heart of the grind

I would start off by saying this: I continue to amaze and surprise myself. The months that led up to November were depressing but so what? I came back so strong, 2 years and counting I still grind hard and my mental stamina is still improving.

SECOND CUP CHAPTER

November was a very mediocre month for me, I remember the day FTP came back I lost 1k in almost 1 hour while my friend watched me play. I was overly ambitious then, jumped into 200s and played semi-scared. By end of December I made a decision that would change the course of my career thus far. CJ suggested that I grind at Starbucks/KFC when I was in Beijing. I thought the idea was meh, if anything it was slightly -EV cuz I wasn't sure about office ladies in skirts distracting me or what to do if someone gives me shit (strict gambling law)

I bought a cheap 17" laptop on boxing day ($400 after taxes LOL), received it and headed to the second cup a walk away from my house, I didn't even bring a mouse, used laptop mouse and 4 tabled 5 hours, made $800. I remembered it so clearly, I wasn't necessarily playing better and was fully aware of the upswing I experienced.

January I broke my old record, and if I make more than $800 tomorrow I will repeat the same result for February. I feel so focused, $$ on my mind, sipping on green tea and bluffing niggaz while babygurls stare at my screen and ask "ARE YOU THE PANDA"?

I want to keep this up, it's been 2 weeks straight since I had my last cigarette, I don't feel the need to take long breaks in between sessions anymore, just washroom breaks and a 5 minute breakdance video is good enough. January I drank everyday 3 weeks straight, rum, soju, beer...I thought it was helping but this past week I haven't had a single drink.

I'm once again proving to myself that I don't need these things, stress would always be there, how I deal with it is up to me but why ruin my health, my body?

I am making a full comeback, keeping in mind the mistakes I made these past 2 years. FAST 5 DAYS STRAIGHT TO MEDICATE, BUILD HUNGER, AND FOCUS ON THE DAYS AND TIMES THAT APPROACH US.

PANDA OUT

oxymoron

promises that i keep, the tears that you weep
promises I kept, hello kitty never looked so filthy
plenty of ambition, small goals, lost in a big city
malicious intents, snakes that slither, a flesh wound withers
your face so pretty, a distant memory
your face ever ready, my blast radius
iron sights no laser, that's my reflex
scrub you hard, my whites sticky like semtex
same day booty call, express fedex

i hate your lack of passion
i hate you with a passion
i blamed her for being hostile, you for being docile
so much friction, my pants need a heatsink
not enough attention, wrapped in plastic, sealed with your scent
i fucked you with wisdom, after her vocal chords gave me rhythm
you need pain, and i just need a reason
when you bleed, it's blooming season

robbyallen's tribute to me lawl

john wang
he may be light, but his presence astounds
hoes are like interest, their attraction compounds
he busts on their faces and loses five pounds.
crown this raw nigga the greatest panda around
i'm not done with these bamboo jewels
he's a gemini, he was born on the banks of the passion pools.
a confucius panda trained him from birth.
he drank the water but he still has the thirst.
he does his thing while hoes drink his juice.
he's a fly canadian but he aint no goose

ranting

What I'm going thru right now is sick like diesel inside my veins, I get hit hardest at the harshest times, at the most critical moments when all critics have their eyes on me. I feel like everyone's watching, I'm getting paranoid, trying to keep track of EV in everything I do related/unrelated to grinding.

CJ recited me a horoscope piece where the author used one trait to describe what each horoscope depend on to get by. Cancer's was obviously family, Gemini = courage. I'm already over the fact that poker dictates how my mood is, it's been like this for me forever. Distractions help but at the end of the day, all that's left between me and the brutal downswings is myself.

-60 bi last September, almost busted my roll at a time when money was needed the most. -100bi in the past 2k games right now on stars. For a while now I've been grinding to cover monthly expense of $2k with a bankroll below $1k. I did it with success but as I make out the finish line I'm running out of steam. -100 is no fkn joke. It fkn hurts. Full tilt back on Nov 6th, my dick's not even hard.

I can handle the pain, problem is the mistake I made of involving too many people into my venture. It really goes against why I decided to pursue this shit in the first place. I promise I won't talk about this shit with anyone who doesn't have a fkn clue about poker from now. Most of you will never understand, and it's only because you've NEVER taken on anything like this in your life. When you decide to offer your advice next time, please think it thru first. Your problem solving skills that are efficient for your boring 9-5 is nowhere near sufficient to connect these dots. There are so many factors, variables in what I'm dealing with, this ain't connect 5, compared to what you do I might as well be mapping out the universe.

I will push through, but after all this, after I get back on my feet, I'm not carrying anyone anymore. I'mma be the selfish bastard like I set out to be, it's just me and my grind, not involving anyone else in this. R.A.W forever.


