on the site though...I'm getting to the point where if there is a chance that I might never get that back, I won't be as pissed off as before. Life goes on...Nobody coulda foretold this, and it had to happen on my first year of going pro. At least I took most of my roll off the site after April 15th, I coulda easily had over 10k+ on the site like I used to...
This will be another test to my patience and persistence, since april 15th, I haven't played a single game > $100s...mostly at the 50s....patiently grinding it out, put in more volume than I did back in the 1st 3 months of the year to make up for profit loss...
In all honestly, I feel like it's always such a close call for me in these, narrowly squeezing through tight situations like I've been doing all my life. I guess I failed at my goal to reach $200-$300s this year. Is it entirely my fault? Obviously not but again I coulda done much better controlling my spending habits. Such is life though....right now I am focused, and feel purpose in what I do...I will forever be my biggest and only critic, other than a few friends I trust, most of you ppl don't ever get to criticize me...don't brag shit to me man, I keep a low profile, real dudes move in silence, your best success is my worst blunder HA.
o ya....and one last thing, ppl get lazy as they grow old in life i think, STOP FKN ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS, THERE IS NO TRICK, NO SECRET.....PUT IN WORK AND GET PAID. Phil Ivey is not good because he's a poker prodigy, he's good because he's played more hours of poker than a lot of ppl same age as him when he was young, he lived in casino hotels to up his game, he would bust his tech support pay checks to rebuild his roll, he would repeat that until he gets to that point of awesome. PERSISTENCE IS OMNIPOTENT, ALL I GOT IS PERSISTENCE BOOOOM.
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