As a kid I killed two adults, I’m too advanced
I lived my 20's at two years old, the wiser man
Truth be told, I’m like '86
Wicked as 80 reverends in a pool of fire with devils holding hands
From the distance, don’t know which one is a Christian.. damn
Who can I trust in 2012? There’s no one not even myself
A Gemini screaming for help, somebody

PANDA HIBERNATION

CJF naomi47

asshole by nature
my bro, mild sevens in his glovebox for the ladies,
viet marlboros in the cupholder for the homeless
first time we spoke you spat out razors
didn't know your name but we already on different pages
years pass, we both grew, got our shit straight like a laser
but let's rewind a few years back, before the birth of sages
u bragged about everything there is to brag about
insecurity on your forehead, a clenched fist through your skin
i wish i coulda dragged you out that night, 20 feet stomping your brain
you had it comming, on second thought i'm glad i didn't
i woulda been in that cypher, curing you with pain
betrayal is the best medicine, near lethal dosage in the vein
but when that phone rang on the 13th all i wanted was to share your pain
you lost your father, 2011 may 13, one week straight toronto poured rain

what happened next was not meant for the sane
stress ontop of stress is like dying a slow death
you sounded like cancer, lifeless with your limbs chopped off,
but like a true cancer, those claws regen'd on your very last breath

titty twisting buddha

on the porch,
resting, from grinding
blunt in hand
flexing my mind,
on how to add more to this bankroll
ways of making paper never gets old
when hunger fades, all i need is another dose

olympian mindset, i push doors open, spaces sacred
they lead me to new places,
spots i did not know they existed
masochistically moving forward, i perform better under pressure
the intention is clear, i walk into the unknown, this time without fear
inhale exhale, i wait for the smoke to clear
i make out my mirror reflection, out in the open

incense in hand, knees on concrete,
i look up, squinty eyes smile back at me
expressionless, i look away with humility
his palm opens, a lotus appears
the lust in my eyes, replaced by tranquility
my eyes turn from brown to blue, blue back to brown
the fatman opens his mouth in disbelief
my palm opens, a green leaf appears

cold wind blows, a green leaf flies out of my hand, it grows
a bamboo appears
i climb 10 feet, walk down a branch on my two feet
i look up, smile, reach out and twist
inhale exhale, i wait for the smoke to clear
i make out my mirror reflection, legs crossed sitting against a bamboo

is this a trick?

you had the presence of a goddess,

first time i saw you girl

you returned my passion to its sources

i might've stared too hard

but my intentions pure,

diciplined intellectual beauty, i observe from far

one look at you, it healed my scars,

don't worry about no dimes,

you'll forever be my optimus prime

i ain't no magician, this ain't a trick

dudes be sugarcoating, then they strip you for the filling

i be the bamboo leaf, wrap you with patience

impart my scent, call it panda fusion

never go through motions, there is no confusion, 

i spit that confucian, for your mind to listen

not cocky, this is just an honest expression

same branch

I notice lately my blog's content drifts away from poker and into random subjects. I've gone off track, I forgot the original purpose. This is just temporary, I will be back on track and write more poker relevant entries. It's just that I really have nothing worth reporting in terms of poker results, progress.

I will definitely end this blog soon on a high note. I will mentally elevate and stay levitated when the saga finally ends and I feel that day may be arriving very soon.

My bros giving me strength. Paape said we heal each other, my blood test is back and I am 100%. His knee will be fine when he get his result. We both went to doctor on same day, I got good news, and he's gonna get his, no other way, that's how it'll be, cuz we same branch.

Will I slay the dragon? I no longer care because Paape asked me what my initial instincts were and if I still trust them. He reminds me that whatever happens, it's what I get out of this whole thing that's worth gold. We gonna get BIG, I will never settle for anything less in said category.

I got off phone with CJ, he's been concerned about me losing motivation since I came back to Canada. I could tell from his voice. I ask him if he still believe in me, that if I told him this is only temporary and I would be back in the game stronger than ever he'd put all his faith in me. He told me he's not worried, he said that even though I spewed money in the past and got myself in my current situation, I've always liked nice things and always knew how to get it since back in the days writing essays for ESL kids for $50/ . it's sick to hear those words from someone who always criticized my spending habits.

It's GRIND TIME, sorry i'm so fkn bipolar phil galfond, I respect your blog but happiness can wait and I will sacrifice anything for EV atm. I'll read that shit again when I have a comfortable balance in my bank account, poker bankroll, nice whip and email full of condo prices.

how wisdom creates itself

I've been going at it none stop past couple days. stupid nurse at the doctors office didn't know what she was doing, my arm been in pain past 2 weeks, at first it came from a single point but eventually it spread and my entire arm started feeling numb.

So for 2 weeks I couldn't go do break dance or practice. I woke up this morning, was supposed to take day off like I usually do first day of the month. But I said what the hell, do I really need to rest? Plus, by some miracle the pain completely went away.

I predicted rebuilding would take up all summer, I'm paying for all the shit I did/didn't do in beijing. Come september im gonna hit the reset button, and pull myself back on track where I was. Am I stressed out? probably. but do I ever for a second doubted getting back to where i was? hell no.

i'm spilling random thoughts, i'll try to tie it all together by the end of this entry...past 2 days I been grinding with paape, something we stopped doing for a while...we started this thing lately where we would write rhymes back n forth...what I learnt from all this is this: I need this nigga by my side, if not physically, I need his presence in some form. If you think it's gay you can do yourself favor and stop reading.

I write rhymes, but my best ones are from the times we write together, while we grind, send songs, and bullshit. My best poker months came from a period where constant motivation, communication between us was not just a must, it was the air we breathed. out of all the regs, our 4man results were the best and that's hard statistical results. I stopped working out for almost a year, parents, friends all tell me to exercise more but I don't listen. Paape calls me and goes "john, i want you to start taking breakdance classes" and boom I do it right away.

We believe in each other, not blindly, when I tell him my thoughts, goals, no matter how unrealistic, "DO IT" is what I get from him. it's not fake either, basis is we both competitive and passionate and we both involved in something that's literally the purest form of hustle. decisions we make on a minute-minute basis is what determine profit. dude just placed 2nd,3rd mtts back to back in past 2 days. I'm feeding off him, i was walking down to the store to buy cigarettes and all I saw was dollar signs literally like it's the 1st of the month.

My life did a 180 recently, too much shit happened in such short notice. I couldn't accept them all at once but what choice do i have? I've been living under such double standard hypocrisy bullshit almost my entire life. the greatest joy in life was from the years I was out on my own. I've always fantasized revenge and the satisfaction I would get but I'm afraid that might never come anymore.

it's all good, because this is what i'm all about...I excel at times like this because it's so raw and simple. desire, discipline, dedication is all i need. I have a goal, a target to reach and a certain amount of time to get there, all that's in the way is not being my own enemy along the way.

i took a shit jus now and it felt awesome, i flushed down all the bullshit ideas incepted in my brain this past year, all the negativity i was fed. i don't need other ppl's opinions, especially on this matter...especially when most of these opinions are from ppl of inferior intellect.

some ppl want a challenge in life, some want to play it safe, its cool and i respect both. but don't be a hypocrite, don't tell me to play it safe when you gambled with your future when you were at my age. it paid off didn't it?

been listening to a lot of curren$y lately...dude's awesome, love how he's rapping about his life. his story is awesome, dude sold music for free and drives a Ferrari out of sheer discipline and talent. I saw the video of him driving it for first time and the excitement in him when he said "i don even have a bed to sleep in and i got myself a Ferrari" HAHAHA awesome.

this shit never gets old, call it mashochism or watever, but at least at the end of it i know i'll either be way up in sky or way down bottom of ocean.

blood related or not, you cross that thin line when you get in the way of my hustle, this is not the first time, think wisely before you give me any additional stress.

gg

我没事了，我其实知道不会有事，希望你也是。 电话上就跟你说清楚了，不是责怪你，我看待事情永远是理智，黑白的，你应该知道，你不想想我是干什么的。其实所有的一切有一个开始，我承认是我的错。从一开始我一直在装傻，而你在装聪明。一次又一次我没有揭穿你撒的小谎，想一想你比我小那么多，况且我从第一天起就发现你自卑，不懂装懂，懂的时候又不敢去证明你自己。 你撒谎就撒的漂亮些，我真的有时候懒得揭穿你。我不是个孩子了，以前我很傻比的总是喜欢揭穿别人。越是爱面子的人越是喜欢去揭穿。从一开始我把你当自己人，从一开始你就没说过实话，第一次见你我一眼就看出了，我哥们儿没说错，毕竟是他先见你真人。你蠢就罢了，这次你让我感觉我TMD跟你一样蠢。 为了你我甚至多次跟陈洁凡吵到爆发。 我再重复一次，我气不是应为责怪你，电话上说的很清楚。我气的是你不长记性，像上次WESTERN UNION一样你这次又TMD骗我。你侮辱我的智商不止一次，后果你又不是不知道，我到今天还是不怎么相信上次WU的事情。无所谓了，应为我连你撒谎的目的都摸不清楚。这次我都能想象发生了什么。为了你满半拍的脑袋，我重复的告诉你你应该去做什么。你TMD当时说你明白，第二天就跟个SB一样，完全忘了我跟你说的什么。你以为我有何目的？？你TMD从你那群白痴朋友的嘴里又听到了什么？我知道你脑袋一直是空白的，但你不至于真的觉得我有目的要去侮辱你,指责你？ 真的怪我，我犯贱了当时。我也骗了你，其实当时你跟我说那天晚上你拉着我手睡着是你最幸福的时刻我心很凉。应为那时刻也是我决定我们两个不可能的时候， 我不喜欢笨女人。后来第二天你刚上车走人，我就准备台词跟你说GG。一星期后我犯贱，我去找你，最终那晚你又来到我家。 后来我接受了这很被动的感情。没想到就像歌词一样，不可靠。 我不恨你，你就是蠢，希望你好好的